Thanks, all, for your responses. Everything I read here is helpful.
InHerJourney, of course your post made me stop and think. I could have written the first part, myself, a couple of years ago. I'm so demoralized at this point, it sort of shocked me to hear someone writing to me, pointing out how crazy I'd be to give up sexuality altogether.
Okay, so I figured out that I need to completely withdraw from thinking about sex with my husband, and not necessarily sex-in-general. Well, I'm trying to diminish the whole issue in my mind (find hobbies, etc.) but not all the way down to zero. So I did go ahead and put the sexy undies on today - but now I'm careful to dress in a room by myself, he'll never know. I can still feel sexy etc., even if I'm working on not pressuring LDH.
And the pressure thing. Jeez. In the past three days, I've realized that - whether he knows it or not (and I do not think he does), I've tailored SO MANY BEHAVIORS toward him so that I might increase my chances of sexual closeness. I'm sure you all know what I mean. But I'm reeling from realizing just how much this whole issue has pervaded my daily life, every little thing I do. Don't upset him. Don't criticize him. Give him a certain number of compliments daily. Give him all the cuddling/massage he wants. Buy him presents, etc. Of course, I usually love doing all these things for him, anyway (as part of a loving relationship) but I'm realizing that in the back of my mind, especially when the relationship is sexually dry, I'm hoping and hoping to increase my chances. To go back to doing these things just because is my goal.
In order for me to do that, I simply have to tell myself "no sex" for awhile. Believe it or not, reading about some of you who've gone months or years without it, encourages me (I can't imagine, but I may be about to find out).
The reason for the "no sex" (not necessarily "no sexy feelings inside") is that it's time he really understood how this feels to me. He is a LDH, not a NDH. He definitely has a sex drive, no question about it. It's just much lower than mine. It's lower than anyone else's I know personally, but not as low as some of the spouses described on this BB. I have tried (mostly unconsciously) the no pressure thing for a couple of years (you might say I was trying behavioral bribes, though, without knowing it). It's been complicated. Occasionally, he'll say, "Gee, if you would just wear some sexy lingerie, I'd sure appreciate it." So I would, and then, sometimes he'd respond and sometimes he wouldn't. The longest he's gone without asking for sex in some direct way is about 3 weeks. So, in 3 or 4 weeks, we'll see what happens. That doesn't sound that long - although three days ago, it sure did.
InHerJourney, I also want to say I admire the fact that you could actually get to the point where you could talk/negotiate with your H, even though I also think it sounds abysmal to have to do it. I figured out quite awhile back that once a week is just fine with me, and a compromise between me and the LDH, but when it drops below once a week - and stays that way for awhile, I am depressed, resentful, miserable, and, eventually, obsessed with what to do about it. Right now, I can't imagine telling my H that he has to do it weekly or else (even if I feel that way). Usually, the sex we have is spontaneous and we both deeply desire it, and it is incredibly incredibly satisfying. If I had sex every week but it felt negotiated, then it would be less satisfying (and more like MB for me) and I'm trying to figure out if that would work. Of course, I'm simply imagining how it would be. For all I know, putting him on a schedule would be okay with him! He wants to please me, right now he can tell I'm depressed and this morning he said, "I know I've had something to do with it," but claims he can't imagine what.
The fact that he can't imagine what, floors me. The past few days contained events that brought this whole thing to a head, and he simply can't see it. Doesn't see it. Won't see it.
InHerJourney, can you tell me more about how you negotiated with your husband? How long between bringing the problem up and getting to the negotiation? Was there a lot of anger and resentment? I'd guess that you probably spent some time trying to figure out WHY his SD was low, etc. Is there a reason that you know of? Or did you give up even trying to figure it out?
I am scared about turning relatively sexless, even for a short time, but it seems the only solution to this incredible frustration I have right now. I need to keep posting on this board in order not to lose track of why I'm doing it - and to make sure someone points out to me how stupid it is to do it.
SuperDave, I'm trying to get my mind around this pressure/love thing as well. It's been hard for me to see how my making a nice dinner and lighting candles is "pressure." What am I supposed to do, stop doing all the little loving things I've done, because they're "pressure"? I really have no idea exactly which of my behaviors he sees as pressure (I only know some of them: dressing up sexy in the evening, planning getaway vacations and expecting sex during them (which I have expected in the past), making references to sexy behaviors and what I'd like to do with him - these are all "pressure" to him). But I think he is also getting anxious about the dinners and candles. On the other hand, massage is never pressure to him (probably because he senses that to me, massage is a thoroughly non-erotic way of touching, I have training in therapeutic massage and it is inevitable that it's more like a nurse-patient thing to me than anything remotely erotic - in fact, giving him a massage is an erotic turn-off to me).
My H would thrive on more affection and would, I believe, never have sex with me if I would simply cuddle all the time. I have no proof of that statement, that's how it seems though. Consequently, I really don't like cuddling with him right now. I'm trying very very hard, though, to continue being affectionate with him (we just had a nice hug before he left for the hardware store) even though I feel sad every time he touches me. (This is a new thing, hopefully will go away).
Hairdog, the thing is: most of the "pressure" items that Dave and I are mentioning are not even remotely like kicking someone. I mean, if a person kicks someone to express love, they're disturbed. Even my LDH would agree that he would not want me to stop fixing nice dinners, dressing nicely, etc., as a result of his feeling pressure. In other words, my H has no clue what he wants. (He sure knows what he doesn't want!) I did want to say, Hairdog, that you've helped me see WHY I'm working on a no pressure campaign. I don't expect "results," I just need the information - about myself, my own drives, and about him. I need to know what each of us considers pressure and why we're even bothering to do certain things if one or both of us is experiencing it as if it were a kick in the groin.
I also need to know what direction this is all going in. Have we managed to ML 2-3 times a month for most of our relationship ONLY because I've bartered/pressured for it??? If so, I don't want any more of that sex - I don't care how good it is at the time. On another thread, someone mentioned how great the sex was with a total stranger whom he met in a hotel room simply to have sex with. Perhaps the reason I have found the sex so good in the past is simply because it was sex! Who knows? This is the only R I've ever enjoyed sex within (but I've only had two sexual partners in my whole life, so what do I know?)
And what do I do about his seductive behaviors? He doesn't intend them that way AT ALL, but he does various things I find arousing (some of them he simply couldn't help doing - like sitting there looking cute), and I almost have to ignore him altogether to not experience those cues. And I'm really really tired of experiencing those arousal feelings and having it go absolutely nowhere. (It's only been 18 days, but at this point in our little drama, I usually would have come on so strong that he would almost have to do me - he says he's always glad afterward, but you know what? I'm tired of this routine. I want him to want me and work to have me, not the other way around. Period). I probably sound like a complete bitch. As I understand it, though, after reading about the feelings of LD spouses, my desire to have him want me may be completely unrealistic.
Gotta stop, feel like my head is going to explode. Since these issues came up and I've visited these boards, I find I'm not sleeping well, and not able to put up such a great facade as I usually do. Indeed, I'm beginning to think my insomnia problem in general (which is about 2 years old) is linked to the decline in our sex life (from once a week to 2-3 times a month to maybe 1-2 times a month some months).
