HD, Sounds like your wife is getting all of her oral pleasures satisfied by food. PITY!
I can't understand that frame of mind either when people complain about their weight but dish up the ice cream anyway. Either you want the delicious food and you are willing to live with the consequences (in which case I respect your decision) or you want to lose weight and you understand that the consequences of THAT decision is to ditch the i.c. Can't have it both ways!
Annette, You are too cool, lady. Has your H ever seen you dance? Heck, I would love to see it! Now get out there and get that swimsuit. You are already an extremely sexy lady and time is a wastin'.
I try to be cool. My 29yr old son took me out not long ago and his friends didn't believe I was his mother LOL. I don't think I look or act like I'm almost 50 , most people estimate my age at around 40, god I love it.
H has seen me do a few dance moves but I am working on making a really cool dancing costume. I will put all the moves on him then I think sometime this weekend I will visit the department store and look at what is available in swim suits. I am motivated now to loose the extra weight. And you know, it wasn't until I got to the point of "I don't care" that I got really motived to do that. Thats when I started the belly dancing and my attitude seemed to change. I think H sees me taking interest in several things other than just sitting around the house and I invite him to go with me, when appropriate, and if he doesn't I don't fret about it, I just go and have fun. He doesn't seem to mind. I hope he knows that eventually, him not doing things with me will result in my lack of interest in him and the marriage. How are you feeling and doing btw?
Annette - dubbed the cool lady by another cool lady
As I have written here before, my H is very cyclical with his sexuality. He will go for days (or weeks) where he is passionate--or as passionate as he gets--and loving and desirous of me. Then it's like a switch is thrown and he pulls away and nothing I do can get him thinking sexy again.
He is currently in a sexy phase so I am enjoying life once again, lol, but I am still at a loss as to how to approach the nonsexy times. How to either help him out of the down cycle, force him into a crucible over it (my H is remarkably crucible-resistant), or what.
Earlier this week, I shaved, had him lotion my privates up, tried to pull him into me to enjoy it further, all no dice. This went on for 5 days. Then we finally had some of the hottest sex we've ever had and now he's don juan again. For instance, last night I came home after being out for the night and he started talking finances as soon as I got into bed. I could literally feel his body tense, bp rise, his voice was getting louder...in short, he was stressin. Being an HD female I thought to myself, "well there goes any shot I had of getting some action" and carried on the finance conversation with him. He even said, I know you hate talking about this stuff at bedtime. Gee! I wonder why...
Then he kissed me goodnight and I felt his body jump, like he had electricity going thru him. He went for another kiss and another. Suddenly it dawned on me that he was getting turned on! I was VERY surprised because just two days ago, the finances were so stressful that he couldn't ML at all, let alone immediately after a conversation about it.
It was not all wine and roses, though. He did have to mention the late hour (nine something)..second guessing himself I suppose.. He also mentioned that we would have a lot more sex if the foreplay didn't have to "last so long". I politely pointed out to him that it is extremely difficult for me to become aroused by a man who is falling asleep MULTIPLE times while he is caressing me. And that every time he falls asleep I go back to ground zero and he has to start over. I also told him that I get angry really quickly when he does this and I have to fight the urge to say, "Your fingers are stroking my cl*t!! Are ya tellin me that it does so little for you that you are asleep?!?"
So all in all, we are in a good place right now. I am still brainstorming trying to figure out how to deal with the down cycle, when it inevitably appears. At one point, I asked him what I could do to get his mind in a good place and turn him on when he is like that. I must have had more desperation in my voice than I thought (my grip on myself was coming loose, I guess!) and he replied with a very sad voice..almost like he felt sorry for me that he gets in these moods in which there is little I can do but wait it out. He didn't, however, have any suggestions for what I can do.
Hp, Good to hear that you are in a good phase right now. I however have another failure at initiation last night. I was also going to talk to her about setting up a date night for sex, but as she was on a roll about the little old lady next door and her brother, I decided to let her rant and not throw in something to get her annoyed at me as well.
