Yes Betsey's wisdom is a godsend. Her email was even more enlightening. I don't know how I could ever thank you enough Bets and will always have a special place dear to my heart for what you have done for me.
PnB, LL, Raindeer thanks for the support. Daybreak, thanks for the email and I return one in kind.
From LL::
Quote: this is not fair to you at all KAW....
In a way, LL, I starting to see that it is. If CAW isn't not going to accecpt that she can be happy M to me, then it is only fair to move on and allow me the oppurtunity to find someone who is will be more than happy with what I am willing to offer, which in turn will make me happier than I ever would be with CAW. Finally, I'm getting it thru this thick skull that is very fair to me.
From PnB:
Quote: I feel sorry for her, unfortunately, she's liable to have a rude awakening when the fantasy she has been counting on to relieve her pain, crumbles. Then she will have to face both losses at once.
Not something I would wish on anyone.
Yes I have felt this way all along, but alas as my sister had just said to me this evening, "You can't make it your obligation to try to prevent that for her." ... She's right! So I have to let her go and if that is her fate, then so be it! Don't mean to sound callous, but I cannot prevent her fate from being so if that is the path she wish to blindly follow.
From raindeer:
Quote: However, be prepare mentally that your W may leave. After she left she may decide to be back. The life with the om is not that rosy as she has imagined. Will you accept her back. She may be happy with the om and won't come back. Are you ready to live your life without her?
Raindeer, I have had two years and all lotsa help from the wonderful folks here at this bb to help me prepare for this moment. During that time I have been work hard at becomomg a much stronger person emotionally and know I will be OK and yes even accept moving on without her. As to the second part of your inquiry, Would I accept her back after trying with OM? I have pondered this for two years ... wrote many a post on it and even expressed my concerns to CAW at one point. While I can't say for certain, I believe my core belief is No!, I can't. For that would mean I settled be being only second best to her. Until I met CAW, I had a lifetime of feeling second rate. I will not accept that from anyone again, especially the one who originally shown me what it means to feel first rate with someone. I don't believe I could gain enough compassion to forgive such a violation. This disheartens my greatly. For I wish to strive to be as compassionate a person as possible, but I don't believe its rightly possible to sacrifice one's own value to do so. The line has to be drawn somewhere or else one loses all respect and is nothing more than a doormat for others.
Further developments: Yesterday, CAW withdrew $2,000 in cash. Sound like a tidy amount for 1st month rent and security on an apartment and that leaves an even grand towards a lawyer's fee. I was able to confirm the first part this morning by reading D11's journal entry from yesterday. On that day, her Mom told her the two of them would be moving into an apartment soon.
From what I read there. CAW has no intention of telling me. Just packing up some suitcases and leaving on day while I'm working in order to discover they're gone when I come home.
How's that for the ultimate conflict avoider! Sorry ... there's that anger surfacing.
Yes, I'm starting to feel a volcano of anger swelling deep in my bowels. Ick!!! For much of the day, I been thinking if CAW does leave, then maybe its finally time for me to resort to LRT. Go totally dark! I meant DARK! (Except for matters dealing with D11, of course.) Actually, I think I need it more for my sake than CAW's, but if we are to have any type of amicable future R, then I can not let loose my anger around CAW at all ... altho I've been entertaining it a bit today! Ugh!
Ahh ... fear not Bets. I have printed out your email to read every day from here on out in order to help ground me during the upcoming upheaval to prevent me from turning to the dark side. For that I will be forever in your debt.
Lastly, yes, its time to do some lawyer shopping. I hope to find someone by next week. Merrick ... any suggestions? I've haven't forgotten your tip on hiring a female atty.
