Thanks, S for the pertinent quotes and your comments.
Yes, believe it or not, even though you make some good points about the "opposites" I list about me and H...H would agree in full with my take on that. For example, when I say I am "carefree" I do not mean that I am perfectly so at all times (especially in a crisis!)only that , in comparison to H, we are quite opposites in that and many ways. My family has noticed that from the very beginning. I don't think it's an insurmountable M problem, but is a big issue.
Yes, I know most of my post this time was about OM... because that's where I'm at right now, dealing with that. I can't deal with the M in earnest till I deal with that. That is the one thing I do feel sure of.
Yes, clearly I still do really want OM and still have hope still, I have always been the first to admit that, but I am tired of being in limbo and trying to end with him despite those feelings, in hopes the hope will fade in time! I think my feelings are part of the letting-go process... they must be, because so many H's and W's on this forum post about their spouse going thru the same conflicted feelings about the OP.
When all is said and done, I am trying to end an R with someone, an R that is a big part of me, and that I would like to continue in almost as many ways that I would like to end! That is hell. I have already "decided" to end it, and that was really hard, but DOING IT is even harder, and sticking to it will probably be hardest of all. Yeah, maybe the reason it is so hard is because (as you imply), my decision itself is not solid enough. I don't know. It's as solid as I can make it right now, so I gotta work with that, and hope it works.
Yes, I agree that OM may be consciously or unconsciously manipulating my feelings to keep me in limbo. Or, who knows, he has been very conflicted about me from the beginning and I have always led the thing, so he might truly wish this to be over now, and is trying to help me get over him by nixing phone contact! I just don't know. I am suddenly tired, actually, of trying to guess H's motives and OM's motives... the possibilities are endless, and I barely know my own motives.
I am trying my best to follow thru on my decision, and that's all I can do... one day at a time, trying my best.
A lot of what you say is very wise, S... and I do take it to heart. Thank you!
