Hi KKitty...
I've started having dreams again too, must be summer solstice, ya think? Dreams are mostly for release and letting go of the worry, fear, abandonment, anxiety. I think of it as the brain getting so filled it up, it has to let things out while we sleep, while we can't hold onto them. So think of how much ROOM you've made in your brain lately!

I have no deep dark secrets to relive (at least none during the marriage and nothing I can REMEMBER (thank God for Halfheimers ) BUT along this vein, when I asked X to leave the first time , in l995, I remember while we were separated I 'made up' a guy who I almost, but not quite had 'feelings for'.....and I told my husband this because he had withhold the things my made up guy gave...for years, and i wanted X to know that I needed these things from him, and would probably find them elsewhere if he couldn't give them. But even that LITTLE act of a MAYBE person is something that my P/A X probably could never forgive. To him,it was my betrayal not about my telling him what I needed from him. And of course I now see that my using fiction to tell my guy what I needed from him was not particularly healthy communication on MY part. (I've read that living with a P/A partner often brings out similar coping skills in the 'party of the first part'.

And why I brought this up, dear Bets, is: how much of this has been told to Mr.W? Maybe this is something you need to think about, if you haven't already told him all. If PAs hold grudges forever and punish in kind...well, just a thought.

Thanks for the post...I call you when I'm headed to Denver just in case we can arrange a serendipitous meetup. You are probably busier than anyone I know at the mo, so instead of 'making plans' I just call when i'm in town on the off chance. Actually, when I called late, I was driving home, it was after 9 and cell was free! Just wanted to pick up the Slim4life stuff and let you know I found EAS 1 gram carb/protein drinks at the supermarket and have been having one for breakfast each day...100 cals and it seems to easily stop food cravings for a meal. I plan on having them in my car for trips to Denver too. Easy lunch.

Now for my true confession:
I used to feel bad EVER wishing anything bad on anyone. Then, I wished some badass on people who were hurting my loved ones. Finally, I have been wishing badass on OW, X and X's lawyer. At first I felt guilty, but lately, I just feel that the kind of badass I 'm wishing for is more KARMA WITH AN EDGE . I've decided to just not feel bad about it at all. It's there. X asked me (before he was X and while he was hiding affair with Dr. HO....don't you want me to have a nice house to live in (while he was depleting @ $500,000 of money into a house I had just built for him )and to be happy? Well, dickhead, NO,now that I think about it....NO. And lately, I am not going to justify my wishes...they are childish, but I am no saint. My latest dream was that I went by 'his' house and the HO and her family were all there talking about her upcoming wedding at the place where X and I had chosen to marry. And I was asked if I didnt' wish them well or something in the dream and found myself perplexed as to what to answer. I doubt I will ever be HAPPY for them. I'm sure a large part of that has to do with the idea that if he can be happy with her, then maybe it was ME after all. The worst thing about PA love partners (and I hope no one is offended by my labeling) after the withholding part...is that they seemingly are adept at getting us to doubt ourselves.

Healing is such a long term objective for us all , ain't it?

Well don't mind me, I have a trial on my birthday and I am doing anything to put off thinking about it so I am just feeling sorry for my lonely self and reading all this stuff about guilt and shame and thinking: lets all go back to kindergarten.
gd