I can relate to so much of your situation although mine is free from illness, etc. Mine is just a W under stress from kids, work, home....oh yeah, and ME!
One thing that seems clear to me from everyone here is the difference in attitude toward sex between the HD and LD spouse. For the H(er)D, sex is 50+% of the R, and therefore critical. For the L(er)D spouse, it's good but not critical, and therefore is often ignored or postponed for other activities (sleep, TV, cleaning lint out of belly button, etc.).
The HD tries to fix the M alone, and that starts (or adds to) the anger. Your H isn't trying to regain the satisfaction you felt earlier in your M and you feel angry about it (rightly so, IMO). That's just selfish, whatever his excuse (even Chron's). That selfishness causes feelings of rejection, disapproval and "unsexyness" (which is HUGE to the HD - it says, "you are undesirable, you have no value, and your needs are unimportant").
The HD feels frustrated and hopeless because the LD doesn't face his/her selfishness. Realistically, unless the LD spouse owns up to that selfishness, what future does the R have? A sexless R or divorce are the only options I can see, and neither of those are attractive to me.
BTW, the HDM are jealous that you miss (and want) the sexual innuendos and being "felt up". They want that, too, for the reason you mentioned, intimacy.
I hope posting helps you. But I've had to step away myself, so I understand if you do, too.
