I am really struggling to hold onto myself today. I feel so bored with my love life and so tired of it being a struggle.
I just want it to be a little easier (I have enough stress in my life with D4, D2 and baby on way to also worry about keeping things on track).
H has regressed to a point of wanting sex every 5 days or so, and only then because I push the issue HARD. He said last night that he is fine with the pregnancy but the changes in my body are making it hard for him to be turned on by me, in waking hours. Sigh.
Here are a bunch of fused and whiny ramblings: 1. I am grieving the loss of having a man to want me. I have a man who will have sex with me (even lots of it, at times) but I am not married to a man who will ever lust after me, or make me feel like a WOMAN.
2. My sexual style does not mesh with his. He does not respond to my more subtle ways of turning him on (such as standing before him naked and applying lotion)..I have to say out loud, Would you like to ML? before he gets the frigging hint.
3. He talks a good game but that's where it ends--talk. He has never been willing, in all the time we've been trying to resolve things, to turn a fantasy into reality. He has gone so far to make plans--even setting the date--but will not follow through. Things like, I will ask you to wear a skirt sometime this week. Then he never does. These are not "out there" things, they are pretty tame. Still, he can't bring himself to do it.
4. If given the choice between sleep and sex, he will choose sleep every time, unless he thinks that I will be mad. He would agree with this, btw.
5. His desire originates in his body and has nothing to do with me. I do not inspire it, I cannot create it. He turns to me for release of it, and in turn feels desire for ME while ML, but there is no spark of this unless he is already horny. This is a helpless feeling for me, as a woman.
In short, today I am feeling really disappointed with how my R has turned out. I have no tolerance and I'm sure I am hormonal to boot.
Maybe after I have some coffee I will feel more energized about things again.
One positive thing is that while we were talking last night, I did an excellent job of holding onto myself and felt very loving and connected to him, even as I was simultaneously po'd at his choice of an ending for the long weekend and disappointed in him as a lover. Even today, I do not feel angry at him, just TIRED.
