The heart to conquer it...

[sage]

So at one critical point last night I was certain I would be posting to you all a "had a major, horrible backslide last night" post...instead...thanks to the wonderfulness of h and a wee bit of DB'ing, I'm posting another "made another strong step forward" post.

h had school last night. I worked a bit late and then went to the grocery store. I had just gotten home and was making dinner when he got home. It was kind of whirlwind.

He told me how excited he was about my decision to leave work. He's completely supportive which is great. thing is, after making some mental steps yesterday about quitting, I may be changing my mind back. I told h that I didn't want him to be disappointed if I decided to stay...that I was trying to decide what to do.

We started a more in depth conversation about it and I told him that I had been yearning to quit for a while now but had always convinced myself that I COULDN'T. Yesterday was the first time when I allowed myself to believe that I COULD. That I was the only thing standing in my way. And, once I had that realization, the desire to quit seemed to ebb a bit -- I said to him "once I decided I could do it, had the freedom to do it, I didn't feel as strong a pull anymore".

He seemed perplexed by that. Scrunched up his face a bit (my projection?), said he didn't think he'd ever felt that way.

I can't remember what exactly he SAID but I felt as though he was kind of picking at me for potentially changing my mind.

So out popped "well, you've changed your mind about things. You once wanted to end our marriage. To get a divorce. Remember? I feel like you are judging me for this decision."

I didn't say it in an angry tone. But I was HORRIFIED as soon as it was out of my mouth.

Where the heck did THAT come from??? And what was my point in bringing THAT up? Goodness -- it was awful.

His face closed down. His eyes got dark. He said "I don't understand what that has to do with anything and I don't want to talk about it anymore."

I said "please don't do that. Don't pull away. I'm sorry I said it."

He said "I want to watch the game."

So, even though my heart was cracking I left and gave him space. When the game was over I came back up and said "I don't even know what point I was trying to make and I'm incredibly sorry that I said that."

He responded "I don't give a crap what you do with your job. I was just trying to talk with you about it."

I said "yes, I know".

I retreated to cry in the other room.

I seriously was dismayed by what I had said and also my use of the word "judging" with him.

Not a minute later he came to the room. He said "honey, stop crying, stop feeling badly. stand up and give me a hug." He continued "please, stop making yourself feel badly about this. I can't see you this way. There's nothing that you could ever say that should make you feel this badly about yourself." Then he leaned down and whispered in my ear "I don't want a divorce."

Sigh.

I have been waiting to hear those words for more than a year and a half. It may seem absurd given all the positives in my sitch but h had never reconfirmed his desire to stay married verbally. But now he has.

He asked me to come sit with him while he studied. So I did.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with good luck and gratitude. His reactions to me are unbelievably positive and thoughtful.

As for "things that don't work" -- the conversation had quite a few negative elements (all my doing) -- it was late, he was watching tv, I was emotional, I brought something loaded up that actually had little to do with what was going on, I was reactive, I made negative judgements about his intent, I was defense...blah, blah.

thank goodness I had a few points scored up!

As for the comment itself -- I think it was a horrible combo of reacting emotionally to my lunch with mom, a dinner with an old friend the other day, my work sitch and then feeling like h wasn't hearing that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do but that I was concerned about his reaction AND that I wanted some time to mull things over.

Anyway -- no excuses -- just an attempt to understand how I let myself get caught in that web!

Sage