Friends, Squatters and Lurkers--Life in a fishbowl

[Briget]

Tj our knight on a white horse.Thank you for coming to our dear Betseys defense.

Now on to Pens question.

First I can honestly say right now I would not take him back.At least not the way he is.He was a very kind loving man.If he could become that man again I would be willing to try again.

Having said that I believe that man is still in there somewhere.Under all the anger towards me for getting sick and not taking care of it sooner.

I'm sure as a MD you have seen familys fall apart when one gets sick.I know that is a contributing factor.Not the only one my temper got me there.But the woman he was married to while I was sick was a monster.I can blame it on hormones and all but some of it was just plain old anger at the world.

Now he is doing the same to me.I can bare it.

The reasons for staying in the marriage are practical first.

Financally I can not afford to be divorced.I have a high school education and a few typing classes.While staying for money isn't romantic and I am romantic by nature it is a sturdy reason to stay.

I really do love him.Not the romantic kind.I would lay down my life for him.(But I do miss romance in the worst kind of way.)

I miss him.I miss the man he used to be.

Ipromised to love him forever and that is a promise I intend to keep.

I do not believe in divorce.Except for drugs and abuse.I believe these are deal breakers.

I'm not sure these are popular reasons but they are mine.

My cousulor has asked me why would I take a man back that has hurt me and continues to hurt me.The only answer is how can I not when I remember what I had before he lost his ever loving mind.

Later Friend.
Love,
Briget

[SadBurl]

So here’s my challenge for today: list any number of reasons why you want your WA back, as they are today.

Emm this made me think a lot. I guess the answer plain and simple is I don't. I don't want the man who lies or keeps things from me. I NEED honesty again.

We had started getting there and then he reverted back to his old ways. I guess I need to state my boundaries again.

Don't get me wrong my ultimate goal is to restart our marriage but not at any cost (although sometimes I think oh anything to be with H again I miss him so much but I know it would be fruitless.)

I love my H very much and I know he loves me even though he's mixed up with OW. I really and truly belive we're soul mates.( Sound crazy but we have an uncanny way of knowing what each other is thinking when we're together and our touch just electrifies each other!)

Pen your description of how WA feels really struck home and you could have been case studying my H. (where did you get your insight from) I know he's scared but I am too. I just hope one day he will have the strength to take 'the leap of faith' The question is how do I help him to this place?

I will always love him and at the moment don't think I will ever give up. i just need things done more on my terms within my boundaries.

God bless

[Penthesilea]

Hi Wonder,

I think you make an excellent point in reminding us that the answer to the question “why we want them back” changes, as time progresses, as the people involved change, and grow; and that it’s a good idea to take the pulse of the relationship from time to time so to speak (although not obsessively) and see if there are really still “reasons” left.

Pen

[Penthesilea]

Hi Briget,

I don’t think your reasons unpopular at all. You don’t like the way he is acting right now, but you remember the way you dealt with life while you were sick, and you are willing to let him see himself through his crisis. Yes, I do know how much an illness can disrupt a person’s attitude and interactions with family and friends. There are solid financial reasons to remain married, and when you said “forever” you meant “forever”, and still mean it. You believe that underneath it all, the man you married is still there, and can be brought to the forefront again.

I’m learning a lot from all of you, so thank you for sharing your perspectives.

Pen

[karen812]

Hi,
I'm sorry to hijack & be selfish, but can someone come visit me in Piecing? "Seeking the Truth."
thanks a lot!
karen812

[Underdog]

Pen,

Apology duly noted and accepted!

I guess I really don't know what I think about the rhetorical question. I guess if Mr. Wonderful were to tell me he's ready to commit himself to resolving issues it WOULD be for the children and for the fact that we have been happy in the past.

But that's as far into the past as I want to go, because I refuse to live there. Which makes this question 10x more difficult.

Personally, I don't know if I can really say I've outgrown him. He doesn't bore me (though discussing teenage drinking games DOES bore me) and he's a really good father. For the most part, he can be a good friend (that's what drew me to him in the first place). Right now, he seems to be solution oriented with me to give me some time alone during the week--which is something I cannot do during the school year. I'm appreciating having a couple extra weeknights to myself without any added responsibility.

I guess I'd have to say, in such a longwinded fashion, that I would be praying hard for all of us if that were to happen. Because I truly don't have the answers. Yet.

That's as good as I can do. It's almost time for the lockmonster, so I'll start a new thread in a few minutes.

Betsey