YES I knew this day might come. And actually I already knew a bit of what it feels like to have the shoe on the other foot, because he did the cyber-cheating thing way before my A. However, this is the only time a little "relationship" has ever formed... it is painful, but actually not as much as one might imagine, because we have been separated a year now.
This turn of events does not change the fact that I am going to finish wrapping up with OM. I feel I need to do that for ME, not just my M.
Then, I can focus on my M, and this new turn of events with H and potential-OW. Do I want H and my M? I have been ambivalent about that all year. And I still am! I can encourage myself to see my H and my M more positively, and to reaize that ambivalence is natural in this situation, and I will do that, but I cannot FORCE my feelings to come back. I hope I will be less ambivalent as I heal from OM, and begin to re-connect with H if I can.
"DB my ASS OFF?" Don't know that I can muster THAT much enthusism, S. I have barely begun grieveing the loss of another relationship, and H is starting one up, apparently. The presence of potetial-OW makes me less inclined to DB, not more. Here's why...
The facts: H KNEW I was fading from OM, and KNEW about the real steps I was taking to cut it off (such as no visits or phone calls with OM in almost 4 months, and recently verbalizing to H and OM my intention to end it, after I said my piece to OM). My H also knows I have been on this DB site. I also engaged in many productive talks with him about how we might improve our M and I suggested a trip with him and expressed genuine enthusiasm about healing our marriage, as a team.
Yes, I had an open A, I realize that!... but H has clearly sabotaged this reconciliation at the 11th hour... most men on this forum with straying wives would KILL to be in his shoes, with finally a real chance to reconcile with their "selfish" W's after a year of zero progress, and what does my H do as soon as I start talking and acting seriously about coming back? He starts up a cyber affair...
I'm not saying I don't "deserve" it or that it isn't his "right"... sure... fine... I deserve it!!! And it's his right!!! ZERO argument from me there, S...
I'm just saying that it's reconciliation-sabotage, and I'm not sure how I feel about DB-ing under those circumstances. Maybe thisis just our marriage coming to some kind of "natural close" now that the kids have left the nest. I need to talk with H some more about our options, after I end with OM, and I'll then decide...
If DB is going to be a team effort, I'm in!!! If he's not fully "in," though, I am uncertain what my decision will be. I may just cut losses in that case. I'm not much of a crusader at heart... I'm into MUTUALITY... I'm TIRED of crusading with OM, but at least, for whatever reason, I was highly motivated to do that in this one exceptional case in my life. I am not highly motivated to single-handedly DB (crusade) with H. He "deserves" it no doubt...but I am exhausted, stressed, and terribly ambivalent about my M, and not even sure solo-DB (crusading) is an effective strategy. Actually, I think MOVING ON might bring someone back from an OP (or cure ambivalence on both sides) just as quick or even quicker, for all I know. I think it's a risk either way.
