The heart to conquer it...

[sage]

Whew. finally getting a chance to post. it's been a killer day. OK, yah, I've also been crabby! Partly work, partly still having a paper due for school, partly some irkedness that happened last night.

First off...let me say that I'm NOT ranting about something "going on" -- I'm not THERE -- I'm just ranting (ok, semi-ranting) about the residue of STUFF. By the end of this note you'll find me happily DB'ing my heart out.

I came home from work last night normal time. h was already home from his internship (a full day of work). I walked in the house and yelled hello. He replied, came downstairs, etc. He said that he hadn't heard me come into the driveway...hadn't heard my car alarm...I said that I knew we were going out (and we were) immediately so I didn't set the alarm. He said "well, it was kind of like you were in stealth mode".

Sigh.

He didn't say it angrily or defensively or anything negatively. And maybe it's not even making sense to my faithful readers...but I've mentioned before that the time when I come home feels WEIRD sometimes...like he's agitated or like he's hovering around me or something.

What the heck am I interrupting with my arrival? A snack of chocolate covered oreos? Scanning ebay for Hummels? Something sinister? Something better? Worse? Heck, maybe he's reading my thread.

The point is...something feels HIDDEN to me and APPARENTLY something feels, what, STEALTHY, to h. Does he think I'm trying to catch him at something?

It reminds me of the time he told me "Every time you ask me a question it sounds like an inquisition". Note that the questions I was asking were related to what kind of sandwich he ate.

So...I have to admit that I'm annoyed. And there's a part of me that's fearful, too. OK, I'm afraid, dammit. What the hell is up with that?

Is he trying to hide something from me? computer stuff? phone stuff?

He told me over the weekend that he would do anything to make me feel more secure. He told me that he didn't feel as though he were secretive about anything.

But he feels as though I'm in stealth mode?

OK...it took a LONG time to shake the discomfort of that off. Went to buy a dishwasher (finally!), went out to dinner (uncomfortable but "as if"), came home, sat on the couch, hours after the exchange we both loosened up.

Was it me reacting? Or was it him? Who the hell knows.

SO....I don't know...it's bugged me today on and off so here's the best DB'ing I can come up with.

GOAL: Remove any actions that suggest to h that I am in stealth mode -- aka -- trying to catch him at something. Do this by calling him and letting him know what time I am coming home, by using the car alarm, by giving him a minute or two after I walk in the door. Make the environment feel more comfortable, less controlling or questioning. Seek to alleviate the uncomfortableness by being more comfortable and comforting!

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On another note -- h got invited to compete for a spot on Law Review -- this is an honor! I know that he will do really well -- he's already completely motivated and planning how to write his competition paper and the assignment doesn't even come out for 10 days!!!!

Sage