Friends, Squatters and Lurkers--Life in a fishbowl

[Underdog]

Okay, Sage, what's going on that has you worrying about this? I read your stuff regularly, and I'm going to ask what triggered you into this topic to the point of exhaustion?

I can only answer for myself here. If I were the person who was going to be interrogated (read: forced to hear about the fears from another person's perspective), I would wish for one simple thing.

For him/her to express themselves calmly and directly--using words that demonstrated caring but showed vulnerability. I think this is what Trish and everyone else was trying to tell me all along...

In the case of your e-mail issue, it would also have to be brought up in a moment of good timing (or at the very least, not poor timing) and only addressed once for the episode that triggered the insecurity. If it's a topic up for frequent discussion, it's a fear of the person that needs to be processed so it isn't projected on the spouse.

"Honey, while I don't want to read your e-mail messages or imply that I need that, something has happened that have given me pause to think. Since I'm a little confused and feeling a little insecure, I'd just like to share them with you so that I understand... "

Those sort of statements demonstrate you care a whole lot. But they aren't clingy or fearful or needy.

Caveat (Sage, I really don't think this applies to you, so ignore this): If this topic rears its ugly head more than a few isolated times, there IS a problem. I find that unless I deal with the insecurities that are making themselves known in spades, this issue will be addressed ad nauseum until I get there.

So before anyone dares to head here, I suggest they process and make sure that they are clear in what they are asking, what they are asking for, and to be content with whatever answers are provided--and not to be brought up again unless the spouse is consistent with pulling those triggers.

Now I just need to plan my own list of questions and find a time to sit down and chat with Mr. Wonderful.

Betsey