I think you misunderstand my point about my H's behavior being more than honorable but less than motivating to me. But I have belabored this point so much I can't keep trying to explain it to you all who don't get it. Rest assured, my point is not in any way indicative of me avoiding responsibility or self change. One can be highly self-directed and also evaluate their own environment for motivational factors, which is healthy and helps people overcome those factors when lacking.
"Your H isn't posting here - you are. We can't help your H to DB you back."
I know! It would be nice if you could!
"You said you were going to give OM a year to come around. Please tell me that this year you are giving OM is not the same year you are "giving" your marriage. You can't work on a marriage with a third person involved."
Of course not! If you have read my posts, that should be very clear that I understand that!!!!!!! I have made that very same point to other posters in my situation!
"Honestly, I am not sure you want to work on your marriage. It seems as if you are struggling with a decision to D or not."
Yeah. I thought that was pretty clear. Struggling with that decision is my right. Divorce is still legal, last time I checked. I have no chldren at home, and H and I are STRONGLY leaning toward reconciliation, but divorce is not something we have ruled out. That is OUR option, and OUR decision, and we do not believe divorce is "wrong" or necessarily bad. D always takes adjustment, but it is not always "devastating" and we don't fear that option, if we are unable to reconcile.
"You seem really ambivalent about being married to your H."
YES, after 13 years of "relative certainty, I am currently ambivalent. Marital ambivalence is common, and usually not permanent.
"What do you need from us as posters?"
Just exactly what I have been getting from most... support, new thoughts, things to consider, challenging questions to help me examine my self, advice, etc.
"Are you being an advocate for misunderstood people involved in infidelity?"
Maybe sort of. Only because I am in the minority here. Very few "strayers" come to sites like this, because they do not WANT to consider their thoughts and actions in light of their marriage. They are not as into self insight as I am, more into denial. I am here because I am conflicted, and still care about my M. But it is not the ONLY thing I care about, in my situation.
"Do you want help in making your decision about your M?"
That would be okay, but a M is so complex that I don't really think I could share enough of it online, or enough about myself, for anyone to really help with that task in a meaningful way. My sisters are helpful with that, because they know what makes me tick, and they are on intimate terms with my M problems.
"Do you have anything about yourself that you feel you could or would want to change?"
YES! I do see MY problems in this M, and have been working on them. I am over-sensitive, and not tolerant enough, and insist on my way too often, for example.
"You seem at peace with your decision to continue to pursue OM, with the only regret being that he doesn't feel the same way about you."
At peace? You must be kidding. You have not read my posts. I am hardly at peace... but nor do I believe in TOO much public complaining about my pain and misery...doing that too much just validates those feelings. I would rather put that energy into reflecting on my situation and deciding what to do about it. I do wallow in my pain sometimes, but I try not to! It's no good.
"I prefer that my husband be monogamous because it hurts so deeply when he hasn't been. I truly believe that if my H was in love with someone else, I would file so fast it would be crazy."
Almost half of all married people "fall in love" with someone else at some point. It's human nature.
NOT ALL, but MOST women and MANY men who have affairs report afterward(when surveyed anonymously) that their WAS an emotional component to their affair, often described as "love." Of course, they DENY this to their spouses for same reasons they lied about the affair... to avoid hurting the spouse, to avoid the WORK of sharing difficult, authentic feelings, to avoid the work of filling the gaps in their marriage, and to avoid spouse's anger and judgement.
"Your H is choosing to deal with it. Does it hurt him? I don't know."
YES. He is a psychotherapist, so he has told me it hurts a little less because he TOTALLY understands the human dynamics of it, but it hurts.
"It isn't fair to use him as a "safety net" in case things with OM don't work out."
I agree. That's not what I'm doing. This is a 13 year marriage that I have been faithfully devoted to up till last May. We were looking forward to grandchildren together. I have every right to "selfishly" hang onto him and this M until we get through this crisis one way or the other, and I intend to.
"You seem to desire a passionate connection with someone who wants you back just as badly. It seems like neither your H or OM is giving that to you. So maybe neither one of them is the one for you?"
Very insightful. One of my sisters happens to agree with you. This is something I am considering. But, H and I are also considering that this connection may be able to be improved in our M, too. We have a great "foundation" and a decent connection/rapport... I just crave more, and if we start working on that , I might get it. But we are both exhausted from a long, wonderful, but contentious marriage, and having trouble getting motivated to pres on, and sometimes think we should just quit. We will work it out. Not every problem is meant to be solved lickety split.
"You have a lot of really hard questions to answer, and some painful feelings to face no matter what decision you face. I wish you luck in that."
Very true and thank you!!!
"I thank you for posting some thoughts that really challenged me to think about things in a different way."
VERY COOL. That is my bag... I want to be a psychology teacher, and am working on that degree.
"I hope nothing in this post offended you, and you take it as it was intended, as yet another opinion and perspective in a sea of very human people, all trying to do the best they can."