However, I was just jumping in to note that I do not understand guys who complain about forplay taking so long. I've always enjoyed the whole process and since I enjoy playing with a naked woman, the longer the forplay, the longer my play time. So I don't understand that at all.
Scott -Who is working up the courage to bring up the dreaded topic of "scheduled sex" to his spouse.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Scott, I think he likes the foreplay itself but he hates the fact that he will inevitably fall asleep and then will get in trouble.
I will touch him during foreplay, say, 5 times out of ten but it usually ends with him then trying to completely rush sex (before I am ready, which PLEAAAAAAAAAASE takes me about 5 minutes!) so I refuse to do that every time. It does keep him awake though.
If he was just trying to rush sex because he was turned on, I suppose it would make me really horny but you have to understand my H is a clock watcher and it is all about "what time is it" to him.
The funny thing is that when he truly lets go...and allows himself to enjoy my naked body, he really loves it. He acts like he is discovering it for the very first time, and I would have to guess it is because he spends so much time focusing on the time and getting our genitals joined, instead of really relishing the process. The IRONY of it all is that this approach (get the genitals together asap so that we can be sleeping soon) actually makes sex take LONGER because it is not a turn on for me and, I suspect, for him either.
Last night, for example, took no time at all because he gave such good kisses before we even started. I knew he was not going to fall asleep and we both relaxed.
Btw, he is going to the doctor soon to have a lump on the back of his head checked out (it doesn't appear to be anything more than a cyst) but I will encourage him to ask his doc about the sleepiness.
Thanks for the well wishes; it's been hot-t-t-t around my house the last couple days!
Hi HP, My H is a clock watcher too. He wants to make sure he gets enough rest for work--after all, he has a very stressful job. I bought into this BS for a while ( notice how great a clock watcher he is when he's out with his buddies). My H will also go to bed and discuss the most dry, unsexy topic, and as I resign myself to the discussion and am inwardly rolling my eyes, suddenly he is interested in sex. I guess he somehow senses the pressure is off and can respond. I am learning to ignore a lot of this behavior, but I do feel bad that he feels so under the gun with me, and then feel sorry for myself for marrying such a nut case. Guess it takes one to know one.
Remember that short list we talked about in earlier posts? The one where we were figuring out our most basic needs? For me, that consisted of ML 2x/ week ( there were quality issues as well but I won't get into it here). In my most PM way, after repeated discussions, I made those needs known to him and put the ball in his court. I gave him the responsibility to follow through and promised myself to keep a happy attitude while waiting it out. I am beginning to see he is coming through for me and I can calm myself down knowing that my most basic needs are being taken care of. As I gain more confidence in him, I can have fun thinking about how our weekly sex life will play itself out, and if there will be any perks. I am not at that level yet. If a week goes by that ends up being a bust, I will have to confront him and remind him of my expectations. I'm hoping in time that the psych factors that prevent us from intimacy will lessen and all of this will be much more natural...in other words, maybe he'll come to want the sex/intimacy as much as I do, or not fight it as much. J-- who isn't going to gain weight from this sex diet, but who is not starving either
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and a lot of it was inspired by Underdog's thread on the piecing forum. In past years I have had so much anger at my husband and couldn't let it go.
And then it occurred to me--I am to blame. I even told Cemar this the other day but I was just beginning to see how fully it applied to me, also.
As many of you know, my husband basically dropped out of our marriage when he re-discovered the Catholic Church during year two of our now 8 yr marriage. He wanted a friendship relationship and for me to support him as he spent more and more time at church and left me at home by myself to fume. The sex began to disappear during that time but it wasn't until year 3 that it was so striking that I began to run out of excuses as to why it was happening.
I went the usual gamut and assumed it was me (and just recently was able to shed this once and for all) until I finally confronted him after 4 yrs of a SSM and he told me, "I don't know where a wife fits into things anymore" meaning, that he wasn't sure that he wanted to continue to have sex with me or to treat me in a romantic way--although he definitely wanted to stay married. It was devastating to me. I had always assumed that I was irresistable to him (vain, silly girl I was!) and here I found out that not only was that not true, but that his plans might include resisting me for the rest of my life.
