The heart to conquer it...

[sage]

Karen --

I hope this doesn't sound pat but I honestly hold myself 100% for my contribution to the problems in our M and 0% responsible for HIS contributions. that sounds a lot more definitive than it really is, doesn't it?

I'm not sure I really understand this. Are you saying you are not responsible for how he handled it and what he did to contribute to the probs?

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Pretty much. I guess my point is that my h brings his own "baggage" to the table, too (although we've often only focused on mine since mine tends to be overt and his tends to be passive). The best that I can do is manage/alleviate/work on the stuff that I'm contributing.

Did you expect him to own up to his share? Or to say he was sorry, etc.? Or is that not worth thinking about?
Did he blame you outright?

It's not that it's not worth thinking about...it's just that you're expending precious energy on stuff you can't control. I did not expect him to "own up" to his share...part of focusing on me and my behaviors and not him is also about dropping the rope the sense of "you gotta do xyz".

I also didn't make his offering up an apology a condition of my changing and/or a condition of my forgiving him. That's not to say that I didn't yearn for an apology or hope like heck to get one someday...but more to suggest that I didn't say to myself -- "I'll do xyz but no more until he acknowledges his contribution".

Now, note that I'm certainly NOT perfect at any of the above but when I get "stuck" in feeling self-righteous or feeling as though I don't want to work anymore without something from him I tend to stay stuck "internally" as opposed to acting out with him. I may actually pull away a bit, regroup, take some time for myself but I don't get aggressive with him or say "hey, what about your crap" -- I find that that just doesn't work for us.

Other point I'd make is that acknowledging that h doesn't process or articulate stuff in the same mode that I do has been a big relief and a big help.

h did not blame me for his A -- he told me it had nothing to do with me, in fact -- but he did offer up some reasons as to why he was in pain that had to do with me. I think that my h recognizes that he was responsible for his choices but that we were both responsible for where our M was at...

I keep saying that I'm going to quit talking to everybody!! So, here's to quitting unless they are DB'ers or have God-like principles.

I think this will make a big difference.

Quote:

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I used to have a similar argument with h myself. Let me ask you this, Karen. Why would you expect h to be nicer and more reassuring to you than you are to yourself?

You just keep hitting me with that one, don't you?

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Yes...because I think it's tremendously important that you GET IT.

May I make a suggestion? I sense that you haven't fully embraced the notion of focusing on working on yourself w/o the help or "keeping pace" of h, too. What if you set some reasonable time frame for trying it -- I think to be realistic you'd need a 6 month period -- what if you said to yourself...for the next 6 months I will release thoughts of "well, why isn't HE working too" and focus on strengthening myself and our marriage by changing my behaviors. Then, in 6 months, you can take a pulse and see if you're satisfied with the level of changes that h may have made even without your intervention!!! I think if you are totally committed and diligent you may be VERY surprised at what gets accomplished even WITHOUT your FOCUS.

Sage