I am so glad that this isn't going to knock you off track from finishing with your OM. I also know you can't force your feelings to come back....takes time just like getting in this situation takes time.
DB you A_ _ off.....well by your post about the OW, I guess I got the impression that you might want your H and M a little more than you thought you did, even though you closed by being a bit ambivalent about it again.
On your "facts", I remind you that these are the "facts" as you preceive them. They might not be the "facts" as your husband percieves them. Case in point:
He said "Well... come on... these delineations of yours about what we are doing are not as clear to me as they are to you... I am not all that confident about you and me, and either are you." You have to admit he is a bit right at the end of this statement, neither one of you are confident about your relationship. Seems as if you both too out of gas to either work on it or end it.
He said "Oh, you do not really want to break off with OM. You love OM. You have done this whole "separation" year your way, on YOUR time table, and now I am supposed to adjust my timetable based on a break up with OM?" From what you have posted, I can't say as I really blame him for this attitude. He was patient for awhile, and now something natural has happened, just as natural as you doing what you did with the OM.
I'm just saying that it's reconciliation-sabotage, and I'm not sure how I feel about DB-ing under those circumstances. Come on A, this is your emotions talking here. It is no more sabotage than what you were doing. You know that when an M is ignored (as it has apparently been in your case for awhile) that someone is likely to stray, looking for what they need.
A - I would say this, even if you can't make up your mind to pursue your M, then I would recommend that you don't sabotage it while you are thinking about it. Your ultimatum: I said "Fine. When is she coming? Give me a date." is not going to help you here, but hurt you instead. If he had given you ultimatums (maybe he did, but you don't mention it) how would you have responded?
To me relationships are all about timing, and when the timing is off, someone has to do the hard things to get the timing right again. You and your H were off time, you went to OM, the H apparently did not do the right thing to help you out of the situation, and now that you are getting ready to perhaps work on your M, your husband is now possibly pursuing another relationship. Like I said, someone has to do some heavy lifting here to get it started, and as much as you hate to hear it, it sounds like you will be the one to do it now.
"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtilty of the very wise, flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar, and the fortitude of the certain". -Leo Buscaglia
