Quote: You mentioned that he was supportive of you but never talked about himself...why do you think? A similar sitch was true for me and h ... it's an area of focus for me moving forward...
I think a big reason H rarely shared his life/feelings/thoughts with me is ME. I have normally had a lot of drama going on with my family of origin...drama that I would bring home with me and pass on to my H. He would listen patiently, offer advice (Martian!), or simply hug me and let me cry. Sometimes he would just look at me and say, "Let's get some ice cream!" or something along those lines.
I wouldn't normally ask him about HIM, about HIS life, HIS thoughts. I always thought that he was ok, that his life was ok, that he had it all.
On the flip side: this was (above) the message he sent (or I heard). He would actually tell me that he had everything...he would say, "I have a beautiful wife, a nice little house and a good job. What else do I need?" (this was before dd...later he would include dd). He would say that dd and I were his entire life. He would tell me that he was ok, for me not to worry about him, that I should focus on my parents, that he and I had the rest of our lives together, etc....
Looking back, I think there were times when he was trying to tell me something and I wasn't listening. He became bored at his old job and was having a hard time finding a new one (right before he got his current job...met ow...bomb, etc). He once said to me, "This is so depressing." I was shocked that he used that word (depressing) because up until then that word didn't exist in his vocabulary (H is/was positive, upbeat, happy, jokster). I think I shrugged off the whole thing by giving him a hug, telling him it was ok and that something would come up. A few times after that he approached me with a couple of business ventures that I quickly dismissed and basically thought he was crazy. I told him (before he even asked) that there was no way I would mortgage the house, put up $, etc.....just shot him down. One of the ideas was actually a pretty good one.
I tried supporting him on it post-bomb and he said I was just doing it to get him back.
So, I've hijacked your thread and written a book just to answer your question.
Minnie, I can SO relate to what you described it's so hard though isn't it to really HEAR what's being said when it SEEMS as though it is so soft? I'm working on it!
Forgot to post my +s from yesterday. I planned a surprise date for h -- just dinner at a place he mentioned last week and a movie ("Anchorman" -- don't bother! Maybe rent it!). He told me that he had planned one for us, too, for tonight! I'm meeting him after class for middle eastern food and a movie. He picked "Before Sunset" which I've been wanting to see but didn't mention to him (didn't strike me as something he would be into). Makes it doubly thoughtful.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Minnie, I can SO relate to what you described it's so hard though isn't it to really HEAR what's being said when it SEEMS as though it is so soft? I'm working on it!
So how do we do this without making ASSumptions? asking leading questions?
I think that listening is a skill that I dont' possess. Is there a "listening" class I can take?
Quote: Minnie, I can SO relate to what you described it's so hard though isn't it to really HEAR what's being said when it SEEMS as though it is so soft? I'm working on it!
I just realized this: are you being a water-balloon?
Quote: I just realized this: are you being a water-balloon?
I have greatly improved my water-balloon capabilities when the topics are low pressure. I have even done a good job with some topics that used to scare me a great deal ($, the house). I find myself turning from a water balloon to an ice balloon when the topic hits on the emotional makeup of our m, on my need or desire for support, on h's willingness to help out, etc.
I'm finding that I rush through even positive conversations of late if they bear any resemblance to R talk I think I've gotten so used to NOT having them with h that one does come up (even if he's initiated it), I flee!
As for your other question...
NO ASSumptions LISTEN VALIDATE LISTEN some more SLOW down the conversation (match his pace) Say less than you want Ask leading questions Revisit the conversation later if needed Realize that saying nothing is ok, too!
More as I figure them out for myself!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I'm finding that I rush through even positive conversations of late if they bear any resemblance to R talk I think I've gotten so used to NOT having them with h that one does come up (even if he's initiated it), I flee!
I am so with you on this! (not that we have positive R talks at this point) but I feel my mind, heart and pulse rate race....and I try to get out of it (R talk) as quickly/soon as possible. I feel that I often miss opportunities to listen and validate.
Quote: NO ASSumptions LISTEN VALIDATE LISTEN some more SLOW down the conversation (match his pace) Say less than you want Ask leading questions Revisit the conversation later if needed Realize that saying nothing is ok, too!
I will memorize these!!! Thank you.
I noticed that you started a thread in KLA (not getting much work done today!). I read it (Wow!) and I have a couple of questions. I will understand if you are not comfortable answering them.
1. Does your H know about DB and this BB? 2. Re your goal of more frequency in the area of PI: was it always this way (pre-bomb)? Could it be that your H is just LD? Does he know what your preference regarding frequency is?
I'm not sure what h's level of awareness is re. all of this. I've never mentioned the book or theory to him.
A while back I met some local DB'ers for breakfast (and then again for dinner some time later) and I mentioned that I was meeting some people who belonged to a BB I posted to. I think I may have called it a "marriage BB".
Quote: 2. Re your goal of more frequency in the area of PI: was it always this way (pre-bomb)? Could it be that your H is just LD? Does he know what your preference regarding frequency is?
I would say that yes, this is not supremely different than pre-bomb although we have gone through phases when things have been more, um, hoppin'
TBH, I don't think that h is LD per se...it may be that he's interested in varying degrees of PI and doesn't know/think that I would be cool with that. I actually think that the PI stuff does have positive and likely room for improvement w/o anyone feeling undue pressure.
I **think** he knows about my interest in increased frequeny but it may not be true...may be a communication thingy where I say he knows but he really doesn't.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thank you so much for letting me be nosy yesterday. I often refrain from asking people questions about themselves because I don't want to pry; I hope you dont' think I was doing so.
I know this week was difficult for you. I hope you have a great weekend!!!
it's so hard though isn't it to really HEAR what's being said when it SEEMS as though it is so soft? I'm working on it!
when the topic hits on the emotional makeup of our m, on my need or desire for support, on h's willingness to help out, etc.