That's a very intelligent question, "Which way would you have us sway you." I definitely would not want anyone pushing me towards D, or I would not have come to a DB website! I would not want anyone swaying me towards OM, since he is not a viable option. I guess I want to be swayed towards trying again with my M (which you all have done!) but while also being supported in the place I am in right this minute, which is still limbo. I know that's a fine line to walk, and you guys have done a really good job of trying!
By the way... a CONCERN... I inadvertently signed off with my REAL name in some prior posts... is there any way I can delete those posts from the forum? How long are archived posts kept public?
you may notice your subject line has changed. That is me calling out to the forums moderater who has the ability to take care of the issue you mentioned in the previous post without deleting them completely.
it may also draw others in (wich as you know can be both good and bad 'round here )
so then how goes it? seems you have been around a bit lately but not saying much on your own thread (I know how that can be I do it myself, I wont lead you to my thread cause it will likely taint the image you've created of me)
Hope you are doing well and finding a clearer path toward peace in your life.
Hi LL. Thanks for checking in on me. "A clearer path toward peace." Sounds wonderful. Well... I am trying.
Lets see... as you know, my decision was to cut things off with OM, and try to reconcile with H... but my "hold up" was that I did not feel quite "ready."
Just a couple days ago, I realized that even though, in my head, I hold out no hope for me and OM getting together, in my heart there was still more hope than I thought.
So I asked myself "What do I need to do to get rid of this hope, so that I can move on with my LIFE?" My answer was, that I needed to say a LOT of things to OM. And that once these things were said, and they still made no difference (as I know they won't!) then I could move on, knowing for SURE that they made no difference. Is that clear without me going into detail? I hope so. Yes, you might call it a combination "last ditch effort"/"closure"...two for the price of one!
This is the second time I have been in love with OM... Once 13 years ago. Some things were left unsaid then, and I guess I want peace of mind this time around.
I wrote to OM telling him I saw the need for us to stop contact, and explaining why. Not that it really needed much of an explanation!... he's knows how twisted up I've been over this. I told him there was a lot I wanted to say to him and couldn't do it all at once. That I would write some of it, and maybe the rest on the phone. I said I knew it would not make a difference but I had know for sure, and that I wanted him to know these things anyway.
I would VERY much like to tell him some of what I need to say in person... I want so much to be strong enough to do that, but I'm not, I would completely FALL APART.
So I began this "process" of wrapping up with OM. By the way, I have tried to do this twice before, and failed... after 1-2 weeks of staying away, I would start writing again, and then of course that led to a phone call, then to a meeting. However, those times, I never really said my piece first, I never felt "done," there was no closure and maybe that's partly why I went back.
I have written him a couple e-mails so far, and MOST of what I need to say is said now... there really wasn't quite as much as I thought I needed to say... but the hardest stuff remains.
Not to sound like a drama queen... but truly, this has been the hardest and most painful experience of my life, so far. Maybe I've led a sheltered life. It's more gut wrenching than my first divorce and my failed in-vitro attempt put together, and (God forgive me) it's somehow even more difficult than my mother's death.
I have been not sleeping, barely eating, crying hard multiple times a day, anxiety, the works. H knows exactly what is going on and has been supportive. He said he is glad I am cutting off with OM, but also has some doubts as to whether it will "stick" or not, since twice before I failed. Can't blame him. I have some doubts too but am trying not to even let them enter my mind. If I am tempted to go back to OM, my plan is to remind myself how painful this is and how I do not want to have to go through it again!
I am currently between jobs and just taking an online class, so there is almost zero stress in my life right now except for THIS. In a way, that is GOOD!... but in a way, not, because with all my time "my own," I am wallowing in this pain, whereas with a job I would have to pull together. I am not even returning family member's phone calls, because it's hard to focus on making conversation, and I'm afraid I'll break down in tears on the phone.
I am hoping this is sorta the worst it gets... if not, I guess I will have to go to the doc for a litle sedative or something? I have never had to take any medication for stress or emotional upset, so I really don't want to, if I can manage. I have been trying to use some "rational emotive" self-talk, and it does help some. I know, I am sure you guys are thinking "what a big baby, she needs to get a life." Well, I'm trying to get back the one I had!
