Quote: My WAH--who is well described by what's been written here--is now making an unseen-to-date effort to do things we'd agreed to and is repeating the exact behavior patterns of his 4 previous reconnection attempts. Yet is still pursuing divorce and living with OW. What would you all make of this? Closure? Friendship? Reconnection? Just curious what "the other side" thinks.
wonder
Hi Wonder,
Greetings from the Other Side. *smile* What your particular brand of WA is thinking I can’t tell you, but for the sake of argument, let’s try to imagine a typical WA (also known as Walkawayus vulgaris) Not an almost-WA, but someone who actually left their family for an OP and is currently living with him or her. To simplify pronounification, let’s assume the WA is a man. Our WA has a wife and 2.2 children. He left his family, say, three months ago, and the reality of real life with real OP is already starting to creep in (as opposed to fanasy life with fantasy OP). He is starting to miss his wife and his 2.2 children.
So far, so obvious. His LBW, being a smart cookie, has meanwhile found this site and is DBing. Our WA notices all the positive changes she has made, and that adds to this misery. Now, he is faced with two choices. He could go back to his family (obviously) or stay with OP. Now, the rusty wheels of the WA mind begin to turn. He’s already badly hurt his wife, and he knows it. She may chose to forgive him, but she may never really do it. Or even worse, she might become a WA herself at some point (and after all, who could blame her). So in his eyes, he’s already thoroughly discredited himself in front of her.
As for OP, he’s been telling her for months in what a terrible, stale, sterile marriage he was in. How his wife didn’t understand him, how they were together only for the children. He was quite eloquent, because he believed it himself at the time. Now, how to convey to OP that the terrible marriage might not have been so terrible after all, that he is torn up inside, and that he’s even considering going back? A big blow to his self-esteem and pride, and like it or not, those two things play a big factor in most men’s decisions. Not to mention that OP is probably in love with him, and he'd have to hurt her feelings, too. As far as he’s concerned, in order to go back, he’d have to make a fool out of himself in front of not only one, but two women, accept that he's made a lot of mistakes and caused a lot of pain. So he stumbles on, refuses to make a decision, alternates between burst of anger, tenderness and despair, and subconsciously hopes that someone, please, make the decision for him.
