Why, Wonder, that is one of the nicest things anyone has done!
I did state that I wasn't touchy-feely. I'm not, until I get to know someone. I guess we ALL know each other pretty well now, don't we?

Thanks for your post. However, to me forgiveness is rather hard when I KNOW there is someone out there that hates my guts. It's kinda hard to say, "I forgive myself," when I picture someone spitting out whatever they are drinking to yell, "What the HELL?" if she heard such a ridiculous notion.

That forgiveness is NEVER coming. So, my own forgiveness is a bit pointless to me. I would try to make things right, however, I doubt that it will do me any good.

I am fully aware that I created this mess. Oh, if all involved could see me now. I wish they could see the person I have become. But, I constantly hear thru the grapevine how awful I am. I guess that is a reason I am so ultra sensitive to forgiving a spouse but not an OW. I mean, the details of the whole thing will go with me to my grave, but, this OM has a heaping share of the blame. Oh, I WANT for him to be forgiven. I truly think he should be. He was as lost in a fog as I was. I know he never wanted to hurt his wife. I honestly believe that he loved her. We were just 2 people that came together at a time when we both needed something that we couldn't understand. Any other time and place, this wouldn't have happened.

Oh, gosh, it sounds like I am trying to make excuses. Absolutely not. I wake up to this every day and wish to God I could change it. I guess I beat myself up enough. To think of someone out there saying, "Good! You should!" just makes it that much worse. If that's even possible.

Anyway-
I wanted to jump in on the whole caring/not caring issue. In Betsey's example, I think that if throughout the relationship Mr. W was outwardly caring and loving, his suggestion that she go out with the OM would be looked at much differently. But, when you are lacking those things, it is much easier to examine things like this under a microscope. Right then he goes from being a secure man that simply trusts his wife to a man who doesn't give a [censored] what she's doing.

Yes, Betsey. Our H's are MUCH alike. Hopefully they won't end up next to each other someday at some bar, trying to drink away the great girls that got away!

God, this self-examination is taxing. But, I do need to keep revisiting these issues until I make my peace with them. See? Even that rings false. Who am I to "make peace" with anything?