Thank you for your post. Yes, I do think it is possible that I am "overthinking" the dynamics of my H's recent behavior, good point. And, of course I do realize that this is very painful for him despite outward appearances.
QUOTE: "You seem to base every action you take on his actions. You want to know when this woman is coming to town so that you can begin to work on reeling him back in. Reeling him back in and salvaging your marriage is not dependent on when this woman will be in town. It's dependent on whether or not you begin to take some positive steps of your own."
This is true, of course! However, I am simply not personally motivated to DB at this point!! That's the fact. And IDEALLY I do not want to have to force myself to "do it anyway." I think DB will be more effective when my heart is in it... AFTER I have broken off with OM (which I am mid-way through doing) and AFTER I gotten over the worst of that grief.
However, I may not have the luxury of waiting for that "ideal" time to DB, and in that case I MIGHT choose to force myself to do it sooner, such as if things escalate with this potential OW. In that one instance, you are correct, I would be basing my actions on his actions. That is not always wrong, people do that with eachother constantly. I do not ALWAYS base my actions on his, though. My decision to quit with OM came from inside ME, and had nothing to do with anything H was doing... I made that decision when H was behaving the same as always.
QUOTE;
"winning his trust again, showing him that you do mean what you are saying by backing it up with some action."
Yes... I agree. Keep in mind, I have NOT spent all year promising to break off with OM. Far from. All year long I have been pursuing OM and not kidding myself or my H about that. Unlike the vast majority of people who stray, I have never once deceived my H, not through any of this. This is why H and I both feel the "trust" in our M has not been as violated as would normally be expected in an "affair" situation.
I only told my H two other times that I was breaking off with OM, and both times I followed through, in good faith, fully intending for it to be permanent. However, it only held a few weeks each time. As soon as I went back, I told my H immediately.
This is the third time I have told H that I plan to stop with OM, and I am taking different steps this time to make sure it "holds." If it doesn't, my plan is to re-assess my committment to my M. It strikes me lately that my inability to break with OM may be, IN PART, a way to avoid working on a M that perhaps I would rather let go of at this point than continue to work on. I don't know... but that is something I am grappling with.
