KAW - nothing much to add besides what others had mentioned so well before. We know that the months at the end of the year can be very difficult on all of us - but I can't think of a better gift than the one that you and D19 gave to each other.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Have been keeping up with your thread, just didn't have anything very useful to add. I do think with CAW being in a dither about what she wanted for so long, the separation really may just push her rather more firmly one way or the other - into staying away or returning. I guess you just need to be there for her any way you can right now, so she can appreicate you.
And enjoy your new closeness with D19
Sending you good thoughts.....
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Wow KAW...just caught up with your post. My heart goes out to your D and you. This is really huge....she is so lucky to have the new KAW....the one who takes the quality time to be there. The one who takes no R for granted anymore. She and D11 are the ones to focus on. You have so much to offer....extend yourself.
I hate to say it, but with CAW not believing D19 regarding this abuse....really casts a poor light on her....IMHO. That is like double rejection. But CAW is CAW...she does have her OWN issues to deal with....and she has to face them on her own. I actually feel sorry for how stuck she is...and how unstuck you are becoming. In other words you are growing, redefining Rs with Ds, digging deep inside yourself....and stretching. It's a crummy way to get pushed into this "growth-pattern"...but in the long haul, probably a great thing for all of us.
I know I'm rambling a bit....just wanted to throw more support your way....I think you are doing great. Just take it one-day-at-a time.
I go away for a few days and come back to a lot of water that's passed under your bridge.
I have to say that I came to the same conclusion as Mooka about CAW in regards to her reaction to your D19. But since my extended family's skeleton includes some experience in this matter, I think it's wise not to ASSume that CAW actually feels this way.
The mind often denies what it feels it cannot handle... I'm not saying this is right. But I've seen it happen too often to not recognize what it might mean to her. After all, that would force her to see her son in a very different light... one that I would imagine might break any mother.
I know I would be DEVASTATED.
Now, on to you...
What I really like about you and what I think works in your Rs with everyone is your continued willingness to put yourself out there and discuss things. You actually sit down to talk to others and ask for honest feedback.
Friend, I think that is probably your #1 attribute and one that will continue to serve you well... no matter what the outcome might eventually be. (Of course, this is my opinion, but I'm entitled to one!)
One of the issues that keeps resurfacing in my life is one that pretty much applies to everyone here too. That is, change is vital to growth... and it's always for our benefit. But it is often not perceived as good.
Keeping that in mind, I think you have an outstanding start on this new path. Now I'll ask a more sticky question for you to answer when you get back...
How are you doing on the anger/resentment front? I care enough to ask. Because I know I had to constantly work on these in order to feel happy again.
Big hugs to you.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I agree with others that you come out as a wiser person. The way you dealed with your D is a good example for us to follow.
My D20 is also much closer to me during this crisis. Last year, after I went to a seminar run by church, I felt that I should apologise to my D, as she feels that I love S more than her. Since then our R has improved significantly.
My W left today to live with the om. So our M is over. I am sad but I have expected this outcome. I accept her decision and will move on with my life. The kids are staying with me. It will be hard to live as a single parent. But I am grateful that at least my children are with me.
Quote: So there you have it! I'm still not sure if it is wise to pull these skeletons out of the closet for all to see here, but hopefully someone else can take the errs of my ways and use them to prevent their own tragedies from happening before they cause such destruction to their families. Also maybe now you might be able to understand better why I feel so undeserving of the praise you folks throw my way (and why I've been so quiet as of late), but I'm hoping you folks are willing to help me dig a deep hole to bury these skeletons in so I won't be haunted by them in the years to come.
KAW-
I think others have spoken well on the personal story you have told, but I wanted to focus on the above to remind you that you are not alone and all of us have done things that we regret. But the past is the past and the true beauty of the human spirit is how we learn from the past and behave in the future. Your deep inner reflections on this BB have served not only as a therapeutic guide for you, but as a beacon to others as well. That's true fellowship and something to be proud of.
