Well, Pen. You certainly have done it now! You did to me what I have been (unsuccessfully) doing to others. You made me think. You made me think hard and long. You made me think very uncomfortable thoughts. Thank you. I suppose I could choose to run from it al, but I decided that I really do need to get all of this stuff off of me once and for all.
First of all, I have made it a point to never say what I would do in a certain situation. I can think all the valiant thoughts I want, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t really know what I will do in a sitch until I am faced with it. I will even go so far to say that it annoys the hell out of me when people try to tell me what they would do if they were me. Face it, no one knows until it happens.
So, I totally understand where you are coming from. We are long past the point of right or wrong. I understand your guilt- but really, where is that guilt going to get you? You could end your current relationship based on that guilt, but for what? What purpose would it serve other than to create a lot more hurt? I say this not for your benefit, but really for all of those reading that do not understand any of this.
Your H’s first relationship ended because he chose for it to. No one will probably ever truly understand the reasons, maybe not even him. We will also never know if that relationship could have been saved. Since it wasn’t, it is easy to sit and assign blame and say that it could. The issue here is that he felt that it couldn’t. Again, this is not really for your benefit. I think that deep down you know and understand all of this. It is certainly hard to say it though, isn’t it? I mean, it really does feel as though it comes off as self- serving. I know that feeling; I know it quite well.
Triple J., I may be able to help you and some of the others that had questions out there. It was when I read all of the feedback that I really began to think. I have been throwing all of this around in my brain over and over.
For me to have done this, it wasn’t a case of “the grass is greener.” Plainly and simply, I just didn’t like myself. So, I chose to just reinvent who I was. Why didn’t I just fix my current relationship? Well, quite honestly, I felt as if I couldn’t. I felt pinned down and defined by it. I felt that I could never escape my own past.
In thinking this over the last 2 days, I have come to realize something very important. I can see that I was living based on everyone’s perceptions of me. It all began with some simple stereotyping in my childhood. I can remember vividly being told what I could and couldn’t do based on who I “was.” Example: “Try out for cheerleading? No! You’re the clumsy one.” or “Your sister is the pretty one, you’re the smart one.”
Maybe that sounds mean. I don’t think it was intended that way though. Regardless, who cares now? I see it, and I understand what it did to me. And, I will never let that stuff bind me again.
Anyway, I admit to everything I did wrong in my marriage. I can honestly say that I just didn’t know better. This refers to the yelling and tantrums and withholding of love and every other thing that I did. Eventually, it wore my H down completely. I wish so much that he could have told me what I was doing to him, but he didn’t. He just kept coming back to it. I honestly didn’t know how destructive I was. He never let on.
Sorry, but I don’t have time to go back to see who wrote about spouses not knowing what the other wants because the words were never said. And, they weren’t necessarily said to the OP either. However, what was UNWANTED came through loud and clear.
Wow. That gave me a lot to think about. It makes me really uncomfortable too. But, it is something that I need to think about. So, thank you for that.
Anyway, one day I just decided that I wanted to be different. So, I was. I stopped yelling and I stopped the tantrums. I went back to school and I worked to fix all of the things that I didn’t like about myself.
This should have been the solution. It wasn’t though, because I was sure that I was bound to my past. I didn’t think that any changes could be accepted and trusted. I just kept hearing my head, “you’re the emotional one! You’re the one who blows up over every little thing.”
This, folks, was my own perception. I jumped right into something else because I thought that I had to start fresh. I thought that I couldn’t undo all of my own damage. Suddenly I had someone in front of me that only knew me as the person that I wanted to be. I didn’t have to live by that past anymore. I effectively erased it all.
Well, unfortunately, I didn’t want to erase my past! I came to find that my life would be just great with my own changes. My kids, my H, my job…those things weren’t making me unhappy. I was! But, by that point it was too late. The damage was done to my marriage.
So, you see, sometimes people just want to be someone else, and they think that they have to start over in order to do so. I guess I am just offering this up as another thing to think about. This is where the validation comes in. You need to let go of your past marriage and accept that you can build a new and better one. If you get bogged down in the past you can never accomplish this.
I know that had I had more security, I would have left my marriage. It was NEVER what I wanted, but more like what I felt I had to do for some reason. I can see how this would be much easier for a man, and why they do it.
Pen, thanks for giving me things to think about. I hate it but love it at the same time. This is the type of stuff I hoped for with the BB. I like the resounding thud of my stomach once again hitting the ground as I realize yet another unsavory truth about myself. Why? It means I’m growing. Oh, I didn’t really intend to do it in front of hundreds of strangers, but, here it is.
If this one perspective can give someone else something to think about, well, it needs to be put out here.
By the way, I saw a few people asking where I was on this and various other threads. Thanks for that. In all honesty, the last big exchange (you all know the one!) took its toll on me. I need to figure out why that is. I know this much about myself: the things I see and hate in others are more often than not the things I hate about myself. This has been a tricky situation. I can’t understand it. Unfortunately, I don’t have the opportunity because it was never really worked out. The whole process made me just plain weary and very hesitant to jump in anywhere. Well, except here. After all, it is my safe place to come. And, visitors know that Betsey is not the only resident!
Hey Betsey, I miss you! Mer’s b-day was yesterday, by the way. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY (again) MY WONDERFUL FRIEND!)
