The heart to conquer it...

[sage]

OK, can we call you the "Brain Pickee"? Have you ever contemplated giving up "power" by changing YOUR behaviors and H not owning up to his own mistakes/actions? A woman at work thinks that I am giving my H too much benefit of the doubt and that I shouldn't blame only myself. I don't blame only myself, but blaming him isn't getting me anywhere, is it? Were you afraid of being a doormat by forgiving him for A and the like?

Karen -- Hey, I thought you were going to stop talking to those well-meaning friends

I have a thousand thoughts about answering your question...let's see if I can get them out serially

I have certainly had my share of moments of doubt or feeling worried that I was somehow condoning or giving an OK to infidelity by the way that I have approached my sitch. I have also had flashes (sometimes lasting a LONG time) of anger, resentment, worry, blame, etc. I'm certain that there were times when I feared that I was setting myself up, being weak, whatever.

But the crux and tone and foundation of my DB'ing and the way I'm choosing to live my life and be in the marriage is about trying to focus my energies on the places I can control -- that is, me and my behaviors.

Power? Heck, I had plenty of POWER for the first 7 years of my m. and we both paid dearly for it. I am infinitely happier NOW that I've come to realize that being an equal partner with my husband means being as respectful as I can of who he is as a person, an individual and not viewing his gains as my losses and visa-versa.

How do you lose, karen, by making yourself the best, most whole, most integrated, most compassionate person you can be? How does your focus on improving YOU and taking responsibility for what you're bringing to the table in anyway make him more powerful than you are? Have the upper hand? I honestly don't think it's a zero-sum game, Karen, where what you concede he grasps etc.

I have to admit that I've surprised myself, even, by realizing that I don't HAVE to gate my progress on h's willingness to work on his own stuff (which, amazingly, he's clearly picked up and worked on on his own). It's a fundamental principle of DB'ing but it also shows up in so much else I've read or listened to -- "Your buddha nature" (kornfield), "the four agreements" and "the mastery of love" (ruiz), etc.

I don't want power anymore, Karen, over my h or my m. It was a false sense of it anyway because in the end, his desire to leave left me feeling mighty powerless. Now, though, we've each got more harmony than we know what to do with...and that's much more powerful.

Sage