Pen! And I had thought you had forgotten about me!
Funny you should make the comment about being less judgemental. Me too. Except it all falls back under that whole "self serving" issue, doesn't it? It is far easier to be less judgemental when you yourself do not wish to be judged. Well, on the surface, anyway. I know that I had to fall hard to get myself back up. And, I am willing to take whatever anyone has to throw at me. So, for me, and I suspect you as well, it is not a matter of deflecting judgement. It is a matter of saying, "I was wrong to be that way." The old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes really does hit home, doesn't it?
Thanks, Pen, for giving me lots to think about. I really needed this outlet.
Kitti, I feel bad for not responding to your post. I know how you are feeling. I just wanted you to know that I appreciated what you had to say. Process away. We're all friends here, so when you are ready to "talk," we'll all be here.
Seattle, I have tried, unsuccessfully, to respond to your questions 3 times now. I find myself digging way to deep into my background to try to explain things. I am going to give this one more go:
I said I didn't like myself. True. I didn't live up to my own expectations, and also (in my mind) the expectations of others. Instead of bettering myself, I just became bitter. It is easier, you know.
The OM WAS a symptom. It was something that felt like a movie to me. I was just letting it all happen around me. My heart was not in it, though he would tell you that it was. I was just acting out a role, trying to be the person that I wanted to be. I guess you could say I was trying it out on a fresh audience.
I talked about pre-conceived notions and how they limited me. So, you see, with the OM I could just be what I wanted. It was such a feeling of freedom to get rid of all of my "baggage." He only knew me as nice, funny, easy-going, etc. The more he told me that I was these things, the more I realized that I could be.
That is when it hit me, Seattle. About 5 months into that relationship I suddenly woke up to the fact that I could be that person all of the time, to everyone.
Now, it would have made perfect sense to have ended things with the OM, right? Yeah, but I didn't. I didn't know how. I didn't see a reason to. Like I said, it was all just a movie to me anyway. I was just waiting for the ending to happen for me.
That wasn't too long in coming. He e-mailed me, and it got into the wrong hands. Relationship over. In all honesty, I felt NOTHING. I just figured that I would go back to my own life.
Here's where the second realization hit. Suddenly my H took a stand. He looked at me with total disgust and said, "get out." Now, this will make NO SENSE to anyone, but I was sure that it would all blow over. I really and truly thought that he wouldn't care. I even was stupid enough to tell the OM that my H would be back playing sports with him in no time. I really thought it was all that easy!
What hurt the most was that my H very accurately pointed out that he thought things were better between us, and he pin-pointed it to the time that I decided to infuse the "new" me into every relationship. He was right, of course. However, he said he had no reason to believe it was for his benefit. I can say all I want that it was (really, it was!) but I know my actions spoke for me instead.
This may all sound very confusing. Well, it is. I am just trying to let you inside my mind at the time. I was not rational. I didn't think consequences. I didn't think I was hurting anyone. I loved my H, but I just didn't think that I would ever get what I needed and wanted from him.
What could have changed things? I know that facing up to losing him was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I wish that when things first went bad that he would have told me that's where we were headed. I really thought that we would just keep plodding along. I never thought of the possibility of divorce. It was just something I threw out there for attention. It was kind of a temperature check for me. If I said I wanted out, and he wanted me to stay, well, that was enough for me.
I said before that if I had thought myself financially secure, I would have left. I'm sure that makes no sense after reading what I just said. But, it's true. I just felt like I had to keep upping the ante. I would have cut off my own nose to spite my face, as they say. It would have been the biggest call for attention of all, but it would have been one that no one heard. How could they? It would have seemed I was doing (and getting) what I wanted. Really though, it would have been yet another thing that I did without thinking of the consequences.
Thinking is hard! I used to try to avoid it at all costs!
So, now that I sound like a total lunatic, I hope that this can help you in some way. Betsey was right when she said that an OP is not taken as a means to hurt your spouse. I don't think that anyone ever sets out to intentionally hurt anyone else. Once it's done though, sometimes it is just easier to slide away from it than to face it.
Let me please say that this is not me anymore! I know now that I have to go through the hard stuff to appreciate the good. I am not lazy anymore. I want to do the work. Hopefully it's not too late. If it is for me, though, I hope someone else can learn from my mistakes.
