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[Underdog]

(((((KAW)))))

Like Wonder, I'm officially on hiatus, but I wanted to check in with a few folks before I hit my massive and ever-increasing to do list here at work.

I'm not starting another thread, at least right now, because I don't want to hash out my confusion on line for the indefinite future. Your post really resonated with me and I want to let you know that I'm listening.

PIB, I haven't discussed filing right now. I know that for the time being, I don't want to reconcile. That makes me officially a WAW. I haven't ruled it out some day down the road, but I'm definitely not ruling it in.

Let me explain...

KAW, like you, I realize that Mr. Wonderful is no longer the guy I married. Nor am I the woman he married either. That's good, in many ways, but not so good in others. Next month marks our 14 year wedding anniversary, though we've been together almost 16 (technically speaking).

I'm confused about my feelings for him. I think most of them are combination of pity, empathy and compassion... throw in a little Catholic guilt for feeling bad about not wanting to give him another chance and I'm feeling a little off kilter.

But more often than not, I realize that if God has a hand in helping both of us to be happy, this might be the most important crossroads ever. I realize that clinging to the past is something that is harmful to me, and will not help me resolve my feelings somewhere down the line. Because the simple fact is he's just at the beginning of his soul searching journey.

I'm desperately afraid of living a Groundhog Day existence as well, KAW. I don't want to be one of the BB posters who comes back here in 2 years with the same old stuff resurfacing... and having talked myself into feeling that staying married on his terms is the noble thing to do. Does this make sense?

I'm not going to persuade you to DO anything specific, KAW. But to really listen to your heart. I think your heart is trying to tell you that settling for the crumbs from CAWs table is detrimental to you... therefore, you must really examine your own soul and desires to challenge you to think outside the box.

From what I've read on your threads all along, you and CAW are friends. I believe that the basis of any R should begin with this concept. It's good for your children, and it's good for you.

I can only tell you what I DO know about my own sitch, regardless of whether I file now or at the end of the year or next summer. The only thing I want to commit to Mr. Wonderful is to be his friend, in whatever capacity that term may take.

I want to be present for him as he goes on his soul searching journey. I want to be able to take him to my parents' house for holidays (they love him dearly as a son, and he misses them an awful lot). I want to have the option to go camping as a family without the pressure of wanting more from him. I don't want to be his lover--it's just not good for me. My own solo journey has taken me places where I realize this is a part of my soul that is so interconnected with the heart, mind and body, and I just don't want to confuse myself or him by allowing that to happen.

If we are truly meant to be together, he will want to do the self work necessary to heal... without strings attached. Yes, the DB journey we have all traveled and come to understand so well. I cannot take him back--ever--if he is not willing to do the work. If he doesn't want to do it, there is no penalty if we are just friends. I accept him the way he is, and will continue to respect him as a friend and father to my children.

Let me preface what PIB said because I want this to be a matter of public record. I will always love Mr. Wonderful. That will never die.

I think the same will be true with you and CAW, regardless of any outcome. It's really and truly a blessing to have one person who sets no conditions on love. The bible tells us of faith, hope and love, love is the greatest of all. Well, the love may take on a different shape, but that is not always a bad thing.

Maybe the 2 of you might be happier being the best of friends without all these expectations in the middle? I'm certainly not advocating taking any measures, KAW... just wanting to give you some things to ponder as you begin your night shift soon.

It's not an easy mission to inventory your soul at its most bare and raw state. The fact is, I think for several months you have been saying loud and clear: "I want a woman who wants me as I am. And I no longer feel as though I want to continue reliving the shoe dropping for the rest of my days."

Yes, it's a frightening thought.

I read what you wrote to Triple J on his thread, and it was eloquent and dead center on. You're so wise and insightful with the rest of us, and I want SO badly for you to be in a state where you can just be at peace. The question is: What does that look like for KAW?

I'm sorry for opening Pandora's box over here, darlin'. But these are very worthwhile questions to answer over the course of time.

As my Friends pal, Meredith, told me, as long as the decision is not a knee jerk reaction to an event or a conversation, you can make this answer be what truly lies in your heart.

(((((KAW)))))

Betsey