Wow! I really thought we had nothing much to say about now, but I was drastically wrong! So wrong that I'm digging up stuff that needs to be processed and discarded as well.

Pam, I've been thinking about your posts hard and long today. Boy, did it resonate with me. Our similarities are so distinct. And so are the similarities in the men we married--with one exception: your H told you to get out, but mine retreated into the recesses of his mind and soul.

But the similarities seem eerie and make me feel as though I'm ready to address this stuff with Mr. Wonderful in the near future. I, too, perceive(d) him not to care about what I did or didn't do.

When OM came out for a visit, he smiled and said, "This means I can work more. Do you think he'd mind hanging out with you without me?"

Did he realize what I thought he was telling me? I don't give a rats ass if you sleep with him or not. Love him or not. Love me or not. Just leave me be.

Linda, I guess I'm going to concede game point to you on this. (Not that I couldn't think you were right about him feeling so much he acted like he didn't care... just that I really didn't believe it.)

I also know now what I needed to feel like there was something to build on: him expressing SOMETHING about what I was or wasn't doing. He certainly told me on his way out the door (and a few more times) that his reaction stunned him so much that it led him to believe that he didn't love me anymore.

For the first time, I think he felt SOOOOO much that he shut himself down completely to avoid feeling the pain. I've felt bits and pieces of this to be true all along, but not to the magnitude I feel right now. The alcohol, the holing up in the apartment and watching reruns of Law & Order, the mindless social activities with Gary (maybe I'm talking about Sponge Bob?), the seemingly constant conflict avoidance, the unwillingness to address the elephant that is sitting in our living room. They are ALL evidence pointing to this very truth.

The difference between me now and then is that I'm affirming myself and I have a great support group here to bounce ideas with and to keep me focused on what the core issues really are. Back then, I was blinded by pain and looking only for someone to lead me away from mayhem... like the Pied Piper. Well, didn't the rats all get led to the river and drown anyway?

Thank goodness we've seen the light and opted to better ourselves rather than bitter ourselves (great play on words, Pam).

Randy, the day I truly believed that D7 was a gift was the day I realized that I wanted what she had. That is, I realized that my little girl loves unconditionally and without strings attached. She's happy every day she wakes up. I sat in my lawn chair and decided I could TRY to be like her.

They are the teachers, friend. It is up to us to live the lessons for what they are.

Betsey

"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein