The heart to conquer it...

[imalright]

sage,
there was some interesting topics on your thread.

I'm very depressed today, just too much dumped on my plate. Major pity-party.

My H will say and do things that give me hope and then turn around and slam me with something that makes me want to give up. Does he do this knowing my reaction? Now I'm beginning to wander. I have a nasty habit of assuming and trying to understand, but I know that this is not good.

Weird that even after last night's bomb, I still don't want to pursue the D, why is that? Because my H has just done something that should send me running to my att to get a D, why am I NOT doing that? I can't figure my H out, but I can try to figure me out. I think my H is serious about the other woman and wants D in their lives, although I can't make my D take sides, I feel very hopeless, so why do I not go forward with this D?

I just need some help here, am I wrong for not wanting to give up totally?

what makes our WAH that are having A decide to come back? I think my H went deep into the tunnel and may never come back!

I did take the cell phone that I'm paying for, from my D this morning, I told hermy battery on my phone was having to be charged so I was taking hers. But how I really feel is, that why do I have to pay for her communication with her father? She is 18, let her get her own phone. But that is bitter, what do I do?

Fustrated and hopeless in Illinois

Sorry, to highjack your thread.

[sage]

Had a good day yesterday -- work was pretty good - then went out to dinner with a good friend. We had a great time...it was nice to catch up! h had school but came home with lots of cool stories to share about class! I love when he talks about school. He asked a time or two if I was ok (I was) -- said I seemed tired (I was!). I appreciated him asking but there was nothing wrong.

When I was talking to him on the phone yesterday he said "I didn't do the dishes so don't freak out when you see that". Said perfectly nicely...I didn't think any of it. A bit later he left me a message -- said "I used the words 'freak out' with you but wanted to let you know that I didn't really think you WOULD freak out. 'cause you don't really freak out about anything."

I appreciated h's sensitivity and the fact that he left a message although I hadn't taken anything by his comment.

I love my Cainer cast for the yesterday and today:

What if you have been hypnotised? What if, while you were in your deep trance, you were programmed to respond to a key trigger? You were told that, the moment you heard 'hippopotamus' you would... Ha! Look! There you go. That clearly was the word. What strange behaviour you just exhibited. You don't remember it, do you? That hypnotist did a very thorough job. I am, of course, teasing you. I am playing a game, but I am also trying to make an important point. You do have disproportionate responses sometimes, sparked off by associations in your subconscious. You may be having one now. Don't pander to a prejudice.


Hippopotamus! In yesterday's forecast, we played with the idea that if a key word of phrase was linked, in your subconscious mind to a 'call to action,' you would be unable to hold yourself back. 'Hippopotamus' is not really such a trigger, but it illustrates the way in which we can sometimes be manipulated, without realising it, by the most unlikely suggestions. Your imagination is working overtime. You are reading far more into a certain situation than it merits. Soon you will wake up from a debilitating dream and acquire a more realistic perspective. That will make you far less susceptible to false fears.

Good reminders for me to keep my mental musings in check.

Sage

[sage]

Maybe a change of number would be something to consider? Is your number unlisted?

Myrrh -- yes, there are ways to deal. I would be irked having to change our # but would be willing to do it to stop the calls...TBH, I'm leaving this in h's hands, though. If it keeps up I'm hoping that he'll suggest some solutions.

Know what I mean?

Sage

[sage]

Deb --

I'm very depressed today, just too much dumped on my plate. Major pity-party.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

My H will say and do things that give me hope and then turn around and slam me with something that makes me want to give up. Does he do this knowing my reaction? Now I'm beginning to wander. I have a nasty habit of assuming and trying to understand, but I know that this is not good.

well...you're right that ASSuming won't get you anyplace positive...can you try not to ASSume a motivation for his actions?

Weird that even after last night's bomb, I still don't want to pursue the D, why is that? Because my H has just done something that should send me running to my att to get a D, why am I NOT doing that? I can't figure my H out, but I can try to figure me out. I think my H is serious about the other woman and wants D in their lives, although I can't make my D take sides, I feel very hopeless, so why do I not go forward with this D?

Because you're not ready? Because it goes against how you feel? I'm sure you know best about the reasons behind your current stance...and I think whatever your reasons, they are AOK.

I just need some help here, am I wrong for not wanting to give up totally?

NO. NO. NO.

You are a smart, savvy, motivated person, Deb. You know your own mind and m. better than anyone else.

what makes our WAH that are having A decide to come back? I think my H went deep into the tunnel and may never come back!

I honestly don't know. I think it's a mixture of luck, some of their understanding and realization, combined with whatever work you do on yourself and your R.

I did take the cell phone that I'm paying for, from my D this morning, I told hermy battery on my phone was having to be charged so I was taking hers. But how I really feel is, that why do I have to pay for her communication with her father? She is 18, let her get her own phone. But that is bitter, what do I do?

Deb...let me ask you this...how do YOU lose if D and h have a positive R? How does it diminish your R with D? How does it impact your R with h?

My mother (parents divorced when I was 20) made a tug of war of my R with my father. She did the same for my other two sisters, too. I wish that she had been able to understand that I didn't love her any less by being able to love him too. Do you agree that the more love generated among people the more there is to go around for all of us?

Not trying to sound preachy (honest!). Just wondering if part of your sadness today is a result of you going against your loving heart.

Sage

[Heart2Heart]

Sage, just wanted to thank you for dropping by my thread, but more importantly I think the analogy you posted (pasted below) on Pam's thread is awesome. Really, really helpful to me.

