Friends, Squatters and Lurkers--Life in a fishbowl

[Underdog]

Well, Pen, mark the calendar because we're in disagreement on this issue--at least on my own personal front. I must state that I placed a caveat on this discussion before we proceeded--that it was not wise to lump everyone in the same box and apply a cookie cutter diagnosis and course of action.

Linda actually said what I had been feeling during the time of my discontent:

I wasn't happy in my marriage but I didn't want to end my marriage. I wanted to understand what it was that was coming between our love, the resentment, the criticism, the withholding, the fear and anger. So until it was 'fixed' I didn't feel in balance, content, happy.

We had done a few rounds of MC... and it wasn't until he left that I realized he went because I wanted to go. I noticed (in hindsight) that he had not opened up on his issues.

I assure you, had I decided to leave first, I would have been forced to put the needs of my girls and him on a back burner to give me clearance to chart out my new path. Yet everytime I set those wheels in motion, all I could see were big red lights flashing--intuitions that told me there HAD to be a better way. I didn't know what that might have been, but I knew that a better solution was out there.

I dislike generics as much as I like labeling. I prefer to be someone who sees situations as uniquely individual, therefore, there is no book or counselor that should give a cookie cutter Rx without knowing the intricacies first.

I love the challenge of thinking outside the box. And if more of our spouses were solution centered rather than problem focused, I doubt we'd be here.

Randy--what I was trying to say in a long winded way was that in a true partnership, a committed spouse would be communicating issues with you. You indicated that one day she just got mad and left, right? Unless she's rabid-dog-like-crazy, that's probably not the case inside her head.

It may have taken on that appearance because of her dysfunction, but I'm willing to bet she wasn't looking for solutions for quite awhile. That's why the bomb seemed to come out of nowhere. I really just don't want to see you absorb 100% of the blame in a situation that doesn't deserve that assignation.

You WOULD have a batting average had she allowed you to take a turn at bat. Instead, she played the first and only inning and then called the game--pointing fingers at you and telling the spectators that it was your fault. The fact is that maybe she wouldn't have considered your opinion and perceptions or even your solutions, but had she been reasonable, would have entertained your side of the story.

Pam, I'm going to close this post with you. Pen said much more eloquently what I've been trying to say off the BB for some time. You have PLENTY to offer me and everyone else. Your mediation skills are excellent and you DO express yourself well. Just because Meredith and I articulate in a manner you enjoy and admire doesn't detract from the gifts you obviously possess. This goes back to my original thought...

We ARE uniquely different. We think differently. We hold different values. Sometimes they conflict. But a true diplomat is someone who can dissent, tell the other person to go to hell, and make them look forward to the journey (thank you, Henry Kissinger, for that statement). A diplomat sees that differing opinions are good.... and perhaps to give the dissenting parties something to consider and contemplate.

You do that awfully well, my friend.

Betsey