I have to say I am not surprised, and I would bet that you aren't really either. You had to know that sooner or later this could happen. Now you are getting to feel what it is like to have the shoe on the other foot.
To me you have two choices, let him go (which you would have done if the OM would've ever committed to you), or get off the can and start doing something about your M.
Not to be too hard on you here A, but you have been taking your own sweet time about deciding what to do with your M (it's all about YOU remember?) and now nature has taken it's course with your H. Is it still all about you?
If you decide you are going to be married, then commit to it. You have to start DBing your A_ _ off and make some changes in yourself. I know you have stated before you need your H to change, but first change yourself and then maybe you will see some of the changes you want in your H. He has no reason to change now, as he has nothing to lose with you, you already love someone else. He probably feels as if he has little to gain either, because you keep going back to someone who doesn't want you over him.
A - your husband has now met someone who he thinks makes him feel good about himself. When is the last time you made him feel good about himself? You have the advantage as you are with him and she isn't, so take advantage of that.
Your husband has shown EXTREME patience up to this point, so now it is your turn. No demands, just decide if you want him or not. If you do then no demands, and be the woman you want to be and your H wants you to be.
You are a very smart person, and seem to know how people interact and what they need. Put that to work for you.
