I sympathize with you...but I know that doesn't help how you are feeling right now. Perhaps it was just one of those weekends....I was promised three separate times that we were going to ML...but it never materialized. I brought that up to my LDH last night (finally), to which he told me we were both too tired this weekend every time he thought of it. I replied "I'm never too tired for that, but the last thing I want is mercy sex out of obligation." I didn't get angry and he didn't get upset with me saying that...I was merely stating a fact. But my emotions were definitely getting the best of me this weekend...there just seems to be something pathetic about sitting in your bubble bath by yourself...crying. Ok, enough of that now...I'm off of my pity party. HP...anytime you need support...I'm going through the same thing you are (minus the pregnancy )
Quote: I brought that up to my LDH last night (finally), to which he told me we were both too tired this weekend every time he thought of it.
Don’t you hate it when that happens? My W has told me the same thing many times, and it irritated me every single one of them. I might buy it if she said that SHE was too tired, but she usually either tells me that WE’RE too tired, or even worse, that I’M too tired. I’m with you: I'm never too tired for that.
Now that I have that off of my chest – I’m sorry about your weekend. Promising you three times and not following through on any of them is reason to be sitting in your bubble bath by yourself and crying. (((((GEL)))))
Thanks WB...I'm trying to not stay on my pity part though...it never helps the situation. I am proud of myself for telling him I didn't want mercy sex. The short conversation we had wasn't threatening...and for once he did allow me to give me a massage. He'd been working very hard outside all day...I knew his back had to hurt...and I've offered countless times to give him a massage (I've never been licensed, but I could do that professionally...I've been instructed)...he's never taken me up on my offer before...until last night, I'm not sure why. Then even he admitted he's been an idiot for not taking me up on it before LOL. So the evening did at least end on a slightly better note...not quite the note I'd hoped for...but a better one.
((((((((((( HP))))))))))) OMG... I can relate so much to your post, especially about mourning the loss of your H's desire. Over the weekend I had friends of ours over, married for about 5 yrs and now with 2 small children, and even H had to comment how they have changed as a couple. H is forever saying to me how I must be having a MLC, but is it so wrong to want to recapture desire? ( You don't need to validate here).
The other day we were in bed taking a rest and I asked him to put some lotion on me. Well he did, but he put it on one arm. It was so pathetic that I just had to laugh. J---who prefers laughing to crying
Well I finally got a life and started posting over here. If poor Superdave wasn't recovering, he'd bust my chops for that lil stunt.
NOP, I got your excellent message. Points well taken. The first one: I do not nag him. About anything, so that is not an issue for us. I am appreciative of what he does and how hard he works for us. I tell him that verbally and I am currently teaching my kids to do the same.
The second one: The schedule. You know, I think to some degree he has already done this, hence the reason we have sex so often when he really has much less desire than what I would have guessed even a couple months ago. (before I stupidly started asking questions!) The problem seems to be partially seasonal, I am guessing. Meaning, it stays out later so I am having a harder time getting kids to bed at eight; it is closer to 9:00. His bedtime is nine and so that leaves NO time for him to think about sex, or entertain it as a possibility. Add in the fact that it is summer and hotter-n-hell and I sometimes want a shower before bed and you are talking about a further delay before I can join him between the sheets. It's almost as if in his mind, having sex at 9:00 is great and he will schedule me in as much as I want. But if the clock says 9:30 he is up in arms about lack of sleep and chronically watching the clock. He can't relax enough at that point to enjoy sex or even want it; he is too concerned with what time it is. I wish I was joking about this but I am not. A half hour difference (at a relatively early hour to boot) makes everything sour for him.
Last night as things were heating up he said to me, Something's gotta GIVE!
And I thought, Yeah like getting up an hour early every morning so you can go to church. He will not give that up and yet he wants me to accept the fact that I am what he gives up instead?
I didn't say anything because that is his choice to make, not mine. If I tell him where to make changes, he will inevitably resent me down the road.
As far as meeting him halfway, no I actually have no problem with that. I am a very flexible person, despite how I might sound on the bb, but I have to admit that I am having a dreadful time seeing the forest for the trees since I am so close to it. That's why I have enlisted your kind help.
