Back to Basics

[holdingon]

Oh, my gosh... Betsey... you get me thinking and are always so eloquent.

When we begin this journey, if we truly want to save our M, we take that look inside ourselves and see what it is we want to change. As the mantra goes "work on you." Finally, we are able to look back at who we were and realize we weren't who we should have been. But with that knowledge comes the fact that we DO like who we have become.

We spend so much time WANTING our WAS to come home... to save us, to be that wonderful person they WERE when we met them.

Then, finally, we take that look at THEM and realize that maybe its not worth it to our soul to be with someone that seems to think we are somehow second rate. We become comfortable and happy with ourselves and at that point we realize our worth. And we are worth MORE than walking on eggshells, being rejected, having to live up to some wacky standard that our WAS set. They don't know what THEY want in themselves... how can they possibly know what they want in us? And they hold their arms up, they push us away. They rejected us, they betrayed us, surely we can't be wonderful human beings or why would they have done that?

So, finally we stand up straight, hold our heads up and realize who we are. We are valuable. We are worth loving and caring about. We want someone to love the wonderful person we are... and unfortunately, the WAS is still very busy thinking about themselves and only themselves. They don't want to give, they live an incredibly selfish existence. No... that is no longer for me.

Like Betsey said, if H ever wanted to come back, he'd have to do a lot of work, in many, many ways. And I don't see him doing it, either. I know I'm tired of devaluing myself to stay in a M where I am not loved or accepted. If I have another R, I want someone who is generous enough to think about my needs and brave enough to tell me if I'm not meeting his.

Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. That's the kind of love I want, and the love I will give. I have always loved my husband. I can forgive him. I know that. But I also know that I am not what he wants now.