OM's response so far? I dunno, you guys figure it out... In one of my e-mails I expressed hope for my marriage getting back together, and we wound up having an exchange about a marital problem of mine.
OM's PATTERN with his stance and opinion on my M is that he is always "pro" me getting back with H when I am pursuing HIM (OM) and "con" me getting back with H when I am trying to break up with him (OM)! I do not think this is something OM does on purpose, I think it's unconscious.
When things start getting too "real" between us, he tries to push me back to H, but when I start to GO back, he starts disparaging my H and M and suggesting that "I will never really be happy with H" and things like that. It's like, OM would like to keep me right HERE in limbo, which makes sense from his perspective, I get that. But whats kind of odd is that OM has written me back two longish mails, that JUST focus on sharing his opinion that a life with my H is "not what will make me truly happy." OM has said NOTHING about me wanting to cut off with him, or anything else, just about my M. Maybe he knows he (OM) has nothing to "offer" me, so to get me to hang around, his only tool is to disparage my M? He always politely ends with "I really do hope your M works out for you if this is what you truly want" but only after telling me how unfufilled my "soul" will be with H, etc.
I don't know why OM is even BOTHERING to try to to keep me in limbo, because I have not even seen or spoken to him in 3 months, just 3x weekly e-mails. Maybe he's not trying to keep me in limbo, maybe it's just a guy/ego thing to shoot down my H now that I am going back.
Don't worry... his commentary about my M does not affect me... I know his pattern, and so I take it with a grain of salt. I have painted an unflattering picture of OM in this post, by giving just this limited bit about his pattern of opinions regarding my M. But OM is a good man, just caught up in a bad situation and trying to do his best, like me , like H.
So that's where I am at...I feel like I need a few days breather, then my plan is to say the last of what I need to say to OM. So that the man who feels like the love of my life doesn't ruin my life or get in the way of my marriage anymore. "There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me" as Bruce Springstein sings.
Glad to hear you are doing something to move yourself out of limbo one way or the other. You are handling it they way you think you need to, and hopefully that works for you. Unless your OM says (and does) "I am leaving my W for you" then nothing should sway you from your course of action. I say that because I think I see a bit of doubt there, although you know in your head that he is following an established pattern.
You mention that you have alot of time to "wallow" in this....is this time you could use to do something (hobbywise) that you've always wanted to do? Just thinking that if you take up your time being busy, it might help you over the "hump"....
I wouldn't worry too much about what your H says at this time, as if you stick to it and really manage to "break the spell" he will notice then.
So what will be your next step after you get everything "off your chest" and deal with the OM trying to get you back and you getting closure on that by saying no and sticking with it? Just trying to give you something to think about for your M plan. Do you have any attainable goals that you are thinking about, once your are done with your OM?
Keep at it A.....A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
My sister called today, we talked for a long while about things, and I am feeling a little better.
Thanks for reminding me that OM's apparant jealousy about me planning to go back to my M means nothing without action.
Time to wallow... Yes, I feel like I need to get MOVING, physically, and all my hobbies (like reading) are sedentary, so I am going to get back to walking and yoga and dance, hopefully that will help me over these awful blues.
"So what will be your next step after you get everything "off your chest" and deal with the OM trying to get you back and you getting closure on that by saying no and sticking with it?"
I like your optimism! It's weird... sometimes I feel SO SURE I will stick with it, no problem, and then doubt comes in. I made a list of everything I did not like about being involved with OM (a long list!) and plan to refer to it if I feel weak.
"... something to think about for your M plan. Do you have any attainable goals that you are thinking about, once your are done with your OM?"
One problem my H and I have is that we have very different ideas of how to solve M problems. And last week we actually came to a mutual understanding about how to fix that... for the first time in 13 years! So, I guess one goal is putting that into practice and seeing how it works out.
Since I don't start my new job till August, and school lsts only 2 more weeks, and my H has lots of vacation time, I am thinking a road trip might be fun, and might keep my mind off OM a little more than if I were at home, with my laptop staring at me.
Assuming I can pull off this wrap-up with OM, my main M worry is my feelings for H coming back. When I tried to wrap up with OM before, the first week of no contact, and trying to relate to H, was so hard. I do love my H, but I felt like I had been kidnapped by him and waiting for OM to show up with the ransom. Guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time and try to remain optimistic.
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