Neicie Possible reasons for your H pushing HDW away. I had a back injury in 81 and again in 86. Prior to surgery, the only place that I could get comfortable was on the floor.. With me sleeping on the floor by the bed, W took it as me rejection her. I was horney at times and tried to ML but paid a price afterwors by hurting for 4 or 5 days. During ML I felt perty good. When those sex hormones kick in, nothing else matters.
The point of my post is, for me ML had a price, back hurt so bad for a couple of days I had a difficult time getting to the bathroom. Later when I got horney, I experienced the back pain in my mind Before MLing and my erection would not last. Then ML became a frustrating event for both of us. 20 years later, Condensed version> now W is LD/ND. Keeps handing me the Anne Landers articles about how W's just want to be only held-no MLing.
My reply to her ( W likes Hershey bars ) next time you need a chocolate fix, take the wrapper completely off the Hershey bar and hold it for an hour. You can not lick your fingers no matter how much the chocolate melts. Every 2 minuets put the bar 2 inches from your nose and take 3 deep breaths through your nose. Do this for a month. At the end of the month tell me how you feel about Hershey bars. How frustrated might you be at the end of the month? Would it have been easier to just eat the bar rather than just holding it?
I find myself going to bed between 1 and 4 AM because of the frustrations in my R.
To anyone posting. Thanks for your posts I feel somuch better knowing I am not alone. W tells me a man of 60 should not be interested in MLing. "That is for making babies"
The best thing to do when you are ready is to start a journal on a new thread. Describe your sitch, your history, etc. and then describe the efforts you are making. What brought you to this board?
The Ann Landers comment made me laugh though it shouldn't. I just have never seen anyone mention her or her sister on this site. One thing that most of us do (or have done) is try to validate our positions with "experts" - authors and counsellors. You could counter-attack the Ann Landers reference with Dr. Laura who says that your W should basically "shut up and comply" with your every wish. Then it becomes a battle over whose expert is right. This IS a cheeseless tunnel. The best thing to say is..."I don't care what Ann landers says or what the rest of the world wants...I simply want to ML more often." Never, ever, ever say "we should" etc. Always speak from "I want" or "I would love it if...."
There are some really good posts recently that address the subtleties of some important ideas.
I need sleep!!!
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: W tells me a man of 60 should not be interested in MLing. "That is for making babies"
Jim... obviously you don't need anyone (like me) telling you that 60 is WAY too young to hang up your spurs! Wow, if I thought I only had another 12 years to go before it's "curtains" on the love-life, I think I'd end it NOW! Hey, what if you live another 20 years? Not unheard-of. What are you supposed to do all that time? MB? I don't think so! These days 60 is not that old. I'm 48, W is 50. FIL is almost 78, but the rest of the grandparents are "only" 72 or so. They seem young to me. My own grandfather died at 76... I think my father will live a lot longer, and I think I'll live longer than HIM. I can't imagine not ML for as long as I'm physically able. Making babies is all done (usually) by the time you hit mid-30's. If you live to 90, then 2/3 of your life is AFTER the making babies part. WTF are you supposed to do??? ML, of course!
Jim, My H had back surgery in 1992 for ruptured L4 & L5. It did interfere with LM but he was much younger then and like you, would go for it anyway.
He has had health problems - crohn's is no picnic and I understand that. When he had the back problem any painkillers he took really wreaked havic on his Crohn's. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.
The medications he takes are known to have severe sexual side effects. I have got out on the websites and checked it all out so I know that he is not doing this to be a jerk - it is like a switch has been turned off and we cannot turn it back on. To stop taking the medication means a return to severe flare ups that makes his life a living hell.
I finally have put a finger on what makes me sad. It is never seeing sexual desire on my DH face for me. It used to be there all the time...it is the sadness that I feel when I remark on something sexual from our past and he responds like I said it was a nice sunset. It is knowing when I do wrap my arms around him that he doesn't feel the rush of lust that he used to.
We get along better now than we ever have. He is generous for the most part and we go places and do things together.
I just miss the sexual side of our marriage. I miss having a lover.
Because I love him very much I am working very hard to accept the results of his Crohns. It is not something he ask for. I just wish that he could understand how the lack of physical touch effects me.
Poe, I looked at this site. Wish I could say that it helped but it did not. I understand the illness very well. I attend every appointment my husband has with his doctor and read everything I can get. What I don't understand is his lack of empathy for me. What I don't understand is his refusal to read the book. What I don't understand is his turning a blind eye to my unhappiness. I don't understand his ignoring the white elephant in our living room. I don't understand why he won't go to counseling with me.
