We had last left off with Pen allowing posters to pose questions to her regarding the OW/OM status. I'm glad for her input, so anyone else who falls in the category of Friend, Squatter or Lurker, feel free to contribute.
On the heels of that thought, I received an e-mail today from OM. It has been a year and a half since our last contact, and I was very nervous to see his name on my screen. I'm just hoping he's wanting to tell me he's getting married or something along those lines. My first thought was anger: I was a little miffed because I have not put out any karma out there to tell him to communicate with me...
I had a call from Mr. Wonderful bright and early this morning to say hello and remind me that today is the longest day of the year and that his purported "depression" will be sinking in tomorrow! He's always joked that he begins to get depressed on June 22, when the days get shorter. He seemed surprised that I remember this quirk about him? Hmmmm. I'm not at all forgetful. Must be HIS issue!
You wouldn't be able to tell that today has the most hours of sunlight here. We've been having some terrific thunderstorms and lots of rain for the past week. Today is no different. I'm bundled up like it's winter...
Nothing else to report in my neck of the woods. I'm handing the podium over to anyone else who wants to take the stage.
Happy Summer Solstice!!!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well, Pen. You certainly have done it now! You did to me what I have been (unsuccessfully) doing to others. You made me think. You made me think hard and long. You made me think very uncomfortable thoughts. Thank you. I suppose I could choose to run from it al, but I decided that I really do need to get all of this stuff off of me once and for all.
First of all, I have made it a point to never say what I would do in a certain situation. I can think all the valiant thoughts I want, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t really know what I will do in a sitch until I am faced with it. I will even go so far to say that it annoys the hell out of me when people try to tell me what they would do if they were me. Face it, no one knows until it happens.
So, I totally understand where you are coming from. We are long past the point of right or wrong. I understand your guilt- but really, where is that guilt going to get you? You could end your current relationship based on that guilt, but for what? What purpose would it serve other than to create a lot more hurt? I say this not for your benefit, but really for all of those reading that do not understand any of this.
Your H’s first relationship ended because he chose for it to. No one will probably ever truly understand the reasons, maybe not even him. We will also never know if that relationship could have been saved. Since it wasn’t, it is easy to sit and assign blame and say that it could. The issue here is that he felt that it couldn’t. Again, this is not really for your benefit. I think that deep down you know and understand all of this. It is certainly hard to say it though, isn’t it? I mean, it really does feel as though it comes off as self- serving. I know that feeling; I know it quite well.
Triple J., I may be able to help you and some of the others that had questions out there. It was when I read all of the feedback that I really began to think. I have been throwing all of this around in my brain over and over.
For me to have done this, it wasn’t a case of “the grass is greener.” Plainly and simply, I just didn’t like myself. So, I chose to just reinvent who I was. Why didn’t I just fix my current relationship? Well, quite honestly, I felt as if I couldn’t. I felt pinned down and defined by it. I felt that I could never escape my own past.
In thinking this over the last 2 days, I have come to realize something very important. I can see that I was living based on everyone’s perceptions of me. It all began with some simple stereotyping in my childhood. I can remember vividly being told what I could and couldn’t do based on who I “was.” Example: “Try out for cheerleading? No! You’re the clumsy one.” or “Your sister is the pretty one, you’re the smart one.”
Maybe that sounds mean. I don’t think it was intended that way though. Regardless, who cares now? I see it, and I understand what it did to me. And, I will never let that stuff bind me again.
Anyway, I admit to everything I did wrong in my marriage. I can honestly say that I just didn’t know better. This refers to the yelling and tantrums and withholding of love and every other thing that I did. Eventually, it wore my H down completely. I wish so much that he could have told me what I was doing to him, but he didn’t. He just kept coming back to it. I honestly didn’t know how destructive I was. He never let on.
Sorry, but I don’t have time to go back to see who wrote about spouses not knowing what the other wants because the words were never said. And, they weren’t necessarily said to the OP either. However, what was UNWANTED came through loud and clear.
Wow. That gave me a lot to think about. It makes me really uncomfortable too. But, it is something that I need to think about. So, thank you for that.
Anyway, one day I just decided that I wanted to be different. So, I was. I stopped yelling and I stopped the tantrums. I went back to school and I worked to fix all of the things that I didn’t like about myself.
This should have been the solution. It wasn’t though, because I was sure that I was bound to my past. I didn’t think that any changes could be accepted and trusted. I just kept hearing my head, “you’re the emotional one! You’re the one who blows up over every little thing.”
