Hi LL. Thanks for checking in on me. "A clearer path toward peace." Sounds wonderful. Well... I am trying.
Lets see... as you know, my decision was to cut things off with OM, and try to reconcile with H... but my "hold up" was that I did not feel quite "ready."
Just a couple days ago, I realized that even though, in my head, I hold out no hope for me and OM getting together, in my heart there was still more hope than I thought.
So I asked myself "What do I need to do to get rid of this hope, so that I can move on with my LIFE?" My answer was, that I needed to say a LOT of things to OM. And that once these things were said, and they still made no difference (as I know they won't!) then I could move on, knowing for SURE that they made no difference. Is that clear without me going into detail? I hope so. Yes, you might call it a combination "last ditch effort"/"closure"...two for the price of one!
This is the second time I have been in love with OM... Once 13 years ago. Some things were left unsaid then, and I guess I want peace of mind this time around.
I wrote to OM telling him I saw the need for us to stop contact, and explaining why. Not that it really needed much of an explanation!... he's knows how twisted up I've been over this. I told him there was a lot I wanted to say to him and couldn't do it all at once. That I would write some of it, and maybe the rest on the phone. I said I knew it would not make a difference but I had know for sure, and that I wanted him to know these things anyway.
I would VERY much like to tell him some of what I need to say in person... I want so much to be strong enough to do that, but I'm not, I would completely FALL APART.
So I began this "process" of wrapping up with OM. By the way, I have tried to do this twice before, and failed... after 1-2 weeks of staying away, I would start writing again, and then of course that led to a phone call, then to a meeting. However, those times, I never really said my piece first, I never felt "done," there was no closure and maybe that's partly why I went back.
I have written him a couple e-mails so far, and MOST of what I need to say is said now... there really wasn't quite as much as I thought I needed to say... but the hardest stuff remains.
Not to sound like a drama queen... but truly, this has been the hardest and most painful experience of my life, so far. Maybe I've led a sheltered life. It's more gut wrenching than my first divorce and my failed in-vitro attempt put together, and (God forgive me) it's somehow even more difficult than my mother's death.
I have been not sleeping, barely eating, crying hard multiple times a day, anxiety, the works. H knows exactly what is going on and has been supportive. He said he is glad I am cutting off with OM, but also has some doubts as to whether it will "stick" or not, since twice before I failed. Can't blame him. I have some doubts too but am trying not to even let them enter my mind. If I am tempted to go back to OM, my plan is to remind myself how painful this is and how I do not want to have to go through it again!
I am currently between jobs and just taking an online class, so there is almost zero stress in my life right now except for THIS. In a way, that is GOOD!... but in a way, not, because with all my time "my own," I am wallowing in this pain, whereas with a job I would have to pull together. I am not even returning family member's phone calls, because it's hard to focus on making conversation, and I'm afraid I'll break down in tears on the phone.
I am hoping this is sorta the worst it gets... if not, I guess I will have to go to the doc for a litle sedative or something? I have never had to take any medication for stress or emotional upset, so I really don't want to, if I can manage. I have been trying to use some "rational emotive" self-talk, and it does help some. I know, I am sure you guys are thinking "what a big baby, she needs to get a life." Well, I'm trying to get back the one I had!
OM's response so far? I dunno, you guys figure it out... In one of my e-mails I expressed hope for my marriage getting back together, and we wound up having an exchange about a marital problem of mine.
OM's PATTERN with his stance and opinion on my M is that he is always "pro" me getting back with H when I am pursuing HIM (OM) and "con" me getting back with H when I am trying to break up with him (OM)! I do not think this is something OM does on purpose, I think it's unconscious.
When things start getting too "real" between us, he tries to push me back to H, but when I start to GO back, he starts disparaging my H and M and suggesting that "I will never really be happy with H" and things like that. It's like, OM would like to keep me right HERE in limbo, which makes sense from his perspective, I get that. But whats kind of odd is that OM has written me back two longish mails, that JUST focus on sharing his opinion that a life with my H is "not what will make me truly happy." OM has said NOTHING about me wanting to cut off with him, or anything else, just about my M. Maybe he knows he (OM) has nothing to "offer" me, so to get me to hang around, his only tool is to disparage my M? He always politely ends with "I really do hope your M works out for you if this is what you truly want" but only after telling me how unfufilled my "soul" will be with H, etc.
I don't know why OM is even BOTHERING to try to to keep me in limbo, because I have not even seen or spoken to him in 3 months, just 3x weekly e-mails. Maybe he's not trying to keep me in limbo, maybe it's just a guy/ego thing to shoot down my H now that I am going back.
Don't worry... his commentary about my M does not affect me... I know his pattern, and so I take it with a grain of salt. I have painted an unflattering picture of OM in this post, by giving just this limited bit about his pattern of opinions regarding my M. But OM is a good man, just caught up in a bad situation and trying to do his best, like me , like H.
So that's where I am at...I feel like I need a few days breather, then my plan is to say the last of what I need to say to OM. So that the man who feels like the love of my life doesn't ruin my life or get in the way of my marriage anymore. "There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me" as Bruce Springstein sings.