Sunday I took off early from work and picked up D19. Went to the auto show and we both had a really good time. Took her to a Burger King because she was complaining how her BF doesn't like going there. I joke that I didn't mind that she is a cheap date. Anyway, the day before CAW had called to confirm if my offer for her to do her laundry at the house was still good. I told it was. After dropping off D19, I went home to find the house looked a little emptier. She decided to help herself to a few more things. Now most of it was hers, such as her cows and cow motif kitchen utilities, the clock, calendar and breadmaker from the kitchen. Pictures of her side of the family from the living room, some candle holders from our bedroom and cleaned out a drawer in the bathroom of "beauty" supplies. Now, it wasn't what she took that upset me, but that she took it without telling me first. I felt violated. I mean, I don't want to enter the house each day with the thought, "What did she take this time?" & inspect the house each time to see if anything else is missing. Did not set up for a good night, but I got thru it.
Monday, CAW called me in the morning to say she made an doc appointment for D11, but it was at 2:30 pm that afternoon and she D24 had her jeep while she was at work and if I could take D11 to doc's. I said no problem. I dressed up in a nice button down shirt and by new khaki slacks rather than my usual T-shirt and jeans. When I showed up to pick up D11 at school, CAW did a quick double take, but didn't say anything altho something flash across her face. I cheerily greeted all her coworkers in the kitchen, then while waiting for D11 to showe up I told CAW that when she had a moment when we can talk in privacy I had something I need to speak to her about since I didn't think it appropriate to bring up about Sunday in front of her staff. She said OK give her a call.
Turned out waiting a while for the doc and getting D11's prescriptions filled took most to the afternoon, but D11 & I made the most of it. Then we went home and I cooked dinner and I cleaned up afterwards as D11 worked on her homework. Then we choose to accept (actually I ordered) the impossible mission of cutting the cats claws that haven't been done in two weeks. Actually, it went rather smoothly. Then it was time to take her to the apartment. She still doesn't want to stay overnight, but I'm letting it go for now.
When I dropped her off and going over what doc said and about the meds, CAW and I stepped outside and I proceded to tell her how I felt about coming home Sunday night to items missing and that while I had no issue about her wanting things from the house, I hope she would discuss it with me first for two reasons. So that I know what I can expect when I come home and I have a chance to discuss if there's a item I made need or borrow. For example, I feel the breadmaker is more of a community item where while she may take it with her, I would be able to borrow it if I had a need. She simply said, "no problem. Is that it?" I said yes, since I was sure how she would take it, I just felt it would be better to talk privately that maybe airing our "dirty" laundry for others to hear.
Then I said I guess I should go. There was an awkward pause where we stared at each other for a few seconds, then she came over and gave me a couple of kisses and said, "Is that what you wanted?" The question caught me offguard, so I just said again I should go and walk to my truck. I'm not quite sure how to take that question?
Tuesday, D19 helped me paint the shed. She originally came over to help install the doors, but sincec CAW seems to have her heart set on helping on Friday with that, I asked D19 if she can help me with the painting instead. As we chit-chatted, the convo kept steering to the sitch. About D24 moving in and I brought up what I came home to Sunday night. We both expressed our worries over the cons. I appologized for bringing up the subject. I didn't want her to feel like she's in the middle. She said she wants to be able to talk about it with me and understands my need to vent. By that time I had to take her home so she can get ready for school. D11 comes home just as I'm finishing painting the shed floor (1st coat) and we have a pleasant afternoon. Try to squeeze in a chess game, but I had to take to the apartment early for D24 to watch her because of open house at her school. I met CAW there as she had to serve coffee and cookies for the event.
We gathered in the gym and she asked if I wanted some cookies and went and got them for me. Then we had to gathered in the cafeteria to hear the teacher's presentation. CAW sat next to me and we passed back & forth some wisecracks about some of the comments the teachers made. Then she leaned up against me say how tired she was.