This, folks, was my own perception. I jumped right into something else because I thought that I had to start fresh. I thought that I couldn’t undo all of my own damage. Suddenly I had someone in front of me that only knew me as the person that I wanted to be. I didn’t have to live by that past anymore. I effectively erased it all.
Well, unfortunately, I didn’t want to erase my past! I came to find that my life would be just great with my own changes. My kids, my H, my job…those things weren’t making me unhappy. I was! But, by that point it was too late. The damage was done to my marriage.
So, you see, sometimes people just want to be someone else, and they think that they have to start over in order to do so. I guess I am just offering this up as another thing to think about. This is where the validation comes in. You need to let go of your past marriage and accept that you can build a new and better one. If you get bogged down in the past you can never accomplish this.
I know that had I had more security, I would have left my marriage. It was NEVER what I wanted, but more like what I felt I had to do for some reason. I can see how this would be much easier for a man, and why they do it.
Pen, thanks for giving me things to think about. I hate it but love it at the same time. This is the type of stuff I hoped for with the BB. I like the resounding thud of my stomach once again hitting the ground as I realize yet another unsavory truth about myself. Why? It means I’m growing. Oh, I didn’t really intend to do it in front of hundreds of strangers, but, here it is.
If this one perspective can give someone else something to think about, well, it needs to be put out here.
By the way, I saw a few people asking where I was on this and various other threads. Thanks for that. In all honesty, the last big exchange (you all know the one!) took its toll on me. I need to figure out why that is. I know this much about myself: the things I see and hate in others are more often than not the things I hate about myself. This has been a tricky situation. I can’t understand it. Unfortunately, I don’t have the opportunity because it was never really worked out. The whole process made me just plain weary and very hesitant to jump in anywhere. Well, except here. After all, it is my safe place to come. And, visitors know that Betsey is not the only resident!
Hey Betsey, I miss you! Mer’s b-day was yesterday, by the way. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY (again) MY WONDERFUL FRIEND!)
I've missed you--and Meredith!!! I'm so glad you took the time to identify what you were feeling and put it out here. It sounds like you are making peace with all these feelings and labels (or breaking free of them, as the case may be).
Mer, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! For some reason, I thought it was earlier last week? I'm so glad I'm wrong!
Now I'll warn you I'm mulling over lots of feelings myself. Please, no whacks! They are just processing feelings and I am doing my best to forgive myself and let go of this. I just had no idea that there was still stuff left here to work on.
My last post I mentioned I received an e/m from OM this morning. I've been trying to figure out why seeing his name on my e/m bothered me so much--and with a little chat with Triple J (thanks), I realize I still have shame here.
Well, I gave OM the permission to tell me whatever he felt he needed to share with me. While I'm happy to say that he's engaged to be married (aha! my psychic energy is still pretty accurate), I was feeling a little miffed.
He thanked me for being such a positive influence on his life and especially for my encouragement in the area of forgiving his mother. I don't know if I mentioned it, but OM and Mr. Wonderful share much in common, except that Mr. Wonderful doesn't make plays for married women...
All in all, it was a nice message. But for some reason I was angry. I figured out that I'm angry he's happy while I'm here fighting for my M. I'm angry because his sister (who was a really good friend of mine) told him a thousand times that his pursuit of me was not cool and she guessed why I might be receptive to his friendship in that manner. I'm angry because everyone he knew told him that his plays for me were inappropriate and he did it anyway.
And I'm really and truly angry at myself for not being stronger.
It appears that there are little to no consequences for his choices in his life, but I'm paying dearly for mine.
Why is it that some people escape experiences unscathed and the rest of us are left to bear the battle wounds for many?
It just pisses me off.
So when do I get a reward for doing the right thing? I wish I was kidding, but I don't think I am. Part of me wants to write him back and say,
"Dear OM,
You're welcome for being so doggone smart in figuring out why your life sucked! Too bad you dragged me down with you. Now you go on your merry way with Ms. Right and I'm left to fight the good fight. Well F*CK YOU!
Love, Betsey"
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
No whacks here - I think your feelings are completely understandable at the moment. But there are a few things to mention, which I am sure you already know, and better than I do!
- Life is not 'fair,' it simply is what it is
Quote: It appears that there are little to no consequences for his choices in his life, but I'm paying dearly for mine.
