Friends, Squatters and Lurkers--Life in a fishbowl

[Underdog]

Hey all,

Sounds like you guys are in a good Q&A session? I won't disturb you much here.

Seattle--the book in discussion is called Living with the Passive Aggressive Man, by Scott Wexler. GD1 and I have differing opinions on this subject. She likes it, I hate it.

I think the title should read, "Things you should know about passive aggressiveness" instead. It doesn't tell you HOW to live with the PA man--no coping strategies, no ways to help them overcome their fears or how to get to middle ground. It merely informs the reader what passive aggressiveness is and offers some convenient typing.

I personally think it's a huge waste of money. If you must read it, go to the library and ask them to special order it. What I know about passive aggressiveness has been mostly learned by 1) college level psychology courses and 2) living with men who exhibit the behaviors (my father and Mr. W.).

Randy, you said:

You can't imagine the pain of being the LBS.I think I know it well. A person can stand only so much rejection. It makes you feel you are worth nothing and will never be happy again. I was very bitter towards women after my first W and after 12 years I still don't like her at all.

This is what I was trying to address with you in your thread. I hope that maybe as a LBS and someone who could have been a WAW, I can help you overcome this perception--or at least to attempt to do so?

If I had been the WAW, I can promise you that the thing furthest from my mind would have been how Mr. Wonderful felt. I would have to be in INCREDIBLE emotional pain to feel there was no other way. Mr. Wonderful has confirmed that this statement is definitely true.

It really is not a rejection of the spouse as much as it is a coping mechanism. If your W has exhibited patterns of seeming to be happy for 10 years before picking up and moving on without warning, I'm going to take a venture to say that she refuses to address the conflict that brews under the surface.

How, then, is this a rejection of you? I realize full well that you perceive this to be the case. I understand it too. But if she doesn't give you or her 1st H a chance to work through things, it really isn't personal is it?

Her inabilities, inadequacies and character defects do NOT make you worthless or unlovable. I wonder how I could phrase my thoughts so you could see yourself as an entity that is not at all related to her?

If you could see yourself as a human man, one who loves and feels deeply, you would also be able to see that she is a separate entity. Neither of you requires the other to be happy. Therefore, neither of you has the capacity of making the other person unhappy.

Sure, triggers exist that anger us. But it is OUR responsibility to ask questions so that we understand the behaviors for what they are. It is OUR responsibility to process these things. It is OUR responsibility to identify deal breakers--behaviors that conflict with our core value system or are just plain annoying. It is OUR responsibility to encourage intimacy by sharing these things with our partner without projecting back.

If you never had a chance to get to bat, how do you know you're a shitty hitter? How could you get a batting average if you never stepped up to the plate to take a swing? Does that mean you have a 100% or a 0% batting average?

You have the power to make that differentiation, friend. Not her. Not anyone else but you.

I was almost the WAW... and I am sure that many of you would like to judge me for being here and taking issue with Mr. Wonderful for doing first what I considered for a long time. My only defense is that for the past 5 years, I was damn sick and tired of pretending there was nothing wrong. Of living in an emotionally sterile marriage. Of getting sex without intimacy. Of being told that the problems were in my head and ones I was creating out of boredom.

Even if some or all of them were true, I knew enough to know that I couldn't continue living that life any longer. It's why I don't judge Mr. W. for his choice. I wish he would have found a diplomatic solution first. But since he didn't, I just have to trust his feelings that this could not have played out with any success any other way.

Even if we go our separate ways, I have my dignity back. I know I wasn't crazy or immature for needing the things I was saying I needed all along. I know I wasn't unreasonable for wanting them in the context of being married. I wasn't happy being where we were. SOMETHING had to give.

I don't mean you should find sympathy for your W for walking out and breaking a promise. But if her pattern is such that she has not been able to change the rules of engagement for her own sake, I just don't see the rejection of you as the case--but one where she is rejecting her own happiness.

Just because she thinks she is happier running away doesn't mean that it's true. Where is there nobility and dignity in walking out? There isn't any. The shame is hers to bear, not yours.

While you probably have your own faults, you're a good and decent man. You have a lot to offer--and I think it would really help if you could see yourself through those glasses. You just need to cease any thoughts that allow you to play the victim.

I should know... I played that card myself for awhile. And guess what? It didn't work. I wasn't happier until I started reclaiming the life that was rightfully mine to begin with.

I hope this didn't hurt you, as it wasn't my intention. I just know that my worst enemy in tough times is me. My negative thought patterns bring me back to places that no longer serve a useful purpose. I think it would push you into the next stratosphere if you left it behind as well. This is luggage none of us should be carrying.

My two cents worth, of course.

Betsey