So CAW finally move out. On the positive side, you probably have less stress not seeing her, after a period of sadness.
You have more responsibilty at work, may be you will rewarded with more pay.
I am also waiting for my W to move out after my business trip. After I found out that she is still seeing the om, I confronted her and asked her to choose. I think she has decided to live with the om. So my M will be over soon.
I am back and finally catching up. (((HUGS))))) and a BE-LATED HAPPY B-DAY!!!!!
You have endured sooo much and DBed your butt off over the last couple of years. You really get this stuff well...and have helped me tremendously. So, that I want to thank you for.
Your W finally made a choice, took the risk....and you handled it beautifully. You gave me tons of advice when my H did the same last Feb....remember? I really relied on you and others here on the BB and took good care of myself along the way. That's all WE really only have control over. That's the harsh reality...but so true.
I think the shift will do you good....perhaps even ease the inner anxiety and you may find yourself finding some peace from time to time. I did....tho I won't pretend that I didn't have moments of aching pains.
Sounds like your job will also keep you very busy....that's good, hopefully...not too stressful with all the additional responsibilities.
Perhaps going dark or grey, like someone else suggested...would be good. Just communicate over your daughter's needs/issues....be polite, but ask no questions. Leave her in the dark with your schedule, personal plans, etc. Take time for you....without her or daughter from time to time. Meet new people or hang with those that make you laugh/smile. That was great medicine for me. Be vague....don't answer the phone or call back right away. Make her try harder to communicate with you.
You know this stuff backwards and forwards....just some simple reminders.
Know you are in my thoughts and prayers....we all care here, that's obvious!!
After a week of adjusting to a bachelor's life, I figure its time to jot down some notes.
First all ...
From Bets:
Quote: Maybe you can make a grid and put it on the fridge (your funny suggestion brought to mind D11 and my days with potty training her), and title it, "KAW's Potty Training Progress" and put those stars in it as they apply?
Bets, I don't find it all that appealing to revert back to my early childhood years, but I did consider a chart titled "KAW's Potty Mouth Training Progress", but even that brought back memories of the days of getting my mouth washed out with soap.
Raindeer thanks for the support and Mooka thanks for dropping by. I only hope that CAW may eventually follow the path back that your H is taking. In the meantime, I have gone a very dark gray. The only conversations I've had this week with CAW are a couple about arranging D11's schedule for this week ... nothing else. We had set up that D11 would take the school bus to come over after school on Wednesday and we would spend time together all day Thursday too as there was no school. At first it seemed a bit awkward for the both of us, but we got thru it. Played a couple rounds of chess as D11 signed up for a 6th grade chess tournament and wanted to get some practice in. I had hope she would spend the night, but she said she was still trying to get used to sleeping at the apartment and wanted to stay there until she can sleep thru the night. She seemed pretty adamant about it so I didn't push it. Thursday morning I picked her up and we had a full rich day, which we both enjoyed. She helped me make some corn muffins and with moving the aquarium to where CAW's dresser use to be. (My first major rearranging in CAW's absence to free up a corner to put a new computer desk.) Then we went to the local library to return some books and so D11 take out some new ones. She wanted her own library card so we got that too. Then we did some shopping for dinner and I bought myself a belated B-day gift ( a totally frivolous item ... an OCC diecast model chopper) and D11 got a "spider" yo-yo she's been searching for and finally found at this store. We got home and preceded to make dinner together. Sweet & sour chicken with rice, fried egg rolls, mixed veggies and fried cornbread balls we made from scratch. D11 commented how we make a good team. D11 watched a little TV as I cleaned up the kitchen and then we played another game of chess, then she wanted to watch "Joey". I had to check with CAW as I was suppose to drop D11 by at 8:30 and the show wouldn't be over until then. So I called and she was OK with it.
I only have seen CAW twice. Each time being when I escorted D11 back to the apartment. After I would put down the armful of stuff carried in, and giving D11 a big hug would CAW appear looking kinda sullen as D11 would give her a rundown and CAW wouldn't really say anything so after saying my goodbyes to D11, I would excuse myself and leave.
