It was great to find this board. I joined back in September or October of last year - but have been inactive for awhile. Like Mike said - it sometimes was just too sad and just kept me upset.
I feel like with ya'lls help on this post I hijacked from Mike has really done me good!
I would have hissy fits if he "cut me off" and there wasn't a darn good reason such as this illness. I have always thought sex was just jimdandy. If you by any chance read my first posts you would know that I had been married once before to a young man that decided after we were married that "sex would make you dirty like my mother". Oh joy thrill. I lived with that mess for 18 months and I LEFT and NEVER regretted it.
When I met my H that I am now married to it was like sexual sparks instantly flew. I thought he was the sexiest man alive and I still feel that way. To me he looks the same as he did at 24. I realise he has aged but he looks darn good for just shy of 50. When he was in his middle 30's is when he really got ill and he looked horrible then - his hair literally turned silver overnight.
Anyway - one reason this has been such a nightmare for me is it is like my worst nightmare come true - married to someone who avoids sex with me.
When I have talked to H about the way his disintrest makes me feel he insists that he loves me and still finds me every bit as attractive as when we were first together and that I should NOT feel like this is my fault or that he is purposely doing this to me.
The rational side of me understands some of it and the irrational side says "I don't care - the end result is the same not matter what the reason!"
Quote: There's something else going on with him besides Crohn's. I'm guessing he's feeling inadequate or sorry for himself because of it. I understand why he might, but he doesn't HAVE to feel that way. It's a choice he's making.
He rarely feels sorry for himself so to my way of thinking it is more an issue of inadequecy. How about it guys? If you felt that you would not be able to maintain an erection would you avoid sex?
I do know that if he "overheats" it will KILL everything quick. I keep our room pretty cold for that reason!!! I wish we lived in Alaska sometimes!
What bothers me most is that his "technique" has gone from exquisite lover to just "doing it". That really bothers me. Sex with him used to be absolutely fantastic and now for the most part it is not.
As I said, I rarely approach him for sex because he inverably says no. While we were on our cruise the first night he reached for me and I thought "Great! This is what vacations are for!!!" Well - he got his jollies and left me hanging. I was furious but said nothing - what's the point? On our 4 day we were at a beach in Cozumel with our two kids swimming. Always before when we got in the water I would put my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around him. After a few seconds he pushed me away.
I just swam off and later he could tell I was upset but I refused to tell him why and insisted I was just tired. I did not want to ruin our vacation by having a knock down drag out fight.
I guess maybe it was that night ( not sure now - that was 2 and a half weeks ago) we went to bed and I put my arms around him and was kissing him and he of course said "move over". I moved over instantly.
He knew that I was upset and then he decided to ML. That feels like pity sex to me.
I know that the subject will come up soon - and he will say "oh here we go again" but I think our converstation is going to be different this time.
Any direction is always appreciated. I always want to be kind, supportive, and unjudgemental with my H. To be otherwise is counter productive and yet I do believe by not pushing the issue I am in effect enabling him to cop out on me.
I want him to read the SSM book. I have asked numerous times and he has said he would a few times and others he has said flat out he did not want to read it.
The reason he doesn't want to read it is that he said that unless someone had Crohns and could really understand where he was coming from he did not believe they could help him understand anything.
