Yes Pen! Not only "could it be" like this-- this is EXACTLY what it has been... minus the kids.
To my H's credit--- yes, despite all this destruction, he does get some credit, IMO-- he has attempted to talk with me about all of this where many WAs would not. Some of the talking was done when I was still processing lots of anger and pain-- some after I healed a lot of the raw stuff. Honestly, it is safe to say we resolved any marital issues that might have been weighing on either of us a very long time ago.
It is the stuff you talk about that remains.
He has told OW he still has feelings for me, that he misses me, that he's coming home... and did it a few times. He also told me he wanted OW to be OK with it, that she has been good to him and has good qualities along with all the negative ones he's told me about. Let's face it, she has been there for him when he would not allow me to be, yes, and he's cultivated the emotional attachment that comes from that. But she has also been a pretty destructive influence as well.
So perhaps he's just in the same place, going through the same motions and feeling the same feelings-- I don't know.
What gets me is that he's said he wants "whatever relationship I want to have with him" after the divorce... it's clear to me that he'd like to have me in his life still... and put all the responsibility on me for whatever the R looks like, or if it even exists. This where the WA mindset becomes maddening to one LBS.
Quote: So in his eyes, he’s already thoroughly discredited himself in front of her.
Well, right again. The truth is that he has. He can always choose to change that by putting that in the past and taking on new actions, though. Not new superficial behaviors-- but new choices. It's hard work. No doubt.
I just go with the stated plan to be divorced so he can "be happy"--he knows how I feel about it-- and I keep finding myself on this line between stating reasonable behavior/boundaries and further influencing these feelings of "i can't do it--I've broken everything."
