I've missed you--and Meredith!!! I'm so glad you took the time to identify what you were feeling and put it out here. It sounds like you are making peace with all these feelings and labels (or breaking free of them, as the case may be).
Mer, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! For some reason, I thought it was earlier last week? I'm so glad I'm wrong!
Now I'll warn you I'm mulling over lots of feelings myself. Please, no whacks! They are just processing feelings and I am doing my best to forgive myself and let go of this. I just had no idea that there was still stuff left here to work on.
My last post I mentioned I received an e/m from OM this morning. I've been trying to figure out why seeing his name on my e/m bothered me so much--and with a little chat with Triple J (thanks), I realize I still have shame here.
Well, I gave OM the permission to tell me whatever he felt he needed to share with me. While I'm happy to say that he's engaged to be married (aha! my psychic energy is still pretty accurate), I was feeling a little miffed.
He thanked me for being such a positive influence on his life and especially for my encouragement in the area of forgiving his mother. I don't know if I mentioned it, but OM and Mr. Wonderful share much in common, except that Mr. Wonderful doesn't make plays for married women...
All in all, it was a nice message. But for some reason I was angry. I figured out that I'm angry he's happy while I'm here fighting for my M. I'm angry because his sister (who was a really good friend of mine) told him a thousand times that his pursuit of me was not cool and she guessed why I might be receptive to his friendship in that manner. I'm angry because everyone he knew told him that his plays for me were inappropriate and he did it anyway.
And I'm really and truly angry at myself for not being stronger.
It appears that there are little to no consequences for his choices in his life, but I'm paying dearly for mine.
Why is it that some people escape experiences unscathed and the rest of us are left to bear the battle wounds for many?
It just pisses me off.
So when do I get a reward for doing the right thing? I wish I was kidding, but I don't think I am. Part of me wants to write him back and say,
"Dear OM,
You're welcome for being so doggone smart in figuring out why your life sucked! Too bad you dragged me down with you. Now you go on your merry way with Ms. Right and I'm left to fight the good fight. Well F*CK YOU!
Love, Betsey"
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
