Don't you hate when this happens?

[barneyfife]

HP,

Thanks for your post. I didn't enjoy it as much as when you talk dirty , but this one was better for me. I also think congratulations are in order for "getting it" after only 4 years. I'm sure those 4 years felt to you like 40, but I could have used some of your wisdom only 4 years into my M (almost 20 years ago).

I think all of those here trying to fix their M by working on themselves should be commended. To us guys, seeing the W doing it is especially gratifying, although it can be frustrating if we compare it to our own M. Perhaps it's the same for the W, but I'm a guy so it's all about me.

Mike - wasted 20 years not standing up for myself and being angry

[Bube]

Mike - wasted 20 years not standing up for myself and being angry

Me too. Only I wasted 28 years. It's only in the last month or so that I got to where Honey is now. It was so easy and comfortable for everything to be her fault. I've finally owned up to the fact that my letting her get away no sex whatsoever for the first 12 years of our M makes the problem as much my fault as hers. The C asked who was at fault and W said, "I think it's 50-50." To which the C responded, "Wrong. It's 100-100." That was 14 years ago, but I just got it last month. I also finally got the idea that I can't change her; I can only change myself and the way in which I respond to her in the hopes that she'll be inspired to change herself.

Wildebube

[honeypot]

Thank you, Betsey, for the well wishes.

As I said, this is one problem that I'm sure will dog us for the remainder of our marriage. However, I feel that I can face it now..that I have what it takes to keep things moving forward, you know? I also feel that H will not ever let me down to the extent that he did, though he will probably backslide many times. We all do.

Btw, I knew you were HD from your writing style and your personality. You know how some people have gay-dar, well, I have HD-dar, lol.
I couldn't get a handle on MW (based on some of his comments to you) but I figured as much as what you confirmed.

Thanks too for the good wishes on my pregnancy. It is moving right along and I am so amazed at the difference between this one and my last two. H is still able to see me as a wife and lover, which he was not able to do at all with my two daughters--he completely shut down and would have nothing to do with me. So this is a vast improvement. Every day things get a little more relaxed and at ease around here, and I hope we can keep it going.

Annette and Mike, well, I wish I could say that I ditched the anger in spite of the fact that H was not meeting my needs but I didn't. It only started to fade once I saw that his commitment to restoring our marriage was as strong as my own. So I am no saint and much of the credit goes to H.

Hang in there,
HP

[NOPkins]

HoneyP said:
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But I could have done something about it and I chose not to and then sat back and griped about how long-suffering I was. YES he should have seen how destructive he was being, but to hold this anger over his head for another four years has got to be the dumbest idea I've ever had.
--------------

HoneyP, it is my great privilege and honor today to bestow upon you, the coveted, Brass Pair award.

Your service to your fellow man by growing a pair and addressing the real issues in your relationship, then doing something about it, sets an exemplary example of "the right stuff". When your relationship was in dire straights, under fire, and in danger of being lost, you dug in, fired straight and didn't give up.

We are all inspired by your actions.

Congratulations!

:-)
-NOPkins-

[honeypot]

Well, it's about time, NOP!
I thought I was gonna have to bust YOUR balls to get my hard earned brass pair.



Thanks for the kind words. I am a tenacious person, by nature, and I think that was part of the problem--H knew that he could check out of the R and that I would fight for him and for us. He has always relied on me to "rein him in" when he's getting too carried away and it has been a revelation to us both to realize that this is not a good way to handle a marriage. What he didn't realize was that by checking out, he put our M at great risk and made it vulnerable to an affair.

Anyhoo, thanks for the award, NOP, but next time don't leave me hanging.

[NOPkins]

honeypot said:
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Well, it's about time, NOP!
I thought I was gonna have to bust YOUR balls to get my hard earned brass pair
--------------

Sorry about that. I have been meaning to award you for a while now :-)

There are a couple of people that are close to an award, and there are 2 that I am pulling for ( no pressure, but you know who you are :-) ). There is one in particular that is really close, and one that is coming on strong ( whose name will go unmentioned but he looks a lot like SD).

I will tell you what I get from this this site now that most of my issues are gone. I get to see other people cry, scratch, claw, fume, ponder, complain, whine, give up, then get up and do it again. All with only hope that their relationship will be changed for the better. I have the privilege of watching that progression and seeing the results, from the other end of the process.

I love to see another breakthrough in someone's relationship. I love to occasionally be able to offer some hope or encouragement.

I am very proud of everyone that is trying to fix their relationship, regardless of the actual progress made. Most of all, I am very proud to have known such a fine group of people, albeit anonymously. It is a privilege to know people that are not willing to just toss a relationship in the trash like so much refuse, even if this is the last effort to start recovery. It is an honor to be associated with people that are convinced that a marriage IS worth saving.