I love reading your thread and learning from the way you work through so many issues! Wishing you continued success!
-H2H

Think of your experiences/the betrayal as a burning ember. You are clinging to it tightly in your hand. Who gets hurt by that?

Can you visualize letting it go? I sometimes find I have to do it 10 times a day...but it does offer a sense of relief.

[imalright]

Sage,
You are handling your sitch very well!

And thanks for the compliments! Right now I see myself as weak, so I needed to hear your compliments! Thanks!

I understand what you are telling me; I don't like being a hopeless, bitter person, it is not me!

I feel on track now and will pay no heed to what H actions are. And yes, I usually praise my H to D when he is doing things that are wonderful; taking her out to eat, fishing. She has good sense, I shouldn't be afraid that her meeting the OW means I will be loosing her. D can make her own decisions on the OW situation.

Going home soon and intend on relaxing, quilting and taking deep breaths, visitation is this afternoon. After Wednesday, I hope things will settle down...and the stress level will go down.

Thanks for leveling me out! People that are here for a while have much to offer us dummies. "DB for dummies"


Deb

[sage]

H2H, Deb, PIB, Pam! Thanks for the continued visits and support!

Had a very positive interaction with h yesterday...yet another example of how far we have come, and how far our M has come in 2 years...here's my cainercast from today, reiterating that point:

Who is running the show? Are you in charge? Or are you being bossed and bullied by a set of old memories and associations? The Moon is passing through your sign, causing you to feel sensitive and vulnerable. Mercury, meanwhile, is opposing Neptune. That is having a mixed influence. On the one hand, it is making you more imaginative and enabling you to envisage options that you previously couldn't see. On the other, it is causing you to see a lot of things which aren't really there. Maybe they existed once, but life has moved on and you need to do the same. Things are not as they once were. They are much, much better now.


What happened?

I had a terrible day at work...I'm running this very large program and have to work very closely with a guy who just drives me crazy -- actually, he drives most everyone crazy -- but they just keep working "around" him in lieu of addressing the issues and it's exhausting and demoralizing and well, just gets downright irritating. I've been complaining about it too much to h (tho' he's been awesome).

anyway, had this awful day...I want so much to find another job but frankly, this one pays $$$ and it would be very difficult for me to find another one at this time that would be equal. Add on top of it that h is in school full-time and then add on top of that that h has been showing significant interest in doing some changes around the house (costing $$$) and I was left feeling yesterday a whole mixture of things -- that I was under tremendous pressure AT work, under tremendous pressure to STAY at my job, under the pressure of financial worries ANYWAY and then at risk of really disappointing h that I'm just not sure how we can afford to do some of the stuff that he wants to do right now...AND it all reminds me VERY MUCH of 2 years ago (smack in the middle of h's EA) when we were in the midst of doing some renovations, I didn't feel as though h was listening to me that we DID NOT have the $$$ to complete what he wanted and I was feeling tremendous pressure at my job (in the midst of a number of layoffs).

Anyway ... h got home from school, hung out with me, told me some great stories about school, etc, and then we talked about what was bothering me. He was SO SUPPORTIVE and just downright awesome. He said "get over here so I can snuggle with you", told me "I am completely happy with you, our house, our lives", told me that we would pick and choose what we could afford and then reminded me that starting next month he'll be getting $ from the GI bill. All good stuff and without any hesistation or resentment or anything negative from h.

How is it possible that we have gotten this far?

Once again, I am filled with gratitude!

Sage

[psluke]

Ms. Sage,

I just cried happy tears when I read your post.

To me your R seems just about perfect. You both respect one another and talk to one another without assuming, reacting or getting upset.

I so wanted a relationship like that and I am soooo HAPPY for you that yours is there now!!!

Have a wonderful day and thank you for being a friend and inspiration, even though the R didn't work out you have helped me in my personal growth and development so very much.

[minnie1]

Good morning Sage,

I will second Pam's words and say that I am so happy for you and that it DOES sound as if you just have the perfect M and H.

How is it possible that we have gotten this far?

You have both worked so hard on this M; it's natural that you would be reaping the benefits!

I have a question though: I'm sorry if I've asked this before.

Pre-bomb/pre-EA: was H supportive of you? Would H listen to your woes and comfort you? Or is this all as a result of your DB'g?

Pre-bomb: My H was a lot like your H is today....when it came to my stuff anyway since we never really discussed his feelings on anything.

Anyway, just curious.

Hope you have a gret day and that work is not as stressful today.

Minnie

[sage]

Pam and Minnie -- Thanks for the kind words! I am happy and grateful and proud and a thousand other positive things that h and I are where we are today.

I've been having a rough day or two (or week) at work and it really dulls my entire outlook. I've realized that when work is so hideous I start feeling as though I don't have the time or energy to really focus on my m and then I start getting worried. I have to take h's words of the other day to heart and remember that I DO have some slack...that he is happy and committed and ...

I have a question though: I'm sorry if I've asked this before.

Pre-bomb/pre-EA: was H supportive of you? Would H listen to your woes and comfort you? Or is this all as a result of your DB'g?

I think it was a mixed bag. I think that h was a lot more supportive of me than I realized but that I wasn't paying attention and/or HEARING in his language (because it wasn't my primary one). I do think, though, that he has increased his level of support in many, many areas of our lives...and that is likely a result of DB, M&V and his own super hard work. And, I think there was some element of him not HEARING my level of support for him because it wasn't in his language.

You mentioned that he was supportive of you but never talked about himself...why do you think? A similar sitch was true for me and h ... it's an area of focus for me moving forward...

Sage