About Love and OM's and OW's

[Lyrael]

You guys can't have it both ways, sorry. You can't say "Oh, look, DB methods can sway your spouse! Try it!" And then turn around and say "Shame on you Annalise for even suggesting that your spouse could or should do anything to sway you." JEEZE... talk about an INCONSISTENCY! Either Infidelity is SWAYABLE or not. Make up you minds before you all drive me batty.

Okay, I was reading through your thread and had to comment on this. You are here on this board. This board is about DBing. DBing is about changing YOURSELF, not expecting your spouse to change. Expecting your spouse to "sway" you from infidelity, is avoiding taking responsibility for your behavior.

For example, I have a serious problem with anger. And my husband has cheated on me. I suppose if he hadn't cheated or lied, or had become this wonderful upstanding man before I realized my anger was a problem, it might have changed my behavior. But because I can't change or control anyone or anything but myself, I chose to work on my issue first. Dynamics can only change when one person changes.

Your H isn't posting here - you are. We can't help your H to DB you back. You said you were going to give OM a year to come around. Please tell me that this year you are giving OM is not the same year you are "giving" your marriage. You can't work on a marriage with a third person involved.

Honestly, I am not sure you want to work on your marriage. It seems as if you are struggling with a decision to D or not. You seem really ambivalent about being married to your H. What do you need from us as posters? Are you being an advocate for misunderstood people involved in infidelity? Do you want help in making your decision about your M? Do you have anything about yourself that you feel you could or would want to change?

You seem at peace with your decision to continue to pursue OM, with the only regret being that he doesn't feel the same way about you. If you are at peace with your feelings and your decision, you certainly don't have to defend them.

I prefer that my husband be monogamous because it hurts so deeply when he hasn't been. I truly believe that if my H was in love with someone else, I would file so fast it would be crazy. Your H is choosing to deal with it. Does it hurt him? I don't know. But if it does, then it isn't fair to use him as a "safety net" in case things with OM don't work out. I am not saying you are, I am just saying that that would be enormously unfair. You seem to desire a passionate connection with someone who wants you back just as badly. It seems like neither your H or OM is giving that to you. So maybe neither one of them is the one for you?

You have a lot of really hard questions to answer, and some painful feelings to face no matter what decision you face. I wish you luck in that. I thank you for posting some thoughts that really challenged me to think about things in a different way. I will probably pop by sometime to say hi again. I hope nothing in this post offended you, and you take it as it was intended, as yet another opinion and perspective in a sea of very human people, all trying to do the best they can.

Ending with my usual
Hugs to all,
Myrrh