Cathy--I think you sell yourself short? I have always LOVED writing, and it's in my genes. My grandmother does not have a college degree but she writes beautifully... so it's not that.
Thanks for the compliment!
I can't speak for the others, but I actually think in words. If I could speak to people via a keyboard around my neck, I would have plenty of time to think before I spoke? I type as I think. I always have, too.
I wouldn't call you a lurker. I consider lurkers those who are not registered here but read? What do you think, Pen? (See? She seemed to know all about us before she even wrote her first post here. I'm glad she did!)
Just so nobody has to speculate anymore, OM came out to Denver to visit twice... I'll leave the rest to your imaginations. Plus he lives a mile from my parents...
UGH!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, So how long are you going to beat yourself up for what you have done?
It is ok to forgive yourself even if Mr.Wonderful never does.
Once you have forgiven yourself you can release it.
Have you tried to make ammends for what you have done.From where I sit yes you have.And I believe you have gone far and beyond what is required.
While you can't change the past you can resolve to not make the same mistakes agian.
Girl your on the right track even if Mr.Wonderful is on a different train.Someday he might just jump on board.
Whatever your past it does not define you.
You are not your actions.
I think that you are doing a wonderful job trying to fix the things you have done.
And you know I wouldn't say these just things to make you feel better.Since this board isn't about making someone feel better but to learn from our mistakes and sometimes that does not feel so damn good.
Examining ones heart is sometimes going to be the hardest and dirtiest thing your going to do.
What your wanting the OM to feel is the same pain your feeling.Yes it does feel like he is getting of scott free but is he really?
Your such a wonderful person now and you have come sucha long way.
Your more than you used to be and you continue to grow.
Just when you think you may have gotten it something else pops up for you to catch.
I'm sorry your having a hard time.
Maybe it is time for you to look out for yourself for a while.
In time you will be happy.
Since nothing is forever this won't be your life forever.
I respect you for you willingness to learn from your mistakes and for trying to make up for them.
Wouldn't it be great if my H and others WA's would do the same.
Your a wonderful person and dont' you forget it.
Later Friend. Love, Briget
P.S. Pamela I'm so glad to see you post.I sure have missed you.I hope you plan on comeing around more.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Thanks so much for your kindness here. I'm going to forgive myself. I guess I was just surprised that I hadn't done it--must have left a loophole that didn't get addressed.
I was sort of surprised that there was some residual rage left inside of me. Now that I know, I can process and get to work finishing forgiving myself for being an emotionally and physically starved person.
I need to work on this before I write him back, which I will do--and as always, I will be gracious and mean it.
Until then, I'm going to stay away from it and get busy building an ark. This rain is too much! We need is desperately, and I'm not REALLY complaining....
Pam, I didn't mean to take away from your very eloquent first post. It resonated with me a whole lot. I have a feeling it will with lots of others.
Okay, it's about time to close shop and head for the hills.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Cathy - thanks for the compliment! No, I'm not a writer, but a physician. English isn't my first language, even though I can converse in it easily, and what comes accross as good style may be nothing more than the hapless linguistic ceremoniousness of someone bereft of everyday phrases. *smile* But thank you, just the same. I agree Betsey and Pamela write beautifully. And yep, as an ex-lurker I'd say that they are people who read avidly, but haven't registered.
Betsey - what happened, happened, and noone can say that you haven't paid the full price, and then some. As difficult as it may seem, it was probably necessary to help you mature into the wonderful person you are today. You had to realize the source of your unhappiness was internal, not external - and the amazing thing is you did realize it. You didn't spend the rest of your life chasing after elusive butterflies of imaginary bliss, but instead talked the talk, walked the walk, did the work and are still growing everyday.
ok, i must come out of my own "lurkdom" to comment on this thread
first, pen, i have to give you mega kudo's for coming out and sharing with us your story - i can see thru all the subsequent posts that it has been most appreciated - i don't share the exact SAME story as you, but i have been a walkaway (thank god with someone that didn't have a partner) so i can truly understand things you are saying about your partner
pam - like you, i have had to really self examine on so many points recently because of the way things played out and my reactions to said points - it is a never ending learning process that is for sure
triplej - my guy pal - earlier i read in your thread on the whole "don't wanna be a part of the family" thing - and the responses pen made - and guy, i really understand the whole catch 22 thing your in...{{{tj}}}
betsey - i am so impressed with your candidness on the board - it is only by being truly honest with ourselves that we can ever really heal
THAT BEING SAID
people, i may not be on the board much posting anymore, but i have to let you know that i am on here almost daily keeping up because i am still dealing with things on a daily basis. i am still trying to make myself a better person and thru all of your posts i am able to do that
all this "honesty" on the board as of late has really been heavy on my mind, and it has really taken a toll on me and my life
recently i have been recurring "dreams" of a period of time not so long ago when i absolutely KNEW something was going on with my husband and ow but couldn't prove it no matter how much i tried.
over the past few weeks, these dreams have become more and more vivid - and i seriously don't know how to handle them. i know that it's my subconscience telling me to handle certain things, but honestly and frankly i have no idea how. it has affected me in ways that are almost as devestating as "bomb" era - even tho i continue to see mega improvements in my marriage - i have this area of my life hanging over my head
as i sit here and write these things, i am not even sure i am ready to share these things with you. it continues to plague me to this day that this part of my life i had not yet shared with you, almost one year later of joining the board
i share betsey's feeling of SHAME - that is my 'limiting step' as brian tracy so eloquently puts it. the shame of this particular area of my life is so overwhelming that it is causing me sleepless nights and my reluctance in posting about it here
don't get me wrong, i feel 'comfortable' with all of you here, you have been a constant sense of encouragement over the months - it's just that i don't know if i am ready
but i am on my way - just bear with me - another in the long list of things i have to work on in my life
but i had to let each and every one of you know that i appreciate the candor, the honesty, the frankness of your posts, that have enabled me to get even THIS far in my journey
i will be posting again - i promise you, just give me time
I type as I think. I always have, too. 
Betsey 
