You guys are very insightful! I HAVE wondered if I am trying to "recreate" the same scene as when we first met. Jeeze... you guys have really followed my long and boring story well...thank you. That would be SAD, if I am trying to recreate that scene, because that means I felt I needed to do this A to make H return to his prior level of gusto/ involvement in the R. That could be partly true!
"Are you hoping that this type of effort from H will inspire you to fall in love with him again, as it did when you first met?"
Maybe... it would make reconciliation easier.
"Lack of passion between two people is no small thing so I am NOT making light of this at all or in any way putting you down."
Thank you... it's not that H and totally "lack" passion, I wish it were that simple, I'd probaly just leave! We had passion.. we had hot ML over the years... sometimes, incredibly hot ML...I always thought our sex life and emotional connection was one of our best things... and it's not that it "fizzled" ... it didn't much!... it's more like it was just always kind of lacking in just a couple ways that are quite important. And now, suddenly more important, since I have experienced with OM what those areas are like when they are not lacking. Don't mean to be vague, but this is a really personal topic, so that will have to do.
"My H and I have similar sexual dynamics as you do..both of us like to be pursued which leads to lots of stalemates."
Absolutely!
"With lots of work, we are starting to make some real headway although there are more stops and starts than I could count."
It is exhausting, and when I separated (informally) last year (and started what turned into an A) I was exhausted. I REALLY AND TRULY just wanted a frigging BREAK, not an "A."
"One other question for you: What is it that you get from the relationship with OM? From where we are all sitting, it doesn't look like much. Here is a man who gets to fire off a couple of steamy emails a day to you which keep you hanging on and "worshipping" him and then he gets to go home to his life with his wife, where the REAL living starts!"
This is a pretty accurate portrait of how things are NOW, true... because I recently (few months ago) decided not to meet or phone with him anymore, for reasons I've gone into in other posts. But, they are not just "steamy" e-mails. We talk about many things. You're right, I am not getting much from it, compared to a "real" relationship, but that does not make it easier to say goodbye to him forever...look at it this way... isn't there anyone in your life important to you who you don't keep in very good touch with? ... a relative or a friend, maybe? The fact that you do not have "much" with them in terms of daily living does not mean that they are not important to you, right? Well, suppose for some reason you could no longer see or talk to or contact that person in any way, from now on. You would probably feel a sense of LOSS, even despite that they were not "really" part of your life.
If I could keep OM as a friend, I would not be so twisted up about cutting things off!! I would be pretty OKAY with it, at this point! But unfortunately I cannot "handle" a plantonic friendship with him, we've already tried that. I always push it into "something more" and he cannot resist that.
So, when I cut off, it means I will probably never see or talk to him again, ever. Ever in my life!... And I am IN LOVE with this man, twice in my life now, and so that is a very hard break to make.
"What do you get out of it?"
Too much to go into! But not enough, of course! And certainly not enough to justify the sacrifice of this continuing, you're right.
"I suppose I see this situation as one where you will not inspire the kind of passion that you want from your H (because you are not emotionally invested in the R and passion usually stems from some kind of emotional response) and so you will lose H."
Well, H was lazy and oppositional to some of my needs even when I WAS devoted and 100% faithful and emotionally invested for 13 years. So it's not really true to say that my current state of heart is responsible for that problem. And remember, H had the most romance and conviction when I was in love with someone else thirteen years ago, so I really doubt that my "lack of response" would hold him back now, if he really wanted to save us. He's ambivalent, like me. We are leaning toward reconciling, but not there yet.
Yeah, I may loose him, you're right. My attitude may cause that. And his attitude may make him loose ME. But those possibilities do not seem critical right at the moment...we are still living together and comunicating well, and spending time together.
"Then you will wake up one day and realize that you never really "had" OM and will give up on him finally."
Oh, I know I never really had OM! I am already wide awake about that. If I am brutally honest with myself, I do admit that I am clinging to some hope, but it is not "rational" hope... I know we are a lost cause! The only hope I feel is more just a stubborn trace of hope left in my heart, NOT in my head.
"Then you will be alone!"
I do not want that. I love both men and so it is stupid not to "try" with the one of them that it is POSSIBLE to try with, my H. I know that. But, I am not panicked at the thought of being alone, if I/we blow it. It might be the best thing that ever happened to me. Being alone is not a permanent condition. Maybe eventually I would find some man who is H and OM all wrapped in one. It could happen!
"I don't see what you have to gain in this situation and why it is worth it to you to risk it...?"
That is EXACTLY what my OM has said to me several times! I mean, those EXACT words. I know. You are both right... it's no longer worth the risk... it WAS at one time, when I really thought OM might leave W. But now the risk is dumb, and that is why I have finally admitted it must stop. That is progress... all year long I would not admit that. So now, it is just a matter of saying the things I have left to say to him, and getting up the courage and strength to cut it off. I feel like I am moving in that direction, but if I rush it, like I tried to TWICE before, I will just end up re-contacting him, and I don't want that to happen a third time. Because, when you keep failing at something, failing at it becomes a habit.
I am not saying I want to wait until the break feels "easy" for me... that day will never come. But, it needs to feel a little more natural than it does now, otherwise I will just be setting myself up for failure.
Things need to run their course. I know that feelings can be somewhat "adjusted" by how I choose to THINK about this, and I am working on that, so that I can bring my feelings and behavior in alignment with my common sense. But by and large, I believe you can't rush your heart into a break-up any more than you can rush it into anything else. If you guys disagree with me on that, speak up! I would like to hear some other viewpoints on that, I am very open to the possibility that I may be wrong about that.
"You are not satisfied with the passion in your marriage, I understand that (btdt, in fact) but I can't see why you would stay in this situation where you are not really GETTING any passion, just a weak substitute."
Very good point! Is it sick to say that even this "weak substitute" from OM is more amazing than anything I ever experienced in a "real" relationship? It's true! But what you imply is correct... there's no sane way to keep that passion in my life, not with him...
Oh, he would let me be his life-long mistress if I wanted to, I am 99% sure of that, and I considered that... like Katherine Hepburn was Spencer Tracy's mistress for 25 years. Yes, I love this OM so much, I seriously considered that lifestyle! But I do not want that. It's not "me."
I think you guys may be a little under the impression that "passion" is my only M concern. Noooooo, there are others. And likewise, this involvement with OM is not just all about "passion."
"Leaving aside what your H and OM's wife deserves, don't you think that YOU deserve better?"
YES. Me and everyone on this forum deserves better than what we are getting from our current M or R's and I guess we are all working on that.