The anger boiled up in me like a pressure cooker. I was pissed and I stayed pissed for, gosh, a year and a half? I was SO angry that a man could make plans to reject me for the rest of my life and not include me in it; I was mad that a man would reject me in the first dang place; I was mad about you name it. Anger was the predominating feeling in our house. We would have periods of contentment but that anger was always there and ready to seethe out, whenever I sensed that he was backsliding. Looking back, I don't know how H stayed so calm and steadfast throughout this, except to say that is the type of person that he is.
I suppose I was most mad about the fact that I had been WRONGED. And I wanted someone to pay for that and pay dearly. I wanted revenge! I wanted him to feel the hurt that I had felt during those years.
When the anger started to fade, I began to see things a little more clearly. Lurking on Betsey's thread helped me to further clarify it..sometimes you can see someone else's situation so clearly, but not your own.
One of the things that struck me so hard was the fact that she was able to say, Boy did I do some dumb things. NOT absolving her husband--what he did was still absolutely wrong--but to sit back and say, This is where I could have done things differently.
And that is where I am today. I realize that, yep, we didn't have much sex for four years and he had emotionally checked out of our marriage but you know what? I allowed him to do that! I could have, at any point, spoke up but I didn't. I had my own reasons for not doing so (fear, mostly) but I could have knocked years off the misery. Prior to these last months, I have been so caught up in my own feelings of being wronged, that I haven't been able to forgive him or move past the idea of what he SHOULD have been doing all along.
Don't get me wrong--what he did was idiotic.
But I could have done something about it and I chose not to and then sat back and griped about how long-suffering I was. YES he should have seen how destructive he was being, but to hold this anger over his head for another four years has got to be the dumbest idea I've ever had.
As I've written before, I think this will always be an area that we need to work on and perfect..it doesn't come easy to us, the way it does to other couples.
But owning up to my part in it and feeling the subsequent feeling of peace and forgiveness has got to be one of the best feelings I've had in a long time. I always knew what part I played but I wasn't ready to really OWN it and have the ability to ditch the anger until recently.
So, Betsey, if you read this, thank you for spilling your life online--while our situations are different and the journeys we are each taking are different, just seeing someone else go down their path has illuminated my own.
I, too, have alot of anger and resentment towards my husband. It nearly has consumed me at some points. The alcohol abuse, the ED, the verbal abuse, I was (and sometimes still am) very angry about all those things. I have managed to let some of it go, mostly by keeping busy and diverting my attention elsewhere. I know that until I face him totally square on and hash out the issues with him, it might get a little better, but never the way I want and feel I deserve. I wish I had the ability to express myself the way I see others on this board. My H has the ability to turn things around on me and I hate that. Thats one of the reasons I have avoided talking too deep with him in the past.
So glad things are going better for you, hope it continues. If your writing is any indication of your real personality, you will never let him slide
Yes, I'm here and reading away, Honey! Congrats on your new addition to the family too.
I'm glad my own realizations helped you figure out what was not helping you. Isn't this what friends are for? Though I really wish I hadn't had to go through so much muck to get to the point where I realized it too.
Forgiveness is one of my big themes in this lifetime. Every time I think I get it, I get another lesson that proves otherwise. You're absolutely right about the euphoria you feel when that burden is ditched.
We aren't all that different, Honey. I'm also HD... and while Mr. W. isn't LD, his resentment and hurt diverted the blood supply to his Mr. Winky for a long time. I figured out that it was a symptom of a bigger problem, and much of it had to do with me. However, the common denominator in all his problems is HIM.
As long as I'm interested in assessing blame somewhere, I'm not seeing the potential to resolve the core problems that are right in front of me.
Look at it this way, by the time your little one arrives, you're going to have all this stuff ironed out so you can concentrate on being a great mom. Something tells me that you're going to do a terrific job at that new role.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
, most people estimate my age at around 40, god I love it.
