Pam, seems there is a fair amount of book review disagreement on this thread, so I am going to add mine.
When I read this book, it struck me that it was taking valuable and complex ideas and oversimplifying them in a way that was pretty unsettling.
Sure, giving love is not about asking for something in return-- and a lot of unneeded pain in relationships can come from thinking otherwise.
We all have needs in relationships. Wholeness allows us to meet them in healthy ways and not hold it over our partners' heads that they are not meeting silent demands in return for "our love".
Sure, rejection and hurt feelings can often be mostly about US. But some rejection is real and legitimate. Committed Rs require agreed upon expectations on both sides-- expecting them to be met is healthy-- and feelings of rejection are a natural outgrowth of having that commitment abandoned by one party. Whether we identify with it or work through it is a choice.
Telling someone they have hurt you is necessary boundary setting, but repeatedly throwing your pain in someone's face can be controlling and manipulative and not loving. Not dealing with our hurt causes us to hurt others, plain and simple.
But feeling your broken heart isn't manipulative or about guilt--it's a very painful, intense, intimate and physically grueling personal feeling. In many cases, people keep the real bulk of those feelings very, very close to their vest-- for the most part, the partner who left never really sees or hears about the intensity of that pain.
BTW, Pam, I also wanted to echo what others have said about your earlier posts. They were incredibly thoughtful, well communicated and also--on a selfish note, personally helpful to me.
Thank you for being brave enough to put that stuff out here because it's clearly not easy and it's a gift you offer to many.
Pen, I'd suggest there are as many situations in which the LBS isn't equally ready to walk out the door, is genuinely surprised by revelations of unhappiness because it was not just left uncommunicated but because they were seeing actions that showed happiness and devotion.
So it wasn't shock that gives LBSs in this situation the impetus to address the issues-- it is the simple communication that these issues exist. I guess it's easier to suggest that we'll "never know" if the M could be saved, just like anything else, not trying is much less risky for the ego. (the old, I didn't try so I didn't really fail).
I'm not suggesting some LBS weren't ready to walk, just that I'd bet an equal percentage are the other way too.
I have already taken up way more than my alloted space, but all this talk makes me think I'd be most grateful for any opinions you ladies might offer on this:
My WAH--who is well described by what's been written here--is now making an unseen-to-date effort to do things we'd agreed to and is repeating the exact behavior patterns of his 4 previous reconnection attempts. Yet is still pursuing divorce and living with OW. What would you all make of this? Closure? Friendship? Reconnection? Just curious what "the other side" thinks.
