Taking a cue from you all, I declined the offer of a massage last night. LDH uses massage to get a massage for himself (I always offer to reciprocate) and of course, massage is exactly what he wants. Massage triggers a complex set of feelings for me, and when it's been 15 days since we ML, I really don't want a friggin' massage. I do yoga, thank you very much.

So I said no a couple of times and thought about asking him why he was offering a massage, did he really want one for himself, etc? Then I decided that would be too radical a change for us this week, because I do not initiate such convos late at night.

I knew he was feeling pressured to offer something he thought I would like, and that he would interpret gestures of mine as pressure, such as wearing a certain nightie, etc. So, before he came home, I made sure I was wearing a non-sexy nightie (one he says he likes a lot, though). Then I worried about the late night supper I had for him after work (I had purchased his favorite specialty beer, smoked salmon - another fave, etc.) I started thinking he might see the food as a bribe, too. So, no candles, and a very casual presentation of the food (very offhand) so that he didn't feel I was trying to lead into something. (I'm in the No Pressure phase right now). I've been in the No Pressure phase for a year, but I haven't been as aware of what constitutes "pressure" for him as I was before I came here.

So, here is what happened. He really opened up and started talking about his day, and about ideas that are very important to him, and very interesting to both of us. The only thing that comes close to being as good as sex is a really good conversation. So, while we went to bed without any physical affection (I don't even think we kissed goodnight - which was fine with me, since I am trying to avoid my own sex/desire triggers at this point) we did connect and that was really good.

Normally, I would have given in about the massage, eventually. Oh, and one more thing. A professional masseuse is coming on Friday to give him a massage, so that I can, without denying him anything, not give him his regular massages. I find it interesting, really, that I can purchase (legally) what he needs (physical touch, massage) but not what I need!

In a few days, I'll be heading into a tougher work cycle and the time of the month when I have less libido. Sometimes I think he deliberately avoids me when I'm really feeling sexy, but, maybe not (maybe it's just all-the-time avoidance, until his own sex drive kicks in, whenever that is). I think this is one difference between some HDW's and HDH. HDW's do get a respite from the sex desire thing for a few days a month - at least many do, perhaps the desire lessens a little. It never goes away for me (although I know there are a bunch of things I can do to diminish my interest in sex, many of which involve turning my attention from being/looking sexy to reading huge thick books on European prehistory or archaeology).

I have been posed to do this (read history rather than wear lipstick, ), but then, I don't get the nice flirtatious looks from the guys at the gas station and the neighbor across the street. LOL (and sigh). Also, it's a slippery slope. If I start the European history book (which actually, I plan to do), I'll gradually lose my own drive, and by next month, I'll have less interest. Then, I won't need this board (jk).

Any advice on this? Anyone done that? Does it help if the HD partner does what s/he can to dampen their own drive?