Sorry about the preaching :-)

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Tim2point0]

Sorry about the preaching :-)

That wasn't preaching, NOP, that was heartfelt, and appreciated! I, too, feel honored to have shared a journey with these fine people, and I will never forget any of them (no, I'm not going anywhere just yet - my journey isn't finished...).

One thing I've been wishing lately is that you'd post a syNOPsys of your travels these past few months. From what I've seen, you've made a spectacular success. I've been mining some of your earlier posts, and it's amazing how far you and your W have come in a few short months. I think it would be inspirational to a lot of people here to read, in one post, snippets from several of your posts showing the progression from "dead relationship" to "what it is now". I also think that maybe you haven't really posted a whole lot about exactly when and how you've made the progress you have, so it would really be enlightening if you could at least give us a peek at your process. I know it won't be of much value as a "guide", because every sitch is different, but I bet a lot of folks would find much help in such a post. How 'bout it, eh?

[ShouldBHappy]

Because I didn't let (this) marriage get as bad as some of the R's you all are in, I can't really brag that much. HOWEVER, I do wish to say that hearing just how long a SSM can go on without a lucky break made me really really scared. And that was a good thing.

I know myself pretty well. I can let resentment build up and hover for weeks or months or years. It is not a good thing. It will inevitably lead to me bailing out. I would NOT stay 4 years or 12 years in a sexless marriage. And my H wouldn't expect me to (thank god).

So, I really pushed myself to communicate and to change more in the past three weeks, as a result of reading what you all are posting. Just wanted to say thanks. Ultimately, you've helped save a relationship, because things are much better for us.

I wish I could help you all out, just as much. Dammit. Since I was once an LDW, and now, am NOT, let me say there's hope.

[NOPkins]

Tim said (a snippet):
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One thing I've been wishing lately is that you'd post a syNOPsys of your travels these past few months. From what I've seen, you've made a spectacular success. I've been mining some of your earlier posts, and it's amazing how far you and your W have come in a few short months. I think it would be inspirational to a lot of people here to read, in one post, snippets from several of your posts showing the progression from "dead relationship" to "what it is now".
-------------------

Journaling is not something I am very good at, but I will give it a shot. Just let me work on a short version in my head for a day or two.

As for a "spectacular success", when speaking of relational success, I don't believe anyone ever really arrives at a finish line, only a place of relative equilibrium. :-) I doubt I have any real insights, only a few battle scars to show off :-)

We are where we are because my wife got into the fracas with me. That is also why I encourage everyone here to make the sex issue an issue for your mate as well.

Sorry ladies for the way this sounds arrogant, but I can get laid whenever I want to WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. I have a lot of experience at being seductive. I am handsome and well built (but my age is beginning to show). Regardless, I couldn't get laid by the woman I really wanted - my wife. I agonized over this for many years. I was VERY angry. My point here is that it is a good thing to make yourself more attractive, both physically and personality wise, but addressing the part of you that has helped your spouse ignore your true needs is the real ticket to change. It may be small or make no sense to you, but for real change, address it you will. It may have absolutely nothing to do with your physique or your suavity or charm, and everything to do with some area of your spouses life that you have ignored.

It wasn't until the following dynamics came into play that any change occured;
a) I realized my situation was partly my fault.
b) I was ready to give my relationship up in its then current form.
c) My spouse decided to address issues (looming as they were).

So, Tim, I don't know what the magic bullet was, other than being willing to do a lot of things that I found uncomfortable, while my wife did a lot of things that she found uncomfortable. The net result is a start at relational equilibrium.

I haven't read PM, but I gather from what I have read here that making changes in yourself is a good place to start with a relationship. All I want to add to that is to find out which changes really matter to your spouse.

My wife and I are actively involved in our relationship. It is not our sole focus, but we are both learning to address issues as they arise rather than just ignoring them and letting them fester. That is just plain old good sense. I just wish I hadn't been so stupid before.

More later,
-NOPkins-

[NOPkins]

ShouldBHappy said:
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So, I really pushed myself to communicate and to change more in the past three weeks, as a result of reading what you all are posting. Just wanted to say thanks. Ultimately, you've helped save a relationship, because things are much better for us.
-------------------

That is fantastic!

This site has seen some decent successes. I wish that there had been a book like TSSM years ago. I used to pride myself on common sense and logic. It sucks to have missed the ball so badly and for so long in our relationship :-) It chars my pride a bit to get exposed by a book, but I am very glad that Michele wrote it. Her book was the catalyst for change in my relationship.

I post little here but there are many others that chronicle their relationships very well on this site, some daily. As you said, I think that being able to see others successes and failures is of immense value.

All the best!
-NOPkins-