Then it was off to the classroom. On the hallway wall outside was an essay each student wrote about themselves. Two things stood out about D11's to both of us. Under what she feared, D11 included her oldest sister (D24) and under what she missed most she wrote her grandfather. Upon reading this CAW started crying. I found some tissues in the classroom and gave her a hand rub on her back to try to show support. She composed herself and then we spoke to D11's teacher for a bit, then excused ourselves. We went back to kitchen so CAW can pick her things and while there she told me not to go anywhere while she used the restroom. We walked together to the parking lot, going over our schedule once again for the remainder of the week. When we got to her jeep, she again leaned up against me and gave a bunch of little kisses. I mentioned that I seem to be getting a lot of those lately and she simply replied, "I know." and we said our goodnights.
I wish I knew the motive behind those tender little kisses, especially since she's still moving more stuff into the apartment ... but still she hasn't kissed me that way for the past two years. Why now? Don't worry, I'm keeping my expectations at zero. I know I still have a long haul in front of me. With D24 moving in with her now, there's no way CAW is thinking of coming back home any time soon. She would not leave D24 in a lurch like that.
... and so much for going dark ... the only day this week I won't see her was yesterday ... but at least on that day there was no contact at all. This evening I need to drop off my truck at the mechanic's. D19 will be in school, so I asked CAW if she would give me a ride home. Then tomorrow, she will be coming over to hang the doors on the shed which she seems to be looking forward to. And I'm probably going to need a ride to the bank and to pick up the truck when its repaired (hopefully they won't keep it all weekend).
I'm hoping this weekend, I might be able to persuade D11 to stay overnight. It would give us some much more time together. Other than that still taking what comes one day at a time.
LL: I like your comment about turning those skeletons into ashes rather than burying them. I like the visual of over time have them fade away like ashes scattered by the wind as we continue to work at getting closer to each other. At the time, I would like nothing more ... and we do seem to be off to a good start.
Now back to the hard work. Leave it to Bets to crack the whip here. ...
Quote: Now I'll ask a more sticky question for you to answer when you get back...
How are you doing on the anger/resentment front? I care enough to ask. Because I know I had to constantly work on these in order to feel happy again.
Well were coming up on the third week since CAW moved out. While I keep it all in check when ever I'm around CAW (and D19 & S11 too), I'm not yet comfortable being around her, so I've been keeping my distance. CAW does pick up on that and I wonder if her little signs of affection are her way to try to ease the tension between us now. I'm want to get to the point where Mooka was in acting "as-if" she was perfectly fine with S and letting him know she wanted the time for herself too. I have done a couple of things she's noticed, such as moving the aquarium to where her dresser use to be. She looked a little upset about it.
Anyway, I digressed ... its when I'm alone at home in the evening that I that it seems to bubble up like a hot tar pit, but I figure this needs to come out so I let it come out. I think I need to get a punching bag.
A punching bag, eh? Well, I know a few posters who decided to use one to take out their angst, and they got in great shape too!
I have no idea why CAW is being so doggone affectionate, but until you come right out and say how YOU feel about this, I'm gonna leave it alone.
I think you handled your private conversation with CAW with extreme grace. And BTW, I have to agree with you on all your concerns. After all, this is your house now.
Quote: Then it was time to take her to the apartment. She still doesn't want to stay overnight, but I'm letting it go for now.
I hope I can make you feel better about this one. After nearly 2 years, D10 still hates jockeying back and forth between the house and her dad's apartment. It's not that she doesn't want to be with her dad, but she feels pretty strongly that she deserves to live in one house and sleep in the same bed every single night.
While I agree with her, I do put on my happy face and tell her, "Honey, I realize this isn't your choice, but it's the way our life is... so you might as well choose to stop complaining about it."
Then I give her a big hug, tell her I love her and that the house is always her home. And off she goes to her other domicile for a couple days.
Out of curiosity, why does D11 fear D24?
Glad you managed to dodge the whip! I was told yesterday that I throw curve balls... either way, I'd like to see you come through all of this as one happy man. I realize that it seems like a pipe dream at this point, but I think you have an awfully good start.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
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