Previously, I mentioned that CAW's D24 and her BF ( of about 6 months) were arranging to move in from Pittsburgh, PA by the end of the month. D11 brought up that D24's BF has decided to stay in Pittsburgh. Since they were getting along very well, this had D24 pretty down and D11 mentioned that CAW is feeling guilty about being the cause of them breaking up. Interesting .... (Bets, could make a sarcastic comment or two here, but will let it go...)
Anyway, work has been extremely busy and some evening have been spent with D19 as well. (Will post about this later.), so there's only been a couple of nights alone at the house. That really sucks tho, but I'm managing to get thru it.
Quoting Mooka:
Quote: Meet new people or hang with those that make you laugh/smile. That was great medicine for me.
Yes, over the past year, I recognized I need to do this, but I never was any good at it. I have always been very introvert and feel very uncomfortable approaching a group of strangers I've never seen before, so I tend not to be a very good conversationalist. Guess I need to make this my number one goal. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Quote: Yes, over the past year, I recognized I need to do this, but I never was any good at it. I have always been very introvert and feel very uncomfortable approaching a group of strangers I've never seen before, so I tend not to be a very good conversationalist. Guess I need to make this my number one goal. Any suggestions would be helpful.
a rather shy person myself (don't let anyone tell you different...I am shy no matter what they say damn it!) I know where you're comming from.
I realized it wasn't getting me anywhere always being too afraid (shy, anxious, insecure etc) to be the first to say hello, introduce myself, start a group etc. I started first by simply crossing a room to say hello to someone I already knew (but not very well), something in the past I would have avoided. Then I'd just smile at people, say hello and let the conversations go from there. Heck I've even initiated a few clubs through my towns yahoogroup. I'm still shy but not as afraid to break out there...I learned that I have nothing to lose in attempting to make a new friend.
So then, suggestions?
pick an interest and see if there is some club or organization you can join or start related to it.
I've been looking thru the paper for clubs and events. Havn't found one of interest yet, but then again only been looking for a week. Altho, I never consider starting a club myself. Hmmm ... don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but I have been giving it some thought at another attempt of putting together a DB gathering. Whatda say LL ... willing to travel to New York?
if you think I sounded fabulous, perhaps you should have waited until my next post.
What an ironic twist of fate that has it, that CAW would state one of the mortal wounds to our M is the deterioration of R with our children ... and now our unravelling M has come to be the avenue in which I now have a stronger bond with my daughters than ever before.
... but the road to getting here for D19 & myself turns out to be a very painful one. So painful, that for the last week, I've been contemplating whether I should/could share ... but for me to process the pain properly, I need to put it all down so I can go back and sift thru all this new information I've heard for the first time so I can figure out what to do and how to heal from has transpired.
Last Friday, was the first oppurtunity D19 & I have had to talk since CAW proclaimed she was moving out. For the past two years, I felt D19 & I have been working towards piecing the bond of a healthy father/daughter R back together again. So when CAW bluntly blurted that she had lost her first three children and they all blame it on me, I needed to find out if D19 still felt this way and so I opened a heart-to-heart talk starting with that statement. How little did I know what ground we would end up covering with that.
I started off by saying, how when I started my self-discovering journey two years ago, one of the first things I recognized within myself was that I wasn't a very good father. There were too many times that I pushed away my daughters in years past when they sought my attention and I just didn't want to deal with it. D19 while growing up was always considered Daddy's little girl ... whenever I was around, she always wanted to spend time with me, but for the most part, I felt smothered by it. By the time she became a teenager, how she viewed me had all turned around. She turned into a total rebel. She had gone from an "A" student to barely passing - never doing her school work. No longer kept her room clean. Constantly breaking rules and curfew. It seemed like we were always butting heads ... like oil and water ... until at 16 she moved out for good. For six months after that we avoided each other totally. By that time, I was putting all my focus on saving my M and learning to DB, including working on myself.
Anyway, I asked for her forgiveness. That I now deeply regret how I felt and for my resulting actions towards her at the time. There was a loonnng pause, as I could tell she was hesitating upon what she wanted to say. Finally, with a little encouragement from me, she decided to bear all. Yes, during her teenage years she hated me. Nearly every day deliberately, looked for ways to "get" back at me. Quote: "I did some awful things to you, but not for the reasons you think..."
As I've mentioned before, CAW & I battled for ten years to obtain custody of her two children from a previous M (D24 & S23). When we finally won in court, our home suddenly became too small. Temporarily all three kids had to share the same room while we look to sell our place to buy a bigger house. Ages at the time were D13, S12, D8. Each had a seperated bed to sleep in ... however ... D19 revealled that her SB (step-brother) would sneak into her bed every night and sexually abuse her. This went on for over a year. Due to a real estate crash in the region at the time, we couldn't sell our home unless we took a loss, which we couldn't afford. So we decided to build an addition instead, but before it was completed D24 & S23 decided to move out to Pittsburgh with their father.
D19 said she wanted to say something, but just couldn't and internally blamed me for what happened to her. That's why she started to defy me at every chance she could which led to drugs, sex (including a pregnancy & miscarriage) which I didn't know about and the cutting that I did know about. In the C sessions we arranged for her, she says all they wanted to talk about was school and her peers. She never felt they were open enough to allow her to bring up what happened with her SB. Since the time she has moved out tho, she said she's been able to work past it and knows now it was wrong for her to blame me. She broke down in tears while saying how sorry she was for blaming me and the awful things she did because of it. What ensued was a hug fest while we both cried.
After a while, she went on to say she knew the last part of putting this behind her was to apologize to me, and has wanted to for the last year, but couldn't find the strength to tell me her secrets. I had asked if she had spoken to her mother about any of this. She said she tried about a year ago, but CAW refused to listen, saying she could think of her son that way. I could tell D19 was hurt that she couldn't rely on her mother's support on this.
So there you have it! I'm still not sure if it is wise to pull these skeletons out of the closet for all to see here, but hopefully someone else can take the errs of my ways and use them to prevent their own tragedies from happening before they cause such destruction to their families. Also maybe now you might be able to understand better why I feel so undeserving of the praise you folks throw my way (and why I've been so quiet as of late), but I'm hoping you folks are willing to help me dig a deep hole to bury these skeletons in so I won't be haunted by them in the years to come.
I'm sorry that d19 had to go through all that. Strange isn't it that you had both been blaming you for things you didn't do.
You can bury skelatons anywhere you'd like but I often think it's best to just burn them down to ashes (coming to terms with them) and put them on a back shelf somewhere (out of site but the lesson always remembered).
I'm glad that d19 had the courage to share with you and that you had the compassion to listen.
What a heart wrenching story... as if your broken M isn't enough.
You cannot blame yourself for what happened to D19. And I think it is wonderful that YOU were courageous enough to apologize to her, and then to let the floodgates open and listen, really listen.
When you fought for CAW's kids, you were only trying to do the best for all. Little did you know what would happen.
You did the best you could at the time. Now that you know better, you are trying to do better. That is all anyone could ask. The burden that you have lifted from your daughter is enormous. The fact that you had to do it alone makes it bigger still.
You are a remarkable man. The soul searching you are willing to do, followed by such growth... it is wonderful to see. Your daughter is a lucky woman.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks LL and HON for your support. It means a lot to me.
Taking off from work early today ... picking up D19 ... and were going to the auto show. Its kinda neat having a D in mechanics school. It may turn out she's the son I never had!
Hope you all are having a good weekend. Won't be back to work until Wednesday.
Hi KAW - It was quite a bittersweet experience reading your post about D19 - happy things are good, but sad for the child and much younger KAW. As is often the case with dbers, we seem to be seeing improvements in so many of our 'other' relationships. Hope you are enjoying your time off. Slowly
