Quote: Yes, I had an open A, I realize that!... but H has clearly sabotaged this reconciliation at the 11th hour... most men on this forum with straying wives would KILL to be in his shoes, with finally a real chance to reconcile with their "selfish" W's after a year of zero progress, and what does my H do as soon as I start talking and acting seriously about coming back? He starts up a cyber affair...
New to this thread but have been following it some. Hope you don't mind if I pipe in with an opinion. You are over thinking things. You are assigning motives that are not there. Annalise, you don't have any idea why he has decided to start a relationship with someone in the "11th hour." Your perception of what has been going on is probably completely different than his, infact, based on some of the things he has said it would be safe to say he does percieve the situation completely differently than you do.
I have a theory about what is happening with your husband. He has no trust in you. It's really very simplistic. The man does not believe what you say because, what you say is not backed up by action. It's fine and dandy to tell someone you are going to break it off with the other man. What holds water though is actually breaking it off with the other man.
Your husband has lived with your sense of ambivilance for a year now. He has taken his training as a therapist and tried to respond to the circumstances in a productive way. His responses do not mean that he is not being eaten up alive inside Annalise. I have stood in front of my ex husband and smiled and it would outwardly appear that I am calm and emotionally fine with the situation. Inside I have died a thousand times but he will never know it.
Maybe your husband is doing the same thing. Maybe he has done it until he can't do it any longer. Maybe his loss of trust due to your ambivilance has finally gotten him to the point that he has given up and feels he needs to move on instead of wait around for you to do something.
You seems to both be waiting around for the other to do something and neither one seems able to take any constructive action. DBing is about taking constructive action, it's about being willing to be the one to make the first positive move regardless of what the other person is doing.
In my opinion your husband's response to your affair was very positive. If he had played it any other way he would have driven you right out of the marriage. I've seen many, many people here on the DB board do exactly as your husband has done.
There comes a breaking point though. There comes a point where it is time to cut bait and walk away. That is only human nature. I understand your struggles and conflicts. I'm not judging you BUT I think you are failing to see that your husband has his own struggles and conflicts also.
You seem to base every action you take on his actions. You want to know when this woman is coming to town so that you can begin to work on reeling him back in. Reeling him back in and salvaging your marriage is not dependent on when this woman will be in town. It's dependent on whether or not you begin to take some positive steps of your own.
The first being....winning his trust again, showing him that you do mean what you are saying by backing it up with some action. Cathy~
