Quote: So, Tim, I don't know what the magic bullet was, other than being willing to do a lot of things that I found uncomfortable, while my wife did a lot of things that she found uncomfortable...
Well, NOP, that is pretty much PM in a nutshell. I was going to say it sounds to me like you and your W pretty much did the PM thing without really knowing what to call it. I'm looking forward to as many details as you care to post, because I think they may just be very inspiring to a lot of folks here.
SBH, I'm glad you got scared enough by the possibilities to take action early - I sure wish I had known, 20 years ago, just how long sh!t like this can last - but only if I could ALSO have known how to make it better. Our 25th anniversary is tomorrow, and while I still can't make any guarantees that we'll have a 30th, I'm a lot more optimistic and hopeful about it than I was a few months ago. And by posting that last sentence, you helped more people than you know... that would be a great one to make a sticky (stay at the top of the list)...
(Sorry ladies for the way this sounds arrogant, but I can get laid whenever I want to WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. I have a lot of experience at being seductive.)
Don't worry...doesn't sound a bit arrogant to me, I have a feeling there are many of us out there who (if we wanted to) could absolutely do the same thing. I know I have had many serious offers, as I'm sure others have as well. I know some people also take advantage of those offers, I however cannot do that. For me that would completely devalue my marriage, so what's the point in doing it. I would only feel guilty...sure it may temporarily quell certain feelings and desires, but the feelings of guilt that would eventually come along are certainly not worth it for me.
I'm still a newbie around here, but this site has been so helpful to me
Can you have a successful marriage with someone that is NOT your lover? I think that is a question that most of us HD's have to ask ourselves and answer. Is there any point to a marriage when you know your spouse is not your lover? What would that point be?
That's a question I have asked myself often...and for me the answer is...No. I need the emotional intimacy that ML brings with it. If I were older (I'm 36) I may be willing to do that...but I just can't see myself being content with a "sexless" marriage for 25+ years as some people on this board have done (kudos to them, you know who you are). Fortunately in my situation...my LDH recognizes he has a problem and wants to work towards a resolution...so there's great hope for my marriage
We had a semi-interesting discussion last night. I was sitting down and H came up behind me and was kissing me and running his hands down my breasts. He then said something to the effect of "There will be more love later." Or something like that, only it wasn't NEARLY as clear what he was referring to. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said he didn't know. I told him that he is quite good at being vague; that way, he hasn't 'locked' himself into anything that he might want to wiggle out of later. He didn't reply to that. (he knows I am right in what I say) This whole convo was light and happy so I don't want to give the wrong impression--I am just attempting to call him on his vagueness a lot of the times, whereas in the past I would have just hoped for the best.
Later on, I could tell that he was so tired that nothing would happen. Which was fine. Quite honestly I am getting a little worried about him. He has had terrible vertigo for the last 2 days; he also has a doctors appt for next Monday for a lump on the back of his head. When we laid down for bed, he was complaining of the room spinning so I gave him lots of love and we drifted off to sleep.
This morning I got a wonderful email from him. You know, I think he has come to believe that I don't have any sympathy for him, or tolerance of him. Which is partially true. So today I am really examining myself and making sure that my HOM isn't me being an azzhole, too.
Good job, Honeypot! My H is the same way with the vagueness. At first it seems sexy, but when it goes on for days, it's not. I finally got the courage (via this board) to say that to him a few days ago. We left it at: he has to learn to be sexy without making vague or other promises he can't keep.
Sounds like your H is thinking about sex more. Hooray! Prayers, thoughts and voodoo magic all sent your way.
Quote: You know, I think he has come to believe that I don't have any sympathy for him, or tolerance of him. Which is partially true.
Pretty heavy stuff... and I know that it was the sort of thing that bred resentment in Mr. Wonderful. Today I realized during a phone convo with him that he is affected by things that I say. While I might think of a retort that is less than sympathetic, I now engage my head before speaking any word... my response this morning was a heck of a lot more validating.
I think you're going to see a whole lot more of the really special man when you treat him as though he is special. Great job!!!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I am really struggling to hold onto myself today. I feel so bored with my love life and so tired of it being a struggle.
I just want it to be a little easier (I have enough stress in my life with D4, D2 and baby on way to also worry about keeping things on track).
H has regressed to a point of wanting sex every 5 days or so, and only then because I push the issue HARD. He said last night that he is fine with the pregnancy but the changes in my body are making it hard for him to be turned on by me, in waking hours. Sigh.
Here are a bunch of fused and whiny ramblings: 1. I am grieving the loss of having a man to want me. I have a man who will have sex with me (even lots of it, at times) but I am not married to a man who will ever lust after me, or make me feel like a WOMAN.
2. My sexual style does not mesh with his. He does not respond to my more subtle ways of turning him on (such as standing before him naked and applying lotion)..I have to say out loud, Would you like to ML? before he gets the frigging hint.
3. He talks a good game but that's where it ends--talk. He has never been willing, in all the time we've been trying to resolve things, to turn a fantasy into reality. He has gone so far to make plans--even setting the date--but will not follow through. Things like, I will ask you to wear a skirt sometime this week. Then he never does. These are not "out there" things, they are pretty tame. Still, he can't bring himself to do it.
4. If given the choice between sleep and sex, he will choose sleep every time, unless he thinks that I will be mad. He would agree with this, btw.
5. His desire originates in his body and has nothing to do with me. I do not inspire it, I cannot create it. He turns to me for release of it, and in turn feels desire for ME while ML, but there is no spark of this unless he is already horny. This is a helpless feeling for me, as a woman.
In short, today I am feeling really disappointed with how my R has turned out. I have no tolerance and I'm sure I am hormonal to boot.
Maybe after I have some coffee I will feel more energized about things again.
One positive thing is that while we were talking last night, I did an excellent job of holding onto myself and felt very loving and connected to him, even as I was simultaneously po'd at his choice of an ending for the long weekend and disappointed in him as a lover. Even today, I do not feel angry at him, just TIRED.