Here is an example: Last night he said that he showed me desire because he gave me "two pecks" before we put the kiddos to bed. I pressed and said, Were you feeling horny when you did it because I know you love me...what I am after is a clear sign that you want me. He went off on a tangent about how deeply he loves me, etc, and I had to re-steer him back once again to the topic at hand, or NOT in my hand as the case may be. He finally answered, "I don't know..I guess it was desire. I just know that I wanted to kiss you and show you how much I love you." aaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggghhhhhh. Love, schmove! I want some freakin desire!
Seriously where is a halfway point here? When we are doing foreplay and he is not speaking to me, kissing me, etc, but IS stroking me--is that halfway? Or do I insist on some form of further participation on his part and, if so, how much? ANYTHING more than what I just described is "demanding" according to him (told me this last night).
He will not engage in sexual thoughts, words or behavior as long as our kids are awake or around, so how do I work towards a middle ground with that one? I am feeling so hopeless today and you folks know that is not like me!
Plus, NOP, there is the issue of a shy and demure man just not doing it for me. It pits me in an unnatural feeling position of simultaneously not feeling "womanly" and viewing him as less than manly. I know these are stupid and pointless stereotypes and yet we all have them and operate from them.
I am really rambling today and I apologize. I am emotional and not holding on to myself very well at the moment.
Tonight I am going out with my sisters and that will cheer me up.
P.S. SuperDave, can you ever forgive me for the lengthy hijack??
HP said: ------------ Seriously where is a halfway point here? When we are doing foreplay and he is not speaking to me, kissing me, etc, but IS stroking me--is that halfway? Or do I insist on some form of further participation on his part and, if so, how much? ANYTHING more than what I just described is "demanding" according to him (told me this last night). ------------
It really is halfway. Think about this way. If he does it often enough (makes love, even if it is somewhat lackluster), then the feelings and emotional connection will become habit. That habit will give you a new reference point to work from.
Set an achievable goal, let it sink in and become a part of your relationship, then move the pointer a bit.
Also consider that like someone else pointed out, you are very pregnant, and you well know that emotions can be a bit stronger toward the end. I am not saying you are being unreasonable, but that hubby may very well be taking your requests less seriously right now.
So, I suggest you request a bit more attention from hubby, and let it ride for a while. He may not be riding up on a white horse to meet your needs, and he is probably selfish, but he is certainly not a lost cause. Enjoy the good parts right now, ignore the bad parts and let him get used to what he is doing. He sounds like a good guy to me. I think he will eventually, and I mean sooner rather than later, learn to meet your needs in an acceptable way.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It pits me in an unnatural feeling position of simultaneously not feeling "womanly" and viewing him as less than manly.
That's one of the best answers to "why do you like to ML?" I need to add this to my list. Wow...if my W ever asks me to defend my desire to ML so much, I'm going to use that one because it's very true. Might not be a "differentiated" concept but it sounds good nonetheless. Of course, I won't tell my W that it makes me feel womanly. Then she'd think we had some real problems .
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I think that is what I am trying to do now is to move the pointer. We have been on course with the frequency thing for nearly two years (it will be two yrs next month). I am trying to decide if the desire thing is worth the struggle that it will take. When Tim said it may take years, I knew that he was speaking the truth. I do not know if I have the patience or energy to keep at it. Trust me, he is well used to the 'new' us and has now chosen to dig in his heels about being passionate.
However, you are right when you say that the third trimester of a pregnancy is a really stupid time to try to kick his heels out of that beloved hole.
I am also feeling a bit needy lately. The fatter I get the more I could use some reassurance from him. Not that I have to have it, but boy it would be nice. I still get looks from other men so I know that I am not a total sexless blob but really who cares...I want it from H. I know intellectually that he is not turned on by the pregnant form, but I still want him to find me attractive. Just because he won't deliver something doesn't mean that my need for it goes away.
Oh well, soon the baby will be here and sex will be out of the question and we'll both be too tired to care for a good 2 months or so. Then I get to start all this sh*t up again.
I could really use a drink right now. It will be a while on that front, though, between pg and BF'ing. (breastfeeding, HairDog, you IDIOT! )
HoneyP said: ------------ am also feeling a bit needy lately. The fatter I get the more I could use some reassurance from him. ------------
I understand. When my wife was pregnant, she spent the majority of her home time, naked. She lost almost all of her inhibitions. It was a very fun time for me. We only had one child, although we tried for more. I think all pregnant women are beautiful. I have no doubt that you are. I bet your hubby, whether or not he will admit it, pauses occasionally and thinks about how lucky he is.
Hang in there! -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
)
