Hi again, Seattle! I don't really mind answering your questions. I really do think that it helps to get inside the mind of someone who has been there. And, the more I have to think about all of this, the better off I am. I am a classic avoider!
Actually, the e-mail was found on his end, not mine. It was kind of a relief to me, actually. I was just going along with things, not really looking into the future.
I had no choice but to tell my H. (It was going to be me telling him or someone else). I guess this could be seen as "voluntarily ending things," as I had no desire to pick back up at that point. I immediately (voluntarily) got rid of my cell phone and deleted my e-mail account. More avoidance on my part.
See how easy it was to end it? You know what though? If it hadn't been found out, I don't know how much longer it could have gone on. I just did not have the strength to end it on my own.
Not that this matters, but the physical part of it was over at that point. But the emotional part was still going on. I don't know if the physical stuff would have come back up (no pun intended).
The whole point of me bringing all of this up is that I wanted to show that I never intentionally wanted to hurt anyone. I didn't even think that I was! I was just trying to meet my own needs, and I had pure tunnel vision.
You know what--- I am realizing as I am typing this... if my husband had wanted to work things out, no questions asked, I wouldn't have taken the hard stand that I did with OM. I might even think that it would be o.k. to try to be "friends." In other words, I took whatever my H gave. He suspected the A the whole time, yet he never went beyond asking me a few subtle questions. This is one of the things that made me think he just didn't care.
As long as I had H as a "safety net" and as long as I thought he'd always be there, I continued on with a self destructive pattern.
When my safety net was yanked I was suddenly quite lost. Luckily, I had found this site by then. I had started making changes for the better months before that, but this helped me to make sure I was making them for the right reasons.
My goodness, I was a real pain in the ass!
Who knows how it will end. My H is obviously very torn when it comes to believing that I am not that person anymore. It is a slow uphill climb, but we're getting there.
Seattle, just be open to the fact that your wife CAN change. BUT, don't let on that you believe that until she starts to do it. Don't be a safety net. She has to crash on her own.
