Geat Buscaglia quote, and very wise words about R timing. And yes, I do realize that my feelings about H sabotaging our reconciliation plans are a bit egocentric... I am trying to push past those feelings.
QUOTE:
"Seems as if you both too out of gas to either work on it or end it."
YES! We really want to do neither. I could force myself to do either, though. So could he. Quite the conundrum.
Even after I cut off with OM, I am not real hopeful the ambivalence about H and my M will improve all that much, so I think it is going to be a matter of just forcing myself to get back in there and hoping for the best. Kind of like making yourself get out of bed in the morning, even though it's the LAST thing you want to do... but then once you're up and around, you feel fine... THAT is what I am hoping for.
Yeah, the "heavy lifting" you speak of is a problem, because neither of us motivated to do that, and half of me really does just want to move on from BOTH OM AND H... be on my own awhile, and find another relationship one day, one that is more POSSIBLE than the one with OM, and more NATURAL than the one with H. Two of my sisters think I have not given this option enough serious consideration, and they may be right. They think I am acting like OM and H are my only two options, and they feel that is a very narrowed perspective. It may be, but one of the reasons I hate to bail on my M right now, is because H and I have never had a time just to ourselves... I had two kids when we met, and the moment the last one left the nest, we separated over an ongoing conflict, then my A started. So, we've never even had a chance to see how the R feels without the distraction (and safety net) of kids... I would like to do that before giving up.
About OM... Looks like my H is not the only one with 11th hour gambits. OM pulled the plug on phone contact between us, something he has never done before. He wrote me saying that since we have not talked on the phone in several months, he did not feel we should. He thinks we should just stick to e-mail, because he says it is too difficult for him to hear my voice and resist asking to see me. He says he does not want things to "escalate" between us again because I am making progress with my M.
This is a bunch of BS. I don't think it is intentional BS, but BS just the same. OM is not selflessly interested in the success of my M. No, I am pretty sure the reason he does not want a phone conversation is because he knows I am gearing up to "say my piece" and he does not want to have to deal with a BEC... (big, emotional conversation). Also, I notice that whenever OM's feelings for me are running high, he can tolerate that internal conflict only for a short while and then he shuts down. I know that when I said I wanted to cut off, it must have brought some of his feelings to the surface, hence all his disparaging commentary about my M and H. But now OM has reeled his emotions back in, and is now acting like the master negotiator he IS... He knows the thing to do when someone is backing away (as I am )is to do the unexpected and back away yourself, rather than try to hang on. Hence, his little "no more phone then" gambit.
I am sure he thought I would panic and beg him to let me speak with him, as I normally would. NYET. I decided to maintain authenticity while also staying my course. I told him that it is impossible to have a real dialogue on e-mail, and that my feelings were very hurt that he no longer wished to speak with me, especially at a time when it is important that we do speak, but that I would respect his wishes, of course. He wrote back trying to soften the blow of his decision, and of course we exchanged several more unnecessary e-mails on this ridiculous topic.
I spoke with my father, who knows my whole situation well, and my feelings about it. He says that because I do not want to be OMs mistress, I made the right decision months ago by cutting off meetings. He says he is 110% sure OM would have never left his W for me if I continued to see him, since OM's marriage is fairly good. I confessed to my dad that I still have irrational hope in my heart for me and OM, and Dad says stay the course anyway and cut things off. He says that by "holding onto the ball" so tightly all year, I have never given OM a chance to catch it. He says the only thing to do is throw this ball to OM and see if he catches or lets it drop. My dad points out that doing this is not a "gamble," (as I have always thought of it) because I don't have OM anyway, so there is nothing to loose.
Strangely, my dad believes that when I totally cut from OM, and successfully stay away, there is a good chance OM will come back ready to deal. I told him "No way, dad, OM will let this ball drop, he has no kids, but he has too many other solid reasons why he does not want to bust up his M." But my dad said "Mark my words, if he cares for you, it will not matter what obstacles are in the way, you will hear from him."
This conversation with my dad was very comforting to me. It makes me feel stronger in my decision to stop all contact with OM. Because, I think my dad is right, S... if OM's feelings for me are strong enough, he will not let me go no matter what, and if they are not strong enough, then nothing lost. My dad says that under NORMAL circumstances a man's feelings for a woman can increase over time, and lead to a desire to further the R, but that in my situation, spending more time with OM will not help... my dad says that giving him more time may indeed increase OM's feelings/attachment to me, but because he is M, he will always try to have his cake and eat it too, as long as I continue to be involved with him, there would be no reason to give up W. This makes me feel better about giving up on OM NOW rather than later.
My dad is very "back east," urban, and has a sort of "people will be people" viewpoint of these sorts of situations. (He "dated" two married women back in his day, with not much guilt!). My dad is more about strategy than anything else. He seems to think that since I care deeply for both men and since (right now) my feelings for OM are strongest, that it is important for me to leave the door cracked open with OM, especially since the future with H is so uncertain.
Dad seems to think I should take a savvier atitude with OM. He said "Hon, you were involved with this OM 13 years ago, and now again... what do you want with him, exactly?... be completely honest with yourself." I said "To spend the rest of our lives together." He said "Have you ever TOLD him that?" I said "No! Of course not! I could barely get him to take me to a movie! I have told him I want to steal him from his W, so that we could have a real relationship, but I have never talked about spending our lives together, I think it would scare the pants off him."
My dad said "This is such a big mistake women make, trying to negotiate for a goal that is not even made perfectly clear, or setting their sites too low. You should say whatever you feel you need to say to OM, and tell him that you want the two of you to spend your lives together, then stay off his radar screen and let him grapple with that. You may never see him again, but if you do, he'll be where you want him. This is the way to go. Since you are firmly decided that you don't want to be a side-dish, you have nothing to loose, and the worm could turn with OM, you never know for sure. Meanwhile, you get to get out of limbo and move on with your life and fully attend to your M if you want."
Uggghhhg! This is not how I had planned to break off with OM. I was going to neatly CLOSE with OM, you know, the usual "breaking up" routine, not just up the ante and stay away. Twice before I have "closed" with OM, so he is expecting my usual break-up melodrama.
I have already said almost all I have to say to OM. When school finishes in a few days, I am going to say the last bit, and spill all the beans as my dad recommends, then BAM, I'm gone. No parting words, no goodbye. That will be SO hard for me, but I feel it's best...
I think it will EASIER for me to stay away from him like this, because I will feel like it's in his hands now, not mine. My dad says it has always been in his hands, not mine. He's right, the choice has always been OM's, and he chose W last summer, after agonizing over the conflict. But he has never had to face the results of that choice, which is loosing me. I think he will stand firm, but since I do not like his decision, I am not going to make it any easier for him by giving us closure and breaking the tension of his conflict. Let him sweat it out, wondering if I am back with H, or on my own, or perhaps abducted by aliens. Let him wonder if I still worship him, and if his W will ever care about sex, or anything except shopping.
However, it will be important for me to not "hope" for OM to contact me. I have to "fully close" this R out, in my OWN mind and heart, AND I PLAN TO!... otherwise, I feel my M (or any future R) will be sabotaged by this loose way of cutting off with OM.
Anyway, I discussed my dad's thoughts with H. Because I do not want to finish with OM in any way that would make H feel as if I weren't "really done." H says he is going to pull the chair out from under my poor old Dad when we see him next. At least we are trying to keep a sense of humor. H says he does not care how the hell I cut off with OM at this point. He says "When you are as done as you can be with him, let me know and we'll take it from there."
