We learned that FIL has an inoperable/incurable cancer growth in his liver. This has been understandably rough on CAW. Father's Day up to now has been the hardest. I had to constantly remind myself not to take her mood personally, even tho her distant presence did have an impact on the outcome on the day.
The upside during the past two weeks would have to be when she attempted to return her new glasses for a refund ($350). She did not have the receipt with her, in fact in response she stated she thinks she no longer has it. They told her she could not get a refund without the receipt. This is the $350 she asked me to give to her for the glasses. Folks, in the past, this would have gotten my dander up and I would have lettin her know that! ... Well I was still upset about it but I bit my tongue and didn't say a word about it or let it show. However, when we got home and she went on a search thru the whole house, I had to busy myself in order to keep from spewin, so I tackled the two days worth of dirty dishes in the kitchen. For those that have discovered yet ... anger is a great motivator to gettin the chores done! I think she pick up that I was upset about it, but I know for sure, what it was she was expecting. After turning the house upside down, she then drew the conclusion that she never was given a receipt. The first thought that popped into my head was, "How could anyone give someone $350 and walk away with a receipt." ... but all I said ... calmly ... was, "I guess then the best you can hopefully ask for is to exchange the glasses for another you can use." and then dropped it. Later in the evening while we were sitting together watching TV, she looked a me with those "puppy dog" eyes and started rubbing my arm with a slight curl of a smile. She didn't say a word, but boy did I get it loud and clear. After two years, she still is expecting the "old" KAW to rear his ugly head. She still doesn't take my changes for being real.
It opened my eyes to the fact all this time I'm thinking were trying to piece something together here and she had the feeling all along still that this old dog can't learn any new tricks. If that is still the basis of her belief system, then no wonder she continues to vacillate and is unable to recommit and still looks upon OM as an escape. Only now, is she starting to believe it might be true that I really have changed. Sheeesh!!!
So, its time for a refresher on the basics. Continue to keep my 180's consistent and allow more time ... for as I have said to others here, time is the only tool we have to demonstrate that thy "new" self is here to stay ... and it seems like some WAS can take years at poking you with a "stick" to check to make sure the old beast is really dead and won't come back to life in a sequel. (Jaws 4?)
... and as Slowly pointed out as I had mentioned in the last post, I have to come to accept CAW for who she is now. Forget waiting for CAW I first fell in love with to come back. Its not gonna happen. I have to look upon CAW as a whole new woman in my life. This is big ... for not only do I need to DB to draw her closer to me ... but I have to start thinking of DBing myself to draw me closer to her.
... and this is all becomes part of the plan to try to make today a better day than yesterday.
... and for those that are still wondering ... yes, the letter is still sitting on her nightstand ... albeit under an ever growing pile of stuff. After seven weeks now, I'm no longer concerned about it. Altho, her manner with me has become basically platonic since writing the letter in that she no longer initiates any kind of physical or emotional affection with the above mentioned stroking my arm being the exception, I get the sense she is no longer seeking to leave.
... so plans for her birthday bash still prod along with the invitations now have been sent and now waiting for RSVP's. This evening I'm going to pick up some canopies for the yard.
CAW's first day off from work for the summer was yesterday. So was not in a good mood. ???
'til later, KAW
P.S. Hi Bridget ... thanks for dropping in with the well wishes between my ramblings.
... for not only do I need to DB to draw her closer to me ... but I have to start thinking of DBing myself to draw me closer to her.