- Back to the person who reminded me that I am not the one to dole out the consequences, I ask you: would you actually prefer or be happier if he was miserable and suffering great consequences? Would it make your fight easier if you knew he was fighting a similar battle?
Quote: And I'm really and truly angry at myself for not being stronger.
And I sure wish I knew then what I know now . . . Also, I read a lot about the OP being the symptom, not the problem . . . If not him, perhaps the problem would have manifested in some other way?
Nothing too profound, but just a slightly different perspective. Don't be so hard on yourself, Betsey!
My Goodness, Betsey! You’re human! So feel what you need to feel, and move on. I often look at couples and wonder why they are happy while my H and I can’t seem to get it right. I look at women that have gained a zillion pounds after the wedding, and I wonder “why does her H love her, and mine lost it for me?” Am I proud of those feelings? Nope. But, I still feel them. Ya see, Betsey, being honest about them is about all you can do. And, it is certainly a lot more than most people do…..
p.s. I really think that most of the anger is really the stuff about not being stronger. Maybe you should write yourself a letter... "Hey Betsey, ya dumb MFer.... quit beating yourself up. The past is what it is, and it made you what you are today. And that is a pretty incredible thing...."
(the bad word is just there for effect. I don't really think you're a MFer....)
H2H--Well, since I'm feeling completely childish and petty, I am going to really let this person completely out so she can get on with the healing...
Quote: I ask you: would you actually prefer or be happier if he was miserable and suffering great consequences? Would it make your fight easier if you knew he was fighting a similar battle?
Well, at the moment, yeah, it WOULD make me feel better! He actually described all the wonderful things that have happened in his journey since we lost contact. It pissed me off! I wish I could write back about all the pitfalls I've encountered.
Truly, I wish he didn't even contact me. But I guess the truth of it is that I discovered quite by accident that I have not healed here. It's time.
And Triple J is right about something. I AM hurt. OM was a childhood friend. I lost that friend. I know he wishes me well, and in my heart, I wish him the same. But I want some love too! I want Mr. Wonderful to make a decision. Because I want to have a R with a man. Wahhhhhhh, wahhhhhh, this is the Betsey pity party. I'm not issuing invitations, so stay away!
Pam, I laughed hard at the letter to myself. I AM a MFer!!! And I'm having a selfish and self-absorbed moment just like you described. Here he is living the life of Reilly and I'm fighting for Mr. Wonderful. Jeez, Louise, macaroni and cheese, he BETTER be worth the fight!
The bottom truth is that I wouldn't have made progress on these fronts without those lessons. I know that I've learned quite a bit about myself because of my A with him. This is all good in the grand scheme. I know it and I realize exactly what I need to do to get where I want to be.
I just need to vent this stuff so I can heal. Guess it means more work in my camp.
I'm going to get busy with that. I swear. *Grumble and sigh.* I'm going. Now.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
*peaks out from behind a rock in the fishbowl for a minute to say hi*
Pam, wonderful you're back, great post, and I wish I could say more, but I can't - if you saw the weeds that have conspired to run off with my driveway you'd understand. More later.
Betsey, what is it again exactly what you did? Talked to a guy longer and more intensely than you should have, because you were unhappy with yourself and your marriage? Geez girl, get to the back of the line. I mean way, way, WAY back. Right there seems about right, next to Mother Theresa. I mean, some of us here (like me) have actually done something wrong!!!
No, I'm not making light of your feelings - just trying to make you laugh. But forgiveness starts with forgiving yourself, and once you've really, really done that, you'll have no prob with forgiving OM for first being a jerk, and now being happy.
Of course, if Mr W got off his b-u-t-t it would probably help ..... *smile*
I would like to give you all a compliment, your writing styles are amazing and so readable.
I'm wondering if any of you would mind sharing how you learned to write to so well? ARE any of you writers? PamelaC, Pen, Betsey..does it come with a higher education? Do you just type it as you think or do you journal and than post?
Your points all come across beatifully and quite frankly I am intimated as I cannot write my way out of a bag. I've been meaning to post on my thread all day except I can't get my thoughts together enough to write anything.
I love to come here and lurk, there is so much good stuff here!!!
I'm off to take S to t-ball, my H swears he'll make the big leagues!!!
My first thought was anger: I was a little miffed because I have not put out any karma out there to tell him to communicate with me...
Betsey 
